Forgiveness is Liberating

For a while now, I've been struggling with my bitter feelings for another. I had thought that I had already forgiven them and moved on, but when I saw this person I was suddenly overcome with feelings of anger and bitterness. I was NOT pleasant to be around. I thought bad thoughts about the other person, and I KNEW that I needed to truly forgive and move on.

I mentioned Time Out for Women and Sister Pierce's talk. I was already working on these feelings. The bitterness was more in my heart than in my head. I already KNEW what I needed, but I needed my heart to agree.

Then came General Conference. It was marvelous. There were SO many talks that spoke to this exact subject. Forgiveness. It was something that I must have needed to hear.

On Sunday morning one talk hit me particularly hard. It was from President Uchtdorf. I must admit, I have a bit of a crush on him, and I love to hear his talks. He always makes me feel happier and more uplifted after his sermons.

Anyway, part way through he spoke about harboring bad feelings for others. Judging others and having unChristlike feelings. Then he spoke his magical sermon:

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

"Stop it!

"It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children."

That was all it took for me. I thought about how silly I'd been, harboring these rotten feelings and feeding them over and over....stop it. I thought about how I'd perceived the actions of this other and realized that it was most likely my bitter attitude that made her seem so angry. I'd decided that I had better give her the benefit of the doubt and move on.

And that was the main key: I CAN MOVE ON! I don't have to worry about her life. I don't have to feel angry that she's having happy things happen to her. I can simply live my life, wish her well, and move on.

I feel like a 2-ton weight has been lifted. It's SO wonderful.

Since I'm not crafty, I tend to "borrow" from others. On this blog, there are many of the top quotes from Conference. I'm definetly sharing my new one:

Being Led By the Spirit

I've had a few experiences in the last week that have shown me that I can truly help others when I follow the Spirit. It's been quite humbling and exhilarating at the same time to realize that I've been the way Heavenly Father has been able to answer others' prayers.

On Sunday we mixed things up with our church schedule. Usually we go to Sacrament meeting, Sunday School and then Relief Society/Priesthood. This week we switched the last two hours. In Relief Society we watched a beautiful video about working on our own family history....finding those of our family who belong to us. I "leaked" through the story about a couple with four teens. They were struggling and the husband admitted that they might get divorced. The video was following actual people, so it wasn't a story that someone had written. Anyway, the couple worked on doing their family history together and began to get closer. Then at the end of the video the couple ended up getting sealed in the temple. It was absolutely a beautiful story.

Then we went to Sunday School. I hate to admit, but all through church, I was feeling sleepy and thought I might fall asleep if I had to sit still through one more class. We started out with a very good discussion talking about whining vs. murmuring vs. speaking up. One brother talked about how his young son had whined that he didn't want to go to his Primary class, then at that moment we heard loud whining in the hallway. His wife was out trying to wrangle that little boy and keep him happy and calm. We all kind of giggled at that, and went on. As we were going on a thought came to me, "You need to go out there and help." It was VERY strong and VERY persistent. I calmly put my scriptures away, gathered up my big bag and went into the hallway. I saw the look of frustration on the mom's face and asked, "Can I help you? I feel like I need to." She laughed and said that another sister said the same thing. We went to a table and pulled things out of my giant church bag. The things I had in there weren't necessarily things I would usually have, because I don't like taking treats to church, but I took them because we were supposed to have choir practice and my boys get a little whiny and rambunctious during that time. I gave this little boy some animal crackers and he instantly stopped crying. The other woman and I shooed the mom off to Sunday School and we proceeded to play with this little guy. We played cars, raced them, laughed when they drove off the table and then talked a lot. He didn't scream again for the rest of the class.

I honestly don't know why I needed to help him, other than I THINK that he would have kept screaming if I hadn't gone out with my cookies. But his mom got to enjoy Sunday School with her husband and not worry about her little boy.

Last night I had a voice mail from the lady that helped us do our lending. She sounded quite frantic and frustrated. She said she was trying to track down a check that our insurance company had sent for $412. She wondered if we had it.

I called her back, leaving her a message, that yes, we had gotten a check for $412, and that it was sitting quietly in our escrow account.

Here's the whole story.

A few weeks after we'd moved into our home, our homeowners insurance company sent us this large check. Steve had checked the mail, and was pleased that we were blessed with this extra money. He hid it from me, planning on surprising me with a Kindle Fire or an iPad for Christmas. Well, he couldn't hide it for long, and after 3 days showed it to me. I was INSTANTLY worried. I knew that we shouldn't be getting an extra check, and that we had JUST bought the home. I worried that we might lose our insurance or something else would happen.

