Sassy

I was in the mood for something new, so I asked my favorite hair-stylist to cut me short with something fun. I can say that I absolutely LOVE this hair cut. I haven't had something this fun in YEARS!! (And the best part was getting all of the compliments at church yesterday....can we say "ego boost?!")

Forgiveness is Liberating

For a while now, I've been struggling with my bitter feelings for another. I had thought that I had already forgiven them and moved on, but when I saw this person I was suddenly overcome with feelings of anger and bitterness. I was NOT pleasant to be around. I thought bad thoughts about the other person, and I KNEW that I needed to truly forgive and move on.

I mentioned Time Out for Women and Sister Pierce's talk. I was already working on these feelings. The bitterness was more in my heart than in my head. I already KNEW what I needed, but I needed my heart to agree.

Then came General Conference. It was marvelous. There were SO many talks that spoke to this exact subject. Forgiveness. It was something that I must have needed to hear.

On Sunday morning one talk hit me particularly hard. It was from President Uchtdorf. I must admit, I have a bit of a crush on him, and I love to hear his talks. He always makes me feel happier and more uplifted after his sermons.

Anyway, part way through he spoke about harboring bad feelings for others. Judging others and having unChristlike feelings. Then he spoke his magical sermon:

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

"Stop it!

"It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children."

That was all it took for me. I thought about how silly I'd been, harboring these rotten feelings and feeding them over and over....stop it. I thought about how I'd perceived the actions of this other and realized that it was most likely my bitter attitude that made her seem so angry. I'd decided that I had better give her the benefit of the doubt and move on.

And that was the main key: I CAN MOVE ON! I don't have to worry about her life. I don't have to feel angry that she's having happy things happen to her. I can simply live my life, wish her well, and move on.

I feel like a 2-ton weight has been lifted. It's SO wonderful.

Since I'm not crafty, I tend to "borrow" from others. On this blog, there are many of the top quotes from Conference. I'm definetly sharing my new one:

We Got the House!!!!

I'm SO beyond thrilled. Honestly, right now I've got perma-grin.

Steve called me with the news, and I asked if they'd counter-offered....they DIDN'T!!

OH MY GOSH!!! I've got a house, and at a SCREAMING deal too!!!

I am just overwhelmed with happiness right now, you have no idea!!

Monster Children See Monster Trucks

A few weeks ago Steve took our boys to a Monster Truck rally. The boys were VERY excited. Anytime they saw a commercial for the rally they'd dance around clapping their hands, "WE GET TO GO SEE THAT!!"

Thankfully, since my hubby is a SAINT, I was able to stay home and did NOT have to participate. (He gets me, he really does...)

The boys had a BLAST! Although, I heard that Jake wanted mom after the first few minutes. Eventually, he got into the mood and was yelling and having fun with everyone else.

It ended up going pretty late, and the boys were SO tired when they got home at one in the morning, but they're already begging to go again next year.

Cameron, my sweet boy, keeps saying, "Mom, I close my eyes, and all I see are monster trucks!"

We know what will make the boys' year next time around....

The BESTEST Birthday Present Ever....

My bed is all done....all prettified and MINE! I'm SO in love with it. Thanks to my brothers (who are SUPER talented in the woodworking department) and my dad for providing the lumber, and to my hubby, for the bestest ruined surprise I could ever hope for!

Final Lumpy Update: All is Well

Yes, I'm completely FINE!!

I went in for the ultrasound this morning, and almost had to have a mammogram, but since you can SEE the lump on the skin, they opted to wait until after the ultrasound if it was necessary.

They checked it, then went to consult with the doctor. I laid on the bed all by myself for 10 minutes. My mind kept thinking, "Maybe they've FOUND something. Maybe I was a little too confident in my in-grown hair scar theory.....I'm totally gonna lose my boob!"

Thankfully, the doctor came in, checked for himself, and decided that it's probably a lymph node. It's about an inch deep and comma shaped. If it gets any bigger or causes pain, I'm to go in, but for now: CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH!

Breathing never felt SO good!

Do You Feel It?

