Mommy Has a Potty Mouth

I have a confession: I never swore until I had children.

I remember accidentally saying "damn" when I was younger and I felt SO embarrassed and horrible that I promised myself I would never say a bad word again...

That worked, until I had children. And when I say "children" I do mean MORE than one. I didn't swear until I had TWO kids.

Now I'm a big bad swearing machine. I say words I don't want to say and feel horribly guilty after I say them.

Today I was chewing the boys out for making a mess of the living room and leaving their toys strewn across the floor. I said a particularly poopy word about 5 times. After the fifth time and my guilt growing each time, I said out loud, "I need to STOP saying that word!"

The boys just looked at me with questioning eyes....

Then I randomly said, "DOG POOPY!"

Both boys cracked up. They couldn't STOP laughing. Pretty soon they were chanting, "Dog poopy!" Followed by uncontrollable laughter.

I told my boys that if I say that potty word again, they had my permission to say "dog poopy" and stop me in my tracks.

Lumpy

This weekend, after having a wonderful experience at a Women's Conference that built me up, I had a humbling moment. I found a small lump on my breast.

I have been a mess all weekend. I tried to hold it in at church, but broke down during a few of the hymns and my husband's solo. During those songs I was feeling the love of the Lord and my Savior. I know they love me and they are watching over me.

My little lump could be anything, but I'm going to a doctor tomorrow to have it checked out. If you could spare a few prayers for me and my small family, I would truly appreciate it.

No matter what, I AM going to go on. I AM going to be okay. I am NOT going to let a little lump get me down.

One More Mommy Confession

Yesterday, while the boys were obnoxious and bouncing off the walls, I got super frustrated. The thing of it is that they like to bang on the walls that we share with neighbors. I don't mind so much when it's just them banging on our inner walls, but the shared walls makes me crazy because I'm so afraid the neighbors are going to think we're rotten neighbors.

I could hear them banging on the shared wall and I said, "You know boys, you need to be more polite. You shouldn't bang on the wall we share with the neighbors, because they might call the cops. And if they do, I might be tempted to let the police take you both away...."

Silence for a minute...

Cameron called back, "Maybe Grandma would want us."

Can You Keep a Secret?

It's the middle of the night (I know you wouldn't know this unless I confessed, so I did.) I am all by myself in my living room. The television is off (if only my kids saw it that way....they'd freak out.) I'm sitting on the computer looking up as many songs as I can by a few of my favorite artists.....

Seriously, can you keep a secret??

Promise??

Cross your heart? Hope to die, stick a needle in your eye?

I really mean it.....

I'm head-banging and fist-pumping to Pink, Katy Perry, and a few other rockers. I watched a few videos from Pink and wish she was my best friend....

I think I'm secretly a rocker-chick. Oh, whatever would Steve think if he saw me now?

Ever Have One of Those Sundays??

Do you ever have one of those Sundays where EVERYTHING you hear at church seems directed at you? Every prayer, every talk, every lesson seems applicable to YOUR life? This was my Sunday.

Sacrament Meeting went well. Lately I've tried to make a conscious effort to concentrate on the Savior during the passing of the sacrament, and today, it just totally slipped my mind. When the deacons were returning the water trays, I remember thinking to myself, "Wait! I forgot! Can I have a do-over?"

Once the speakers started, I DID get my do-over. The first speaker talked about being Christ's hands and responding quickly to promptings. He talked about how we say our prayers praying for someone to help us and they come and DO help us, why can't we be the answer to someone else's prayer?

Then our choir sang one of my favorite songs, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." I sang with the choir, and before going up I warned my boys to be good....Jake followed us up onto the stand and then stood at the front and peeked over the edge. Nice, my son is the ward's entertainment.

The second talk was about forgiveness. I come from a long line of grudge holders, and have perfected this trait myself. In fact, I've been struggling lately, but I haven't really mentioned it here, but I will now, because I need some help and perspective to get past it.

About a month ago, on one of our many Family Home Evenings, I had a blow up with my step-grandma. She is constantly telling me what to do, and treating me like a little kid. She's not very nice about it, and acts like she's my mom and I'm an incapable child. Well, that night, she tried to tell me something (at the same time that my own mother was telling me the SAME thing) and I got frustrated. I've held in my true feelings for years. And unfortunately, I blew up. I yelled and screamed and basically acted like a baby. I told her that I was an adult, and that I did NOT need her to tell me what to do. I can take care of my own family and she didn't need to get in the middle of it.

Now, the message is one that she might need to hear (since she is a butt-insky and is always trying to micromanage everyone around her....) but my presentation was HORRIBLE! I felt terrible. I wanted to apologize to her for yelling, but not for my message. So after consulting with some friends, I decided to email her my apology, but tell her that I will not put up with her treatment of me anymore. I meant what I said, but that I felt bad about yelling and acting like a little kid.

That was the single most SCARIEST moment of my life. I did NOT want to hurt her feelings, but I felt like I needed to stand up for myself and let her know where I stood. A week went by...she had not responded. I felt like things were going to be okay, and she was just going to let this blow over. I was relieved that we were "okay."