I called the insurance agent and he suggested that we call our mortgage company and have them put it into our escrow account. I called the mortgage company and sent them the check. This was well over a month ago, and I haven't thought a thing of it since.

At the same time another couple, who'd just bought their home, got a cancellation notice on their homeowners insurance. Their premium wasn't paid at all. This was a more than a little frustrating to them, I'm sure, and they called our friend Julz.

Apparently, the title company accidentally paid OUR insurance (which is the same company) with THEIR money.

At the time I was putting the money back into escrow, I never felt good about *just* spending it. I only felt peace once it was safely tucked away, where we couldn't spend it.

Again, the Spirit works in mysterious ways.

My friend told me that I was one in a million, because anyone else would have spent that money. I explained the situation to her and how I knew it wasn't right to spend it. She said that it was a miracle, because they never hear about those kinds of things happening.

I don't know why I was so blessed to be the one to help others, but I'm grateful and happy that I listened.

Must Share...

Saturday I went to the general broadcast of the world-wide Relief Society meeting. It was completely wonderful!

I usually go with my mom to her building, and when we got there, it was dark in the chapel. My mom is blind in one eye, and so her night-vision is horrible. (She doesn't drive at night anymore because she literally cannot see.) I had to grab her hand and lead her to the pew. We sat on the second row, pretty much by ourselves. The opening song was being sung, "Count Your Blessings." I sat and listened for a bit and started thinking about things. The first thought was, "I am truly blessed. I have so much to be grateful for, and now I'm honored to hear from a living prophet and church leaders tonight." I got teary and had to wipe my face.

After the song, the prayer was given, and in it, the woman mentioned that President Monson (the prophet) would be speaking. I was overwhelmed by a peaceful, excited feeling. He was going to be speaking to ME!

The meeting was wonderful, but the highlight WAS President Monson's talk. He made us all laugh and cry. It was wonderful. His topic was about not judging others. I've felt lately that I have been too judgmental. My younger brother, who's been rebelling for quite a while, made some comments a while back that has had me thinking.

My uncle was visiting at my parents' house and he asked my brother, Shad, what he was doing. Shad told him that he was working at Hot Topic. My uncle then asked him what Hot Topic was. Shad told him that it was a music store, and I added, "Yeah, it's where weird people go to buy weird stuff...." Shad then said, "It's where people go to be judged by others...."

I didn't think too much of it until the next day.

That Sunday I was helping my mom make dinner while my other brother was talking about how people had tried to enter the store he works at before it was opened that morning. I joked, "Keep the Sabbath day holy...." To which Shad said, "Judge not, lest thou be judged...."

Was I really that judgmental? I looked at myself and decided that I wasn't being very fair to him, so I needed to change my attitude.

Then when I heard President Monson talking about judging others, I was struck again. He told a story about a husband and wife. The wife would tell her husband every day that their neighbor, who hung her laundry out to dry, didn't know how to clean her clothes. She complained about what a lousy job this neighbor did EVERY day. One day, she looked and said, "Look, she's learned how to clean her clothes. What do you think happened?" Then her husband said, "I woke up early and cleaned our windows." Even though it's funny, and cute, it hit me. I need to stop judging others based on my poor view.

The whole talk was wonderful, and gave me hope that I can change and start to love others the way that Christ does.

I am trying harder to be a better mom to my boys as well. I've realized that I've been extra hard on them, and I need to give them extra love and understanding.

That meeting has helped me to see that I need to be a better woman, one who truly exemplifies Christ in ALL I do.

And Now It's Story Time

My friend, Sketchy, sent me a BEAUTIFUL story that I've heard before, but want to share. I feel very fortunate to have my different little boy, but there are DEFINITELY days where I wish I was in Italy. (By the way, I don't know who wrote this story, so I apologize now for not telling you who the author is.)

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"Welcome to Holland"

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this.......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.

"But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But.... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

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I want to shake this person's hand and thank them for putting this SO beautifully. It truly is amazing to have a child with differences. Maybe part of MY learning experience from having my son is learning to put aside those dreams that I thought were mine, and dream of what I have. I think that's something I will work harder on: finding peace and happiness in the life I DO have, instead of mourning the life that isn't mine to live. Sure there will be bumps along the way, but I will get up, and will try again!