This time of year, things get a little crazy at my house. My boys are on hyper-overdrive because they know Christmas is coming and they begin begging for all those toys they see in commercials. ("Mama!! I want THAT!" "I'm gonna ask Santa for that for Christmas!" "When can we write our letter to Santa?" "I'm so excited, guess why. 'Cause Christmas is coming!!")

We visit family and friends, trying to squeeze in quality time with those we love and care about. And then we eat....oh, how we LOVE to eat. The food tastes so fantastic we find ourselves stuffed to the gills and wanting MORE.

Thanksgiving for us was wonderful. We had a lot of people come from far away to visit, and we enjoyed our chats and got many laughs. I wish we could see everyone anytime we wanted to...it's THAT fun.

I love the change in the air. The cool nights of fall change to the freezing snows of winter, and the sky takes on a different color. The people seem happier and there's love to be found almost everywhere. What a great time of year!

Oh, and it's official, I can now *legally* listen to my Christmas music. (I've been listening for months, but now it's okay...I won't be shot by the Christmas police!)

Happy Things

I finally watched that show that I mentioned about NF and I couldn't help but feel SO blessed. Those kids have the disease pretty severely, and Cameron, when compared to them, is SO mild. He does have visible cafe au lait spots and a FEW (literally 4 or 5) neurofibromas that you can see from the outside. Our only concern with him is the 3 plexiform neurofibromas (multiple neurofibromas that grow in a cluster) that are on his spine. But in all honesty, he is doing FABULOUS! We only have to see the specialized doctors once a year and his tumors are NOT growing. I felt like I could be glimpsing something that *could* happen to us, but I felt SO blessed to know that we haven't had to take it that far.

I've had several happy things happen in my life lately, I think it's time for a gratitude post...I need the reminder.

Jake is talking more and more and can even say his name correctly now. He's been trying to say it for a few weeks, starting out as "Day-dub," then "Ja-dub," and now it's "Jacob."

He's also super cute and sweet. He's just learned to make obnoxious noises when he kisses, and thinks it's great fun to make those same noises when he blows kisses. The other night he was blowing kisses while we were eating dinner. He was laughing so hard that he could barely breathe.

The warm weather has been so wonderful. I let the boys play outside yesterday for the first time in I don't KNOW how long without their jackets or coats. It felt so freeing.

I got to have a very fun GNO (Girls' Night Out) last week with my computer and real life friends. I love it when I can just get together with a bunch of ladies, who I know and love, and just giggle until my face hurts.

We had our annual IEP meeting for Cameron this week. Normally I go to the meeting and end up bawling when they talk about Cameron. This week, NOTHING! I was able to stay calm and make my needs known, but I think the thing that made me SO happy was the fact that they were all willing to add the ONE goal I've been advocating for him for YEARS! He now has the goal to read a small book written INTO his plan! On top of that happy news, the district occupational therapist said that Cameron is about ready to graduate from occupational therapy. This kind of threw me for a loop, I was NOT expecting this. His handwriting is getting SO much better, and they're finding it hard to make more age-appropriate goals for the boy. She mentioned a new therapy using a metronome that should help his fine-motor skills, and I am VERY excited.

Life truly is great and I don't have much to complain about! What have you been blessed with lately?

I'm a Porcupine, You're a Porcupine....

This last weekend I bought a book that I have to admit is probably one of my MOST favorite books EVER!! I find myself underlining favorite or appropriate things and making notes in the margins. I LOVE this book.

"How to Hug a Porcupine" by Dr. John L. Lund is my NEW love.

I have to admit, I bought this book HOPING to fix those Porcupines in my life. I have several people in my life that I feel are toxic or behave in toxic ways. (A porcupine is anyone who has toxic personality traits.) Instead of ONLY finding them in these pages, I'm finding my OWN toxic traits...and it's scary! I don't want to be a porcupine! I want to be a fluffy muskrat.

The number one thing that I've learned from reading this book is: "The ONLY person I can change is me. I cannot change ANY toxic person, I may persuade or love them, but I cannot make them change."

It's SO fascinating. I've had my eyes opened and I am LOVING it.

For example, did you know toxic people cannot or will not give you the validation that you want? They'll also with hold love to assert their power over any given situation. They will chose a "favored one," so that the rest of the people that they deal with have hope to one day BE that favored one. And something I've always said, "You do it because I said so," is a forerunner to rebellion.

