Forgiveness is Liberating

For a while now, I've been struggling with my bitter feelings for another. I had thought that I had already forgiven them and moved on, but when I saw this person I was suddenly overcome with feelings of anger and bitterness. I was NOT pleasant to be around. I thought bad thoughts about the other person, and I KNEW that I needed to truly forgive and move on.

I mentioned Time Out for Women and Sister Pierce's talk. I was already working on these feelings. The bitterness was more in my heart than in my head. I already KNEW what I needed, but I needed my heart to agree.

Then came General Conference. It was marvelous. There were SO many talks that spoke to this exact subject. Forgiveness. It was something that I must have needed to hear.

On Sunday morning one talk hit me particularly hard. It was from President Uchtdorf. I must admit, I have a bit of a crush on him, and I love to hear his talks. He always makes me feel happier and more uplifted after his sermons.

Anyway, part way through he spoke about harboring bad feelings for others. Judging others and having unChristlike feelings. Then he spoke his magical sermon:

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

"Stop it!

"It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children."

That was all it took for me. I thought about how silly I'd been, harboring these rotten feelings and feeding them over and over....stop it. I thought about how I'd perceived the actions of this other and realized that it was most likely my bitter attitude that made her seem so angry. I'd decided that I had better give her the benefit of the doubt and move on.

And that was the main key: I CAN MOVE ON! I don't have to worry about her life. I don't have to feel angry that she's having happy things happen to her. I can simply live my life, wish her well, and move on.

I feel like a 2-ton weight has been lifted. It's SO wonderful.

Since I'm not crafty, I tend to "borrow" from others. On this blog, there are many of the top quotes from Conference. I'm definetly sharing my new one:

New Friends

This weekend was quite eventful for me. I attended Time Out For Women, a religious event held annually. I've never gone before, but my new friends in my church encouraged me to go, so I did. I had NO idea how wonderfully I would be spiritually fed. It was absolutely wonderful.

Friday night 3 speakers participated: John Bytheway, Virginia Pierce, and Macy Robison. John Bytheway is ALWAYS fun to hear. He makes me laugh so much. That night's topic was marinating yourself in the good. (You might have needed to hear the talk to get the topics...) Virginia Pierce is the daughter of President and Sister Hinckley, she SO looks like both of them. Her topic hit me RIGHT between the eyes: forgiveness. It was absolutely wonderful. Then Macy interspersed the evening with song and her story. It was wonderful as well. I left feeling VERY uplifted and thrilled for the next day.

A little aside, I was a carpool driver for ladies in my ward. I'm VERY new, and don't know where people live....yet. I was left alone with my last person, who happens to be blind. SWEET, sweet woman. Anyway, I had picked her up earlier in the day, so I had a general idea of where she lived. Anyway, I took her to the house and told her that I was dropping her off in the driveway. She was fine with that, and I waited as she walked to the house, felt around a bit, then turned and walked back. I asked her if something was wrong and she said, "That screen didn't feel like mine, I think we're at the wrong house." Oh, my GOSH!! I was so thoroughly embarrassed. I quickly found out that I had dropped her off one house too early. (If there was a forehead slapping emoticon, I'd use it here....) She was very sweet about it, and I literally laughed the way home. It was QUITE funny, and I can now say that I will NEVER forget where she lives....EVER!

The next day I had breakfast with my ward ladies and then we went to the event. The whole day was just wonderful. I thought for SURE that it would drag on, but it went by super quick. The rest of the speakers were: Jericho Road, Emily Watts (substituting for Kris Belcher, who I HOPE to hear someday....), Mary Ellen Edmunds, Kelly Ogden, Merrilee Boyack (who I was SO excited to hear from, she wrote a book that literally changed my marriage....and made me laugh at the same time) and finally Emily Freeman. All the talks were inspiring and wonderful. The theme for the whole weekend was "Seek the Good." And truly, I found good and want to keep it always.