Faith

I've had a lot on my mind lately. It has to do with faith, and building my life on a sure foundation, which is Christ.

One of my dear cousins has decided that the Church is no longer true, and wants nothing to do with it. I guess I'm just having a hard time seeing how someone who I thought was SO strong, could fall so hard, so fast!

The last year of her life has been pretty traumatic. She's had a best friend commit suicide. I don't know if it started before his death, but she took it REALLY hard.

I guess when people are in shock, and don't know what to say, they can say some really stupid things. She was told over and over that her friend wouldn't be judged because of the state of mind he was in, but then she was told he'd go to Hell for some of the other bad choices he'd made.

My problem HERE is, no one is in any place where they can honestly judge this poor kid. NO ONE!! Not me, not his parents, not even his friends. God is the only one that I know of, who knows this young man's heart and mind so thoroughly, that HE can know what was really going on.

Anyway, she's had a bumpy road, and I just worry about her.

I know for ME that I would be spiraling out of control in a pit of depression, worldliness, and fear, hurt, and anger WITHOUT the gospel in MY life. My knowledge of the truthfulness of this Church, sometimes, is the ONLY thing that gets me through a rotten day. THE ONLY THING! I know that with God's help, that I can fix the mistakes I've made, and work harder at being the person I hope to become.
And I know WITHOUT a DOUBT that where I am, what I'm doing, and who I'm trying to be is in alliance with God's plan. I KNOW it. Nothing anyone around me will say can change my mind. I know!

Where did I get such a sure knowledge?? From my faith. My belief that things in my life are directly from God. Noticing the little things around me that I consider miracles. The budding of a flower. A beautiful sunset. A bird in flight. My son, picking up a new concept that has previously been hard for him. The love I feel for my husband. The love I feel FROM my Father. There are SO many things that I see that let me know that God truly is mindful of me.

I ache because my cousin no longer has the whole picture in front of her. I hope and pray for her constantly. I wish that someday, she will come back, and know, as I do, that her foundation can get her through ANYTHING.

I've been wondering, if everyone around me, my husband, my parents, my siblings, EVERYONE suddenly fell away from the Church. (Yeah, it's a LONG shot, but go with me on the mentality of the thought.) Would I be able to stand up for the things I've been taught and KNOW are true? Would I have the strength to continue on, ON my own, without any crutches to hold me up? Am I as SURE of my testimony as I should be?

After much thought, and prayer, I've come to the conclusion that yes, I can be that strong, but I must continue to cultivate and build up that foundation. I MUST! Just because I have this renewed determination doesn't mean that the path will be easy, but it's a road that I need to travel. Something that I must do, before the storms of temptation, doubt, and hopelessness come. It's like the song, "The Wise Man and the Foolish Man." I MUST build my house on the rock, so that when the rains come down, and the floods come up, my house on the rock will stay firm!

A Sisterly Reminder...

My sister is honestly, THE BEST SISTER IN THE WORLD!! She called me tonight (yeah, it's nearly midnight...what are you going to do about it!?) and we gabbed for a bit, then she told me to check my email.
Last week when I vented about Cam, the destructo boy, she wrote me an email that basically told me that while she felt bad, she was still busting a gut over his antics. Yeah, if I hadn't lived through all of it, I would be laughing too. So she told me that tonight's email was the "nice" sister message. I read what she wrote and bawled. Yeah, I've got the tear-stains on my glasses to prove it! She reminded me of all of the things I have to be grateful for, and what I've been promised. I just LOVE her so much!! She's so good to me, even after I was so mean to her!

She also sent me a sweet poem about family, and lately, it's me...every word. I'm so mean to those that matter the most. I thought I'd share it here, and please, don't judge me too harshly!

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F A M I L Y

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,

"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.

He said, "Please excuse me too;

I wasn't watching for you."

We were very polite, this stranger and I.

We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,

How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,

My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.

"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.

I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,

God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger,

common courtesy you use,

but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,

You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.

He picked them himself:

pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,

you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,

And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;

"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"

He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.

I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;

I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."

He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.

I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too,

and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

FAMILY

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow,

the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.

But the family we left behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than into our own family,

an unwise investment indeed, don't you think?

So what is behind the story?

Do you know what the word FAMILY means?

FAMILY = (F)ATHER (A)ND (M)OTHER (I) (L)OVE (Y)OU

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Thank you Michelle, for the reminder! I really needed it!