Unfortunately that is NOT how it ended. By the end of the week she had sent me a very nasty email saying that I was a horrible mother and wife and that she needed to tell me what to do because I was so incapable of doing it on my own.

I was hurt and angry. (Truth be told, I'm STILL hurt and angry.)

I have not seen NOR spoken to her since then.....it's very odd, and I have guilt that she is keeping herself from the rest of my family because of me.

When I heard the forgiveness talk today I KNEW that it was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that it is time to forgive her and move on. I just don't know how....it's so hard to forgive someone who refuses to forgive me (yes, in the email she told me that she will NEVER forgive me....) and someone who treats me and my family so badly. (I've been thinking over and over at how she treats my sweet Cameron....and it brings Mama Bear out EVERY time.) Someone told me that I need to let go and stop stewing over her, especially when I haven't seen her or talked to her in such a long time. That it is Satan trying to get me into his nets.

I admit that I should, but I am SO good at holding grudges. I mean, I'm amazing at holding grudges.

All through his talk I felt the Spirit tell me, "You need to forgive her. Forgiveness will make you feel so much better and you know it."

I know I do, and so in the middle of that talk, I said a small prayer that I will be able to find a way to forgive her.

Sunday School was great as well. The teacher spoke of parables and how we need to change ourselves to be receptive to truths. (Hello, I must need to do a lot of changing, because forgiveness is one of my weaknesses....)

Relief Society was probably the place where I was touched the most. I will tell you, I love my ward. LOVE them. And I've been trying to sit in different parts of the room to get to know every body and to switch things up. I sat by one of my favorite people and settled in to enjoy the lesson. Our opening song was "As Sisters in Zion." Again, a hymn that I love and that means SO much to me. I didn't have a book, so I felt the power of the words coming through my heart. It was very special.

Then the lesson was about Charity. This is something I wish I had a better grasp of. Charity is something I wish that I had for everyone, but I've been learning that I am very judgmental and I don't love everyone the same way Christ does. I've been trying to change. It's started a while ago with my younger brother, who has made so many wrong choices. One day I commented that something he loves is for "weird people" and he chastened me by saying "no, it's for people who are judged...." I have been quick to judge first and not to love as quickly. I've tried to change this about myself, and can truly feel stronger love for my brother.

During the lesson today I realized, "Charity is the answer to your forgiveness.... You need to learn to love your step-grandma the way that Christ does. Not only do you need to find Charity in your heart for her, but you need to share this love with your husband and children. They are the ones who are most deserving of your love and understanding. Treat them ALL better and you will be happier."

I spent the remainder of the lesson in tears and being chastened by the Spirit. (The teacher didn't make the lesson out to be one where you feel bad, in fact, she did an amazing job! I just took the truths she was teaching and applied them to my situations.) The closing hymn in Relief Society was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's version of "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus." As I think back to that song, I'm tearing up. It was beautiful and so true....we need to" love one another as Jesus loves [us]. Try to show kindness in all that [we] do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught." It shouldn't be so hard, it should be simple and easy to follow in his footsteps.

I've tried applying these lessons into dealing with my children, and while I have fallen a few times (yes, I've failed a few times in the last few hours since church...) things are going SO well. My boys aren't going to turn to me immediately, but I believe that if I love them with the "pure love of Christ" then things will be better and I will be happier.

The best part of the day came after the closing prayer. My favorite lady, that I sat by, leaned over and said to me (while the tears were pouring down my cheeks...) "I want you to know, that whenever people mention 'Dawnyel,' I hear nothing but good things. You are so sweet and we all just love having you here." Could there not be a better way to end the day?

So many lessons learned in such a short amount of time. It's been a fantastic Sunday.

Confessions

Lately I've been feeling *off.* Nothing too drastic, but I am not liking myself much lately.

Today I stayed home with both boys and I couldn't stop yelling at them. Cameron kept acting like he was in charge, telling Jake AND me what to do. Then when I would correct him and tell him that I was the one in charge, he'd yell at me and then break down crying. Then Jake would get crabby and would start to bite or hit and I'd yell and scream for him to stop. Then HE would cry.

I didn't feel like cleaning up my house, but forced myself to at least vacuum, which caused stress and strife with the boys.

Then when I took a short break in the bathroom (yes, I hide in the bathroom, doesn't everyone?) I heard screaming, hitting, crying and then the door being hit.

I don't like myself when I'm grouchy with the boys. I don't like it when my house is a mess and I just don't know where to start. I don't like feeling helpless when the boys are pushing me to my limits. I don't like being this person I've been lately.

All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry...but I know I can't.

I need some uplifting thoughts and prayers.

Talents Hidden, Even BURIED Can and WILL Surface

Long ago, in a land FAR away....

Okay, so when I was younger (MUCH younger) I had a few talents. I am not saying that I was a genius or anything, but I had some talents: singing, dancing, reading...

I can play the piano.

There, I've said it....are you happy!?