I will touch a bit on Merrilee's talk. I have wanted to hear from her since I saw her name on the line-up. She is one of my favorite authors. I actually REALLY want to read my book by her again, just so I can laugh and learn at the same time. Anyway, her topic was wonderful. She talked about giving out the good and spreading it around. I can't remember her exact phrase-ology, but it was something like, "Give out just 5 nanoseconds." It doesn't take much to make someone else's day. Saying a simple, "I love you and appreciate what you do." Or "You're so pretty/handsome/beautiful/funny...." Or "I'm so glad you're my friend (or in my family)." Those things don't take much time, but a purposeful count of 5 is what she made us raise our right hands and promise to do. I will say, that my morning was FABULOUS, because I'm using my 5 nano-seconds on my boys and husband. Cameron just about beamed out of his clothes with the simple praise I was giving him. I truly appreciated her message, and was lucky enough to go squeeze her and tell her that I appreciate her. She again encouraged me to do my 5 nano-seconds, and I said that I was most eager to do it on my boys and she said I reminded her that we could get our children doing it as well....she then thanked me. I have to say, I was a bit star-struck, and honestly, no one really truly would know her if they didn't go to TOFW or know her from her books.

I bonded quite well with ladies from my ward and have made some absolute GEM friends. I'm so blessed.

What a great weekend. I can't wait to get my DVD copy of it so I can relive all the wonderful words/feelings and thoughts of this weekend.

****************

Today we had some friends from church invite us over tonight to play games. I'm SO grateful they did. We had a blast. The boys had fun as well (Jake's decided that their daughter is his girlfriend.....SO cute!) Anyway, I think we're settling into this ward VERY well, and I'm so grateful.

Who Are You?

My friend shared this video with me today....I'm literally in TEARS!!!

Sending all of you my love, and God's!

Ever Have One of Those Sundays??

Do you ever have one of those Sundays where EVERYTHING you hear at church seems directed at you? Every prayer, every talk, every lesson seems applicable to YOUR life? This was my Sunday.

Sacrament Meeting went well. Lately I've tried to make a conscious effort to concentrate on the Savior during the passing of the sacrament, and today, it just totally slipped my mind. When the deacons were returning the water trays, I remember thinking to myself, "Wait! I forgot! Can I have a do-over?"

Once the speakers started, I DID get my do-over. The first speaker talked about being Christ's hands and responding quickly to promptings. He talked about how we say our prayers praying for someone to help us and they come and DO help us, why can't we be the answer to someone else's prayer?

Then our choir sang one of my favorite songs, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." I sang with the choir, and before going up I warned my boys to be good....Jake followed us up onto the stand and then stood at the front and peeked over the edge. Nice, my son is the ward's entertainment.

The second talk was about forgiveness. I come from a long line of grudge holders, and have perfected this trait myself. In fact, I've been struggling lately, but I haven't really mentioned it here, but I will now, because I need some help and perspective to get past it.

About a month ago, on one of our many Family Home Evenings, I had a blow up with my step-grandma. She is constantly telling me what to do, and treating me like a little kid. She's not very nice about it, and acts like she's my mom and I'm an incapable child. Well, that night, she tried to tell me something (at the same time that my own mother was telling me the SAME thing) and I got frustrated. I've held in my true feelings for years. And unfortunately, I blew up. I yelled and screamed and basically acted like a baby. I told her that I was an adult, and that I did NOT need her to tell me what to do. I can take care of my own family and she didn't need to get in the middle of it.

Now, the message is one that she might need to hear (since she is a butt-insky and is always trying to micromanage everyone around her....) but my presentation was HORRIBLE! I felt terrible. I wanted to apologize to her for yelling, but not for my message. So after consulting with some friends, I decided to email her my apology, but tell her that I will not put up with her treatment of me anymore. I meant what I said, but that I felt bad about yelling and acting like a little kid.

That was the single most SCARIEST moment of my life. I did NOT want to hurt her feelings, but I felt like I needed to stand up for myself and let her know where I stood. A week went by...she had not responded. I felt like things were going to be okay, and she was just going to let this blow over. I was relieved that we were "okay."

Unfortunately that is NOT how it ended. By the end of the week she had sent me a very nasty email saying that I was a horrible mother and wife and that she needed to tell me what to do because I was so incapable of doing it on my own.