Something Positive!!

Okay, I'm tired of the negativity in my life. I'm going to start this fun meme I got off of someone else's blog! Let's be more UP on ourselves...and less DOWN!!

Leave a comment praising yourself to the skies. Genuine, unqualified praise. Tell me something about you that's utterly awesome.

I am a very fun person to be around. No matter who I'm with I can make them laugh and have a good time! (Usually I think it's my laughter that is contagious...but I think it's also my personality!)

God Bless America!

Last year my brother and I undertook a fun project. We love listening to inspiring CDs, but when it came to the choices we had for patriotic songs there were NONE! I seriously LOVE patriotic songs. I live in the coolest city WEST of the Mississippi. On the 4th of July a local company owner puts up his own money and gives our area the BIGGEST fireworks show west of the Mississippi! Don't ask me how they KNOW it's the biggest, but when I see it every year, I tend to believe it! Anyway, a local radio station also sponsors the big event by putting together a play list that goes with the fireworks. Let me tell you, there are many many times when I listen to the songs they play and see the shining lights in the sky and I just cry. I feel so grateful to those men and women who made it possible for me to live the kind of life I can today. Anyway, my brother and I wanted to capture that "magic" to carry with us. I mean, when you want to get into the Christmas spirit you play Christmas music, right? So we wanted to feel the Patriotic spirit, so we made this CD. We searched and searched for the perfect songs that capture the feelings the we have on Independence Day and finally we thought we had come up with a good list, so we went to work making one for each person in our family. I think I listened to that CD a hundred times last year...I LOVE IT!!

This year I started thinking about that magical CD and I knew I was ready for that patriotic spirit!! I grabbed my CD holder that I keep in my car and flipped through the whole thing...it WASN'T there! But I wasn't deterred...I knew there were other places it could be. I went to my CD stash in the house and looked...it wasn't there either! AH!! I was starting to panic! I want that music...I need to feel that surge of gratefulness...where was I going to get it from?? I started to freak out and my husband calmly walked down the stairs and handed over the beloved CD. A wave of relief flooded over me. Since the day he gave me the CD I've listened to it many many times. I want to hear those songs when I come in the house and not just in the car (where I listen to the majority of my CDs) so this morning I burned myself an extra copy....YAY!! I'm so happy.

Now to get to the reason I'm writing this WHOLE big back-story. My absolute favorite FAVORITE patriotic song is "God Bless the USA" by Lee Greenwood. To me, this holiday would NOT be complete without hearing it, at least once! Years and years ago we sang this song in a huge 3rd grade program and ever since then I've LOVED it! It just makes me grateful to live in a free land where you can do pretty much anything your heart desires. What other country allows you the right to bad mouth those very rights that allows you to speak your mind? Okay, so maybe the way I say it doesn't make sense, but I mean, seriously...I love living in this country. My heart swells with pride everytime I hear those sweet words, "I thank my lucky stars to be living here today, 'Cause the flag still stands for freedom and they can't take that away. And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free, And I won't forget the men who died who gave that right to me, And I gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today, 'Cause there ain't no doubt I love this land; God Bless the U.S.A."

I think of all of those people out there who want to destroy those sacred rights that I love and cherish! And then my mind turns to September 11th. I know that I will ALWAYS remember the feelings I felt that day. I had an almost one-year-old son, and I thought that it was the end of the world. I wondered what kind of a world my son would live in. I sat numbly watching the images that they had on the news. By the time I had heard about what was going on, the first tower had already fallen and the second was leaning pretty badly. When that second tower started to fall, my heart sank and tears came to my eyes. My thoughts were on those poor children who lost their parents and how their lives would change so drastically. My heart had broken! Part of my "patriotic" CD is dedicated to remembering the feelings I felt that day, I have a few songs that are September 11th-esque. I always want to remember how TRULY blessed I am to live where I do, doing the things I can, and enjoying my life the way I see fit! (And just so you don't think I'm only talking about the USA...in my mind I think Canada is a part of this great land, their way of living is so close to our own, it's only right that they be included in this chant of blessing the USA/America!)