I'm learning that I really DO have a good relationship with my husband (despite what other people think) and that the way I've BEEN treating the porcupines in my life has been appropriate.

There are things that I've learned that I'm SURE will take time to sink in and for me to understand. Some of those are that love and trust are NOT the same thing. That the "art of parenting is not the art of hanging on, but the art of letting go."And that I really need to transfer responsibility to my children for their own behaviors and emotions.

Now, mind you, I'm only half-way through this book. I've read chapters about how to identify emotional porcupines and what some other people have done to deal with these emotional porcupines. NOW I'm at the point where he's giving me the "armor" I need to protect myself from these emotional porcupines.

It's SO fascinating, and SO helpful! I'm SO glad that this book was recommended to me (by several sources) and that I listened to them.

A Few of My New Favorite Quotes

I've been collecting quotes lately. Here are a few that make me happy and remind me to be a better me.

"Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them, all of it has always been the big stuff."

~Catherine M. Wallace

"That which we persist in doing becomes easy to do; not that the nature of the thing has changed, but the power to do has increased."
~Heber J. Grant

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."

~Helen Keller

"Don't' sweat the small stuff, what doesn't matter, doesn't matter."

"Laugh everyday; even if it is at yourself."

"It would be a nice world to live in if everyone made this pledge: 'I resolve to speak ill of no man whatever, not even in a matter of truth; but rather by some means excuse the faults I hear charged upon others, and upon proper occasions speak all the good I know of everybody.'"

~Benjamin Franklin

"Love like there is no tomorrow."

When the Mind Wanders....

....it's just too hard for my body to settle down to sleep. Right now, it's 2:00 in the morning and I just cannot sleep. My mind feels like it's on over-drive and I feel wide awake and not even sleepy, at all.

I've been thinking about how truly grateful I am for my little family. I am so glad that I was blessed to be the mother of these two energetic little boys and that I was given the opportunity to not only teach them, but to learn from them.

With Cameron, I've had to learn patience and accepting things that are hard. For a while now, I've wondered how far Cam will advance in his learning and growth. For many years now he's been stuck around the same mental age. It's very disheartening. Instead of being the typical 9 year old boy, he's on the same level as a 5 year old. It's frustrating to me and I'm sure to him.

I'm frustrated that he still hasn't grasped the concept of reading. This is terribly frustrating because I SO love to read. I read a lot, and I know he and Jake have seen me read for fun. But when I sit down with Cameron to help him sound out words, he just doesn't get it. He can make the sounds that all of the letters make, but he can't figure out how to put them together to form a word.

I've been wondering if my life will be spent trying to take care of Cameron's many needs and that I will forever have a 5 year old in my life. I love him SO much and wish SO badly for him to have an independent life, but right now, I just don't know if that will ever be possible.

With Jacob, I've had to learn to enjoy the small things and to stick to what I say. For the most part, Jake is a VERY happy child. He loves making others laugh, and finds joy in the simplest things. You show that boy a basketball and he is giddy for a WEEK! He thinks making the adults around him laugh is a huge accomplishment. For example, this week, he was eating dinner at the table, it was just him and Steve. Suddenly, Jake farted. He looked up at Steve and said, completely serious, "I fahted!" We've been laughing since.

But that sweet side has a very stubborn side. I've known since before this child was born that he was going to do things HIS way. My NSTs were HUGE pains, mostly because Jake wouldn't cooperate by sitting still and letting the nurses get a good reading. I was in the hospital for HOURS on end just trying to get a decent reading. His stubborn streak is still strong.

His new love is going outside to play in his truck and with his basketball. Since our neighborhood is scary and the fact that we don't really have a yard to play in, we have to play at Grandma's house. I don't mind it too much, and neither does Grandma (in fact, she worries if we DON'T show up!!) When we get to Grandma's house, instead of going inside to say hi and let her know we're there, Jake insists on playing with his truck. I've had to literally drag the kid into the house for a few minutes, just so I can drop off my diaper bag before he can play. Then when it's time to leave, because he loves it so much, he will scream (high-pitched, bloody-murder type scream) and kick and flail until he can scamper away for more play time. He honestly thinks that he's boss and very much in charge.