I was hurt and angry. (Truth be told, I'm STILL hurt and angry.)

I have not seen NOR spoken to her since then.....it's very odd, and I have guilt that she is keeping herself from the rest of my family because of me.

When I heard the forgiveness talk today I KNEW that it was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that it is time to forgive her and move on. I just don't know how....it's so hard to forgive someone who refuses to forgive me (yes, in the email she told me that she will NEVER forgive me....) and someone who treats me and my family so badly. (I've been thinking over and over at how she treats my sweet Cameron....and it brings Mama Bear out EVERY time.) Someone told me that I need to let go and stop stewing over her, especially when I haven't seen her or talked to her in such a long time. That it is Satan trying to get me into his nets.

I admit that I should, but I am SO good at holding grudges. I mean, I'm amazing at holding grudges.

All through his talk I felt the Spirit tell me, "You need to forgive her. Forgiveness will make you feel so much better and you know it."

I know I do, and so in the middle of that talk, I said a small prayer that I will be able to find a way to forgive her.

Sunday School was great as well. The teacher spoke of parables and how we need to change ourselves to be receptive to truths. (Hello, I must need to do a lot of changing, because forgiveness is one of my weaknesses....)

Relief Society was probably the place where I was touched the most. I will tell you, I love my ward. LOVE them. And I've been trying to sit in different parts of the room to get to know every body and to switch things up. I sat by one of my favorite people and settled in to enjoy the lesson. Our opening song was "As Sisters in Zion." Again, a hymn that I love and that means SO much to me. I didn't have a book, so I felt the power of the words coming through my heart. It was very special.

Then the lesson was about Charity. This is something I wish I had a better grasp of. Charity is something I wish that I had for everyone, but I've been learning that I am very judgmental and I don't love everyone the same way Christ does. I've been trying to change. It's started a while ago with my younger brother, who has made so many wrong choices. One day I commented that something he loves is for "weird people" and he chastened me by saying "no, it's for people who are judged...." I have been quick to judge first and not to love as quickly. I've tried to change this about myself, and can truly feel stronger love for my brother.

During the lesson today I realized, "Charity is the answer to your forgiveness.... You need to learn to love your step-grandma the way that Christ does. Not only do you need to find Charity in your heart for her, but you need to share this love with your husband and children. They are the ones who are most deserving of your love and understanding. Treat them ALL better and you will be happier."

I spent the remainder of the lesson in tears and being chastened by the Spirit. (The teacher didn't make the lesson out to be one where you feel bad, in fact, she did an amazing job! I just took the truths she was teaching and applied them to my situations.) The closing hymn in Relief Society was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's version of "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus." As I think back to that song, I'm tearing up. It was beautiful and so true....we need to" love one another as Jesus loves [us]. Try to show kindness in all that [we] do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught." It shouldn't be so hard, it should be simple and easy to follow in his footsteps.

I've tried applying these lessons into dealing with my children, and while I have fallen a few times (yes, I've failed a few times in the last few hours since church...) things are going SO well. My boys aren't going to turn to me immediately, but I believe that if I love them with the "pure love of Christ" then things will be better and I will be happier.

The best part of the day came after the closing prayer. My favorite lady, that I sat by, leaned over and said to me (while the tears were pouring down my cheeks...) "I want you to know, that whenever people mention 'Dawnyel,' I hear nothing but good things. You are so sweet and we all just love having you here." Could there not be a better way to end the day?

So many lessons learned in such a short amount of time. It's been a fantastic Sunday.

Spiritually Fed

This morning I went with some women from my ward to a regional women's conference in Rexburg. We left fairly early, and waited for an hour before it started.

The guest speaker was Sister Julie B. Beck, the general Relief Society president. This is a HUGE deal. The only other time we really hear from the general Relief Society president is during conference or the general women's broadcast which precedes General Conference.

She started by talking about what a great time she's had and how she was a little nervous. Then she said that she would take questions from the audience and answer them. The Spirit was SO strong. She asked that the questions be able to help others and not be too terribly specific. The first question was great: How do we gain our own personal testimony of the Relief Society?