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Now, my primary plans for tomorrow. It's the last Sunday of June (where did the month go?) and on the last Sunday of each month we play the SAME game. It's a little boy who needs to put on the armor of God. On the back of each piece of armor I have one of the songs that we need to review. Since we haven't learned ALL the songs for the year, I do have one or two fun songs. And we won't be picking another piece of armor until the kids sing the song to my satisfaction. The songs we'll be reviewing are: "Dearest Children, God is Near You," "Scripture Power," "I Know My Father Lives," "Follow the Prophet," "Did Jesus Really Live Again?," and "Holding Hands Around the World." They LOVE it when we play this game. And so that I'm fair to all kids involved, I pick names out of a can that the Primary Presidency has made. It has EVERYONE'S names on sticks with flowers on top. It just makes it so I don't have to think about who to pick next, and it REALLY helps you memorize those names!

Spiritual Awakening

For the past two weeks upon coming home from an exhausting workout at church I've settled onto my comfy couch and watched KBYU. I have found a NEW way to unwind! On any normal day I'll flip through my channels and quickly pass by this untapped resource. Normally I'm just trying to keep Cam entertained so that I can go on to do other things. But on that first Sunday after they changed up my world I decided, "Why not attempt to get back what I feel I've lost this day, and see where it gets me."

My husband was sacked out on the sofa, Cam had wandered upstairs to play in his room, and I got carried away on a spiritual high. I just love those days when I can feel the Spirit so strongly that I don't want to stop learning and growing. I don't even remember exactly what the point of the speaker's talk was, all I know is that I was loving this education that I was getting in my own home!

Then this last Sunday I came home, not nearly as exhausted as before, but pretty spent, and I did the same thing. Husband in the same position, son in the same position, why not mom in the same? I had a hard time pulling myself away from the things that they were showing! The speaker that drew me in this week was talking about romantic love versus eternal love. I was in hog heaven! I learned a lot about myself and what I expect from my husband...the poor guy! Anyway, I hadn't learned that much since my favorite/hardest class I took at Ricks College. Unfortunately that feeling was fleeting, I had to take my poor hard-working husband to work and I was going to join my siblings for Sunday dinner. After a fun day with my family, I came home, got Cam settled into bed and quickly turned that channel back on. I was back to my spiritual plane. My sweetheart came home, looking like the world had run him over, and then backed up and did it again, so I invited him into my world. I rubbed his aching feet while we listened to more spiritual truths. It was so nice and "romantic." I think I will try more often to invite that Spirit into my life....it makes me so much happier...and there's nothing better than that!

Life really is good

I went to a WONDERFUL women's conference at our church today. When I woke up this morning I was VERY tempted to stay home and sleep in, but I had canceled some other plans to go, so I got ready and went. I got to the chapel and ladies from my ward immediately squooshed on the bench to make room for me. I chatted with some of the people that I hadn't seen for a while and then the meeting started. Reading the program I thought it would be long and boring. I should really learn not to judge things by their covers! They had a main speaker from the local leadership who was the featured speaker, but he was last on the program. They had 3 musical numbers and four speakers who were before him. I hate to admit it, but I enjoyed the women who spoke more than the featured speaker. They spoke directly to my heart. I was so touched and felt the motivation to change myself to become more like them. It was so great. While I was at the meeting I finally felt the peace that I've been searching for.

I was invited to a wedding last night and I had a rough time accepting the marriage. This is my aunt's third marriage and I felt he was the biggest loser of all of her previous husbands. The thing is that a few years ago she lived in the same apartment building as we do, and one morning I got a frantic call from her to come and help her and bring someone with me. So I hurried upstairs to wake my husband up and we RAN down to her place. Long story short I saved her from being beaten up by this guy. He even tried to convince me that she was the one who was beating him up. Ever since then I've been struggling with her choice of this guy and my hatred of him. I know that I shouldn't be so unforgiving and stubborn, but I feel a protectiveness over her that is hard to ignore. I've been praying and praying for help to overcome my feelings for this guy. My aunt is constantly telling us that he's changed and that they are working together to fix their problems and that he's a completely different man. So when I found out that he was going to marry her I can't describe the feelings that I felt. I was so upset with her for going back to that loser and mad that he was still such a big part of her life. I finally have come to terms with the choices that she has made and I think I can finally forgive her husband and move on with my life. I've decided that I can't judge him. I believe that Christ atoned for everyone's sins and if I truly believe that then I have to give my aunt's husband the benefit of the doubt and hope and believe that he has truly changed and is responsible for his own actions. And today,at the meeting I went to,I felt the rest of that hatred that I was clinging to leave me. I can't describe the peace I feel. Forgiveness doesn't just feel great when someone forgives you, it can feel just as wonderful to forgive and release those burdensome feelings.