I've had to take things away from him and force him to do what he's supposed to, and it's NOT been easy. I worry that I'll forever be in a battle of wills with this child.

These little boys are SUCH a blessing to me, and I'm so grateful for them and the lessons they teach me. I only hope that I can be a good mommy to them, and teach them what THEY need to learn.

Daylight Savings Love

Although the time change really throws me and my family off for a while, I truly love daylight savings time. I love how it's brighter outside for longer and that we get to take advantage of it with the time change.

Losing that hour of sleep didn't even bother me THAT much. The thing that bothered me most was that Jake decided to wake up for an hour in the middle of the night. (Something about a nightmare and losing Cameron....I didn't quite catch it, but I understand that he was upset.)

And the fact that it happens on a Sunday helps get us ready for the rest of the week.

I know that this all sounds crazy, but I'm excited for the time change, because it lets me know that winter isn't as endless as it feels and that warmth is on it's way. :)

Bliss

I just asked Jacob to throw away the apple he's been snacking on all morning. (It was brown and gross...) He quickly said, "D'okay!" Ran over to the garbage and threw it away.

Obedience without a fight? Oh, to have the obedience whenever I ask for something to be done.

And just for fun, Jake has been doing this cheesy smile whenever we ask him to "smile." I love it, it totally makes me laugh EVERY single time. (As I was taking the picture he even called out "cheese.....POOP!" *giggle)

Family Home Evening Confessions

For many MANY years our little family has had our Family Home Evening each week with my parents and other extended family members. Our usual lesson has almost always been a story plucked from the pages of the Church magazines, most often from the Ensign. When it was just us, it was fine, but then we started bringing kids into the mix, and the stories, while nice and uplifting, were WAY over our kids' heads. Family Home Evening to them was a night they dreaded. It was a constant FIGHT for us to get them to sit still and listen the the adults babble on about things that they just didn't understand.

A few weeks ago, I decided to change things up. A friend had posted a website that boasted A Year of FHE. I went to the website thinking that it wouldn't hurt to just look for ideas. I fell in love with the lessons. They were right on the kids' levels and a good review for the adults as well. We started with a lesson about showing love through our words. My sweet Cameron, who most of you know has developmental delays, was VERY involved. In fact, he followed along well and answered my questions. It was a HUGE success.

The discussion after the lesson usually drones on and on, but that week it was very good, and it was decided that giving the lesson at the kids' level was what is really needed. Since then, I've been the unofficial designated lesson giver. The lessons have varied, but we've all learned lessons.

The important thing about it all?? My kids are paying attention better (instead of running a marathon around grandma's living room) and they're starting to *get it.*

I'm SO grateful for this website, and I can say that my boys are happy too.

Borrowing Others' Words

After watching this video, I've been thinking about how much I completely AGREE with it. I hope you watch it and enjoy it too.

Positive Thoughts from a Prophet

For anyone feeling overwhelmed or frustrated with life, a few words:

"My dear sisters, do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities, but pray for abilities equal to your tasks. Then the performance of your tasks will not be a miracle, but YOU will be the miracle."

~Thomas S. Monson

BE the miracle!!

I'm NO Maid...

For a VERY long time, I've wanted my house to be cleaner, but I am NOT, in any way, shape or form, a good housekeeper. My house has always been a little dirtier than I would like, and dishes and bathrooms were the BANE of my existence. I had just resigned myself to always having a messy house.

Then I heard about FlyLady, and I decided to give it a go, especially after one of my friends told me that after a week of trying this method she had a BUNCH of kids over to play and wasn't worried about cleaning or how her house looked. I WANTED that. I figured that if it didn't work, then I'd have at least tried.

So I went to the website and signed up. I have been trying this for about a month now, and even though my house isn't EXACTLY how I wanted, it is SO much cleaner than I had ever hoped.

Not only that, but I'm happier. I get up every day and get dressed (to the shoes, or slippers...I guess I'm not QUITE flying yet...) and I'm ready. Who knew that just a few simple things would make me happier.