Her answer was to know who we are, that we're not below the priesthood, but that the Relief Society works hand in hand in Heavenly Father's plan. Women, along with men, are equal halves of a divine pair. Women have our roles, and men have theirs. We can't delegate to the other, we must do our own work.

Then she told us the mission of Relief Society: Increase our faith and righteousness, strengthen our homes and families, and seek others to help.

She said that the most revelation we'll receive will be when we get on our knees and ask.

Questions ranged from wayward children, to wayward friends, how we can strengthen our own spirits and endure, what we can do to prepare to serve a mission, how we can find balance in all aspects of our lives, how often to attend the temple, how to accept others and not use spite, how to better teach, how to guard against pornography, and how to prepare this world for Christ. It was one where we heard stories, searched the scriptures and encouraged one another.

A few of my favorite sayings that she said mostly had to do with parenting and being a good friend and sister.

"Don't ever assume that the person you are talking to doesn't need something too." (In other words, everyone is struggling with something, why not try to help out where we can.)

"Be a light, melt the spite."

"We want our Spiritual children to be kind and obedient. This is not what we were given. Our children are the Lord's toughest and strongest Spirits and they NEED strong teachers and leaders."

"We all have excuses about Visiting Teaching, but we need to get over them. The Lord doesn't care, he wants us to get to work."

Over all, a great GREAT meeting. I love it when my spiritual reservoirs are filled.

Must Share...

Saturday I went to the general broadcast of the world-wide Relief Society meeting. It was completely wonderful!

I usually go with my mom to her building, and when we got there, it was dark in the chapel. My mom is blind in one eye, and so her night-vision is horrible. (She doesn't drive at night anymore because she literally cannot see.) I had to grab her hand and lead her to the pew. We sat on the second row, pretty much by ourselves. The opening song was being sung, "Count Your Blessings." I sat and listened for a bit and started thinking about things. The first thought was, "I am truly blessed. I have so much to be grateful for, and now I'm honored to hear from a living prophet and church leaders tonight." I got teary and had to wipe my face.

After the song, the prayer was given, and in it, the woman mentioned that President Monson (the prophet) would be speaking. I was overwhelmed by a peaceful, excited feeling. He was going to be speaking to ME!

The meeting was wonderful, but the highlight WAS President Monson's talk. He made us all laugh and cry. It was wonderful. His topic was about not judging others. I've felt lately that I have been too judgmental. My younger brother, who's been rebelling for quite a while, made some comments a while back that has had me thinking.

My uncle was visiting at my parents' house and he asked my brother, Shad, what he was doing. Shad told him that he was working at Hot Topic. My uncle then asked him what Hot Topic was. Shad told him that it was a music store, and I added, "Yeah, it's where weird people go to buy weird stuff...." Shad then said, "It's where people go to be judged by others...."

I didn't think too much of it until the next day.

That Sunday I was helping my mom make dinner while my other brother was talking about how people had tried to enter the store he works at before it was opened that morning. I joked, "Keep the Sabbath day holy...." To which Shad said, "Judge not, lest thou be judged...."

Was I really that judgmental? I looked at myself and decided that I wasn't being very fair to him, so I needed to change my attitude.

Then when I heard President Monson talking about judging others, I was struck again. He told a story about a husband and wife. The wife would tell her husband every day that their neighbor, who hung her laundry out to dry, didn't know how to clean her clothes. She complained about what a lousy job this neighbor did EVERY day. One day, she looked and said, "Look, she's learned how to clean her clothes. What do you think happened?" Then her husband said, "I woke up early and cleaned our windows." Even though it's funny, and cute, it hit me. I need to stop judging others based on my poor view.

The whole talk was wonderful, and gave me hope that I can change and start to love others the way that Christ does.

I am trying harder to be a better mom to my boys as well. I've realized that I've been extra hard on them, and I need to give them extra love and understanding.

That meeting has helped me to see that I need to be a better woman, one who truly exemplifies Christ in ALL I do.

They Spoke to ME

Today was our broadcast Stake Conference. (In other words, it was stake conference, but it was broadcast to each stake center in the area from Salt Lake City.) I was surprised to see President Monson was there.

The messages were FANTASTIC! The whole feel of the meeting was wonderful, but once President Monson got up to speak, I was enthralled. He was speaking directly to ME! He spoke of saving those who are lost (our lost battalions of the old and lonely, the ones who have alienated themselves from family, and the inactive members.) The whole time I kept thinking about my brothers who have become inactive. I felt the power of the prophet's words about loving them, and encouraging them to return.

I love it when I truly feel the Spirit speak to my soul! It is so wonderful!

Lessons in Mothering

Sleep is far from my mind. My brain is swirling with the things I've learned at church. It was a truly great day for me. I felt the Spirit SO much, and I felt prompted in the things I've been struggling with.

First off, the sacrament meeting speakers touched on things I'm not doing, but should be. The first one spoke of consistency in the little things (prayer and scripture study). I do pray, constantly, but my personal scripture study has fallen by the wayside since I finished my goal last year to read the Book of Mormon. I need to do better.

Then in Sunday School we talked about the parallels between the story of Abraham and Isaac and Christ. The one thing that hit me was that when Abraham was commanded to sacrifice Isaac he didn't complain, he did it obediently with no other words. What a great example of obedience.

And finally, in Relief Society we discussed Dallin H. Oaks' talk about Love and Law, how Heavenly Father is bound by laws, but that doesn't change his love. I tried to apply this to my parenting style. I've felt like SUCH a failure as a mother at the end of a trying day. I've felt discouraged when my sweet son gets SO angry with me that he storms upstairs, slams his bedroom door, and screams, "I HATE YOU!" (This was NOT what I had expected my life as a mother to be.)

The teacher, who is someone I've looked up to for a VERY long time, was talking about how Heavenly Father can't make everything in life "fair." He can't give EVERYONE the exact same things, because THAT wouldn't be fair. Then she drew a parallel between my Cameron and her son. Cameron has some pretty severe delays, he still has problems with his speech, and he can't read. Her son, on the other hand, is a typical child, and has no problems with his speech or reading in the same way that Cameron does. She was saying that we can't ask them both to do the exact same tasks, because it wouldn't be fair to either one. (Of course, as she was talking, I had already been thinking about this and completely agreed. But I felt the Spirit SO strongly, that I was bawling....) I wasn't offended, in fact, I learned SO much in that one thought that I feel like I should have learned YEARS ago.

Lesson 1: My Cameron is different. He cannot be held to the same standards as *typical* children. He can't compete, and that is okay.

Lesson 2: His delays make him more compassionate and loving. He is FAR closer to being like Jesus and Heavenly Father than I am.

Lesson 3: Even if he never "catches up" to his peers, he needs to be loved and treated well.

(See, these things are "duh" things, but things I've never really taken the time to THINK about.)

On the flip-side, I also learned some things about parenting Jake.

Lesson 1: Just as Cameron is special, so is Jake. They may not be special in the same way, but they both have great talents and abilities that are theirs alone.

Lesson 2: It wouldn't be fair to Jake OR Cameron to hold both boys to the same standards. They're different and learn differently.

Lesson 3: Both of my boys, even WITH their differences, have a great ability to love without boundaries or limits. They're a great example to ME of how to love unconditionally.

Lesson 4: I need to love both boys and parent them individually, because they are individuals.

My eyes were opened, and I am SO grateful for the Spirit that taught me SO much about me and my family. I just need to remember these lessons....always!

Not Skipping Out=Me Blessed!

We had Stake Conference this weekend. And it was marvelous! I've never really enjoyed a conference more. (That's pretty sad...I should enjoy ALL of my meetings like this!)

The visiting General Authority was so fun and very educational. Elder William Walker was SO wonderful to be around. First off, he was very complimentary of our choir (of which I was a member!) then on Saturday night he excused us to sit in the congregation, so we didn't have to spend the meeting looking at the back of his head. Since most of the chapel was filled Steve and I ended up on the front row...squished in like sardines.

We really laughed at some of his comments, and thought hard at others. He told some amazing stories about where he came from, people he's met along the way, and some other special things. It was so nice!

Then the next day he gave the same sort of talk! The thing that I thought was funniest was he complimented our Stake President on his "prepared" talks. Then he challenged him to give an impromptu talk sometime. We all giggled at that!