My sink is shiny (a BIG thing for me) my counters in my kitchen are clutter and even DISH free. It feels GREAT to go in there and make dinner (which I have always dreaded...) or to do dishes. My bed is made and makes my room look WAY cleaner than it really is. I've even felt inspired to beautify my surroundings, even though I'm only renting. I've hung curtains on EVERY window in our apartment, and it feels more homey. I still have a long way to go until I'm completely flying, but for now, I'm doing VERY well, and I'm happy. Baby steps work! And I can DO anything!

Song of My Life

Lately, I've been depressed and I've posted a few frustrating posts. I apologize. When I think of my *problems* this song pops into my head. LOVE it!

Sounds Like Life to Me by Darryl Worley

Got a call last night from an old friend’s wife
Said I hate to bother you
Johnny Ray fell off the wagon
He’s been gone all afternoon
I know my buddy so I drove to Skully’s
And found him at the bar
I say hey man, what’s going on
He said I don’t know where to start

Sarah’s old car’s about to fall apart
And the washer quit last week
We had to put momma in the nursing home
And the baby’s cutting teeth
I didn’t get much work this week
And I got bills to pay
I said I know this ain’t what you wanna hear
But it’s what I’m gonna say

(Chorus)
Sounds like life to me it ain’t no fantasy
It’s just a common case of everyday reality
Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
It sounds like life to me

Well his face turned red and he shook his head
He said you don’t understand
Three kids and a wife depend on me
And I’m just one man
To top it off I just found out
That Sarah’s 2 months late
I said hey bartender set us up a round
We need to celebrate

(Chorus)
Sounds like life to me plain old destiny
Yeah the only thing for certain is uncertainty
You gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride
Get used to all this unpredictability
Sounds like life

Man I know its tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
Sounds like life to me

Sounds like life

Unknown Prayers Answered

I've been pretty humbled lately. I feel very grateful at the same time.

First off, I have THE best visiting teacher. Seriously, I LOVE this woman. Don't be jealous, but don't ask for her either...you can't have her...she's MINE!!

She called me yesterday morning wondering if she could stop in and visit. Not a problem, I'd just be in my messy house, still in pajamas....She promised a quick visit.

When she showed up she came with a big bucket full of goodies. She talked with me, and we laughed and giggled. talking with her just makes me SO happy!! She is who she is and she doesn't change for anyone. I've decided that when I grow up I want to be like her.

Then today, was a busy, LONG day. I was going to see if I could start donating plasma so that I could add some extra money to our Christmas budget, but after a VERY frustrating day, I found out that I don't qualify, YET. I can't donate until I'm finished nursing Jake and once I get a paper signed by my doctor saying that he's monitoring my insulin resistance. I *might* be able to try again in December.

So I was feeling bad for myself, wiped out, tired....and I got a fun call from another lady in my ward. She wanted to know what apartment I was in because she was in front of my building and she had something for me. (I had just woken up from a short nap and wasn't really *aware* of what she'd said, or the fact that she "had something" for me.)

She rang the doorbell and I opened it to find a SWEET woman, (I know, most women are sweet, right...) handing me an exercise ball. Last month, we'd had a fun service auction for our middle of the week Relief Society meeting, and I had bid on her service of getting the winner an exercise ball and teaching them how to use it. I didn't win it, but she's so sweet, she got me AND another woman the same thing. She asked me when I could exercise, and I was so out of it (hello, I JUST woke up...*giggle*) I kinda said I'd talk to her later.

How kind and SWEET are the women of my ward? Honestly. I am SO humbled that I have these women thinking of me and helping me.

Cheek Update....Sorta

I called Cam's geneticist (the doctor that diagnosed him with NF1, and the one we see every year) and he gave me a little bit of good news.

First bit of good news: Cameron does NOT have to have an MRI on his next visit to the doctor. YAY!! No sedation, no intense anxiety, NO waiting forever for him to come around. The doctor said that after checking his past 2 MRIs and nothing has changed. So since there's been no change and Cameron hasn't complained of pain in his belly, that there's probably nothing to worry about.

Second bit of good news: IF he does have a tumor on his cheek (don't know for SURE, but I'm pretty sure....) then he should be fine as long as it doesn't cause him pain. He said I shouldn't worry about it.

*Phew*

Thanks so much for your concern and prayers!