During Sunday's conference, he had our choir sing our Saturday night song, Jesus Once of Humble Birth, again. I was crying so hard that I didn't really make it through the song. Our choir director is an amazing man! He'll mark up EVERYONE'S music...with where to breathe, how to say the words, how to sing diphthongs, EVERYTHING you could think of. Then he works us over and over on those songs, making us use mental imagery to make our tones better. He was having us sing the songs like velvet or chocolate. Can you imagine how beautiful velvet sounds?? It was nice!

Then we sang the other songs, Lead Kindly Light and Have I Done Any Good?, and they were just SO beautiful! Elder Walker kept saying (both Saturday and Sunday) that he's never heard a stake choir sing like we did.

He did more than just compliment us though. He told us to keep our pioneer heritage alive in our families, to have good music in our homes, to serve others, be an example of Jesus always, and he gave the husbands some Valentines' advice (I took the advice too): "Love your wives with all your hearts." He told us that there are only two places in the scriptures where the Lord tells us to love with "all our hearts." The first is to love God, the second is to love our wives (spouses.) All in all I was so spiritually fed and was grateful to have been there. There were times, years ago, when I would have just skipped out on Stake Conference, thinking that I don't really NEED to go. Now that I'm older, and maybe a bit wiser, I know that this meeting is just as important as our other meetings! So glad I didn't skip out!

That night as Steve and I were at home, just basking in the wonderful advice we had been given, we got a phone call from a member of our bishopric. Steve just got a new calling LAST month...so we knew it was for me. I have mixed feelings. I was (yes, notice the word "was") one of our ward's primary choristers. I had just put all of my papers together for the next YEAR. I was so organized, and SO excited for the songs for this year! But, as you can expect, I got released. I won't put up what my new calling is yet...I haven't been sustained yet. But if you want, we can play a guessing game (for the ONE person I actually told...you can't guess!) I'm nervous about this new calling, but excited too.

My Sunday was very filled and very wonderful. I don't get days like that very often, so when they come around I should enjoy them...right!? :)

A Blurb About RS Broadcast

I'm sorry about the extra post for today, but I have to comment on how much I LOVED the Women's broadcast tonight! I have been so emotional lately that the instant they started I was in tears. (What's up with that!?) Anyway, I can't believe how much they zeroed in on what I have been feeling this week...it's amazing that we can learn SO much from these inspired women! (Even when we're dealing with a whiny child that we had to take with us at the last minute...) I'm really looking forward to next weekend now! :)

Epiphany of Sorts

Without going into too much detail I learned a VERY valuable lesson in the wee hours of the morning today. I was pondering what was happening in my life and why all of those prayers I've prayed haven't been answered in the way I have hoped and wanted for so long. Then the thought came to me that I wasn't ready for it. If I had been given what I had wanted, my life would NOT be the same, happy life I have now.

Someone once shared a parable with me...and it completely applies to my life right now.

When you're a mother and your child comes to you at 11:30 in the morning asking for cookies, you tell him no. Then you give him a sandwich and some milk and tell him that what he REALLY needs is lunch. He may whine and throw a tantrum, but you are the mother, and you know what is best for your child.

When we pray to God for things, He may react like we did to our cookie-seeking child. We may be praying over and over for "cookies," but what we really need is some "lunch."

I've been praying for cookies for a LONG time now, and just realized the exact reasons that I've been told to eat my lunch. I am just SO grateful for an all knowing Father who looks out for me, and gives me what I need, rather than what I want.

I'm reminded of a song by Michael McLean...I hope he forgives me for sharing the words with you now:

All I ever wanted,
All I ever dreamed of
Everything I hoped and all the things I prayed for
Couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given
I've been given what I need.

A mansion on a hill or love like in the movies
Perfect little lives where no one has a problem
Instead of all those things I thought I really wanted
I've been given what I need.

Even when I didn't understand
When I thought you had no heart
Thank you for rejecting my demands
And always giving me the better part.

The words to this song sum up my thoughts completely and I'm just SO grateful for an early morning epiphany!