The reason I don't share this "talent" is because it's been a VERY long time since I've played, and even when I DO play, I have to practice and practice to get it to sound nice. I didn't really enjoy piano lessons. Mostly because I *had* to play the piano and my aunt, who I love, and who taught me lessons, would get angry because I didn't practice. I took lessons from the time I was 7ish until I was 12. At 12, I was done, and I think my mother was done fighting me on that issue.

Once I quit taking lessons, I LOVED to play the piano. (Isn't that funny?) I never got REALLY good, but I managed.

I was asked to play for church functions, but whenever I did, I'd mess up. Like the time I played "I am a Child of God" for a young women's activity. I thought it was a fairly easy song to play, so I didn't practice it like I should have, and messed up when the time came to play it for the activity. My friend, who LOVES to tease me, laughed really hard at me, and even harder when I tripped over someone sitting on the floor. It gave me a mental block on playing for church things.

Anyway, for years I played and thoroughly LOVED to play in the private of my home. (It relieved a LOT of stress for me.)

Then I got too busy to play, and life kept going at it's QUICK pace....

In college, one of my friends took a singing class, and had to sing a solo. She asked me to play for her. I agreed, and never found the time to practice. Her time came to sing and she sounded FABULOUS, but I botched the song. The teacher's critiques at the end were all for ME. (I was humiliated!)

I got older, and eventually married. I have no piano in my home (although I'd LOVE to have one) and so I rarely play. I've gotten pretty rusty, and don't like to let other people even KNOW that I can play the piano.

Fast forward a few years....to last summer. I was at a women's retreat. At the end of the weekend, we were having a special "closing ceremonies" and the person in charge went around the WHOLE room (a large group of about 50 or 60 women) and asked for a volunteer to play a song. No one knew how.....except me. I practiced a little bit before we were to sing, and managed to stumble my way through the song, but I was embarrassed that I hadn't kept my talent going.

Fast forward yet again to this week. I was asked to substitute in Primary in a few weeks ON THE PIANO. (And I tried SO hard to NOT let people know I can play...) I am a SUCKER for people in need of a substitute, and generally say that I will do it. This one was difficult for me, but I said yes. Thankfully, she's giving me LOTS of time to practice, now I just need to actually DO it.

The lesson here, my friends: Talents WILL come out....so be prepared!

Not Feeling Motivated to Blog...

For the last few weeks I've had NO ONE comment on my posts, so I'm slowly losing interest in blogging. Maybe this year I'll quit all together. *shrug*

Black Friday....First Time in LINES!

I have been a scrooge in the past. I would avoid leaving my house on the Friday after Thanksgiving because it was Black Friday. It's because I'm a wimp, and I don't like big crowds. HATE them.

Then a few years ago, I found an item on a Black Friday ad that I just *HAD* to have! I woke up early, and went to Walmart. (Yes, the store that is open 24 hours a day.) All I had to do was walk INSIDE the nice, warm store, find my item (shrink-wrapped for my protection) and wait until the appointed hour of 5:00 am. Poof, magic, I was in and out of the check-out VERY fast, and home before 5:30.

I have NOT attempted to brave a Black Friday since.

I did find that I quite enjoyed the rush I felt getting my Christmas gifts at AMAZING prices, but I also realized that I quite value and enjoy my sleep.

This year, there is a special store that had their first door-busters at midnight. I ALSO found that they had the EXACT toy that I wanted to get my boys for Christmas. I also found that they were a FANTASTIC deal!!

I HAD to have the toys.

For those toys, I was willing to brave the wait in line.

I didn't realize that in order to get in and out quickly I should have waited in line in front of that store at 6:00 pm. No, seriously, there were people lined up THAT early!

Instead I took Steve's car and left home at 11:20...arriving AT the store at 11:30. I went to get in line.....um, that line ran from the front door, all the way down the parking lot to the main road, then turned toward the fast food restaurant at the opposite corner of the parking lot, then turned yet again toward a super-cool pet store. I had to wait in the MIDDLE of the parking lot. I put on my gloves, and waited. People came and waited in line behind me. I don't think I will ever see these women again, but we bonded. We bonded in that "we-stood-in-line-for-over-an-hour-in-the-freezing-cold-discussed-our-hopeful-purchases-and-helped-keep-the-mood-light-for-each-other" kind of way. Keeping a positive attitude while around these women was easy. For that, I'm grateful, because things could have turned ugly, fast.

At midnight we heard whooping and cheering at the front of the line, the doors were opened. The people who paid their dues by waiting for hours and hours were now INSIDE, the rest of us shuffled toward the front of the line at a snail's pace.

The lady who was next to me said, "We'll probably get up to the front, they'll cut us off and say, 'You can't come in.'" I plugged my ears and did the universal-sign for "I'm not hearing this, so you can't jinx me!"

After a half hour of walking slowly to the open doors, we were VERY close to the front of the line. We could see the doors and the employees who were guarding the sacred line, asking for anyone to turn in any "butt-ers." (To which we joked, "Who wants rolls?" Yes, it was dumb, but remember, we were freezing our brains off, and it was after midnight....brains turn OFF at midnight!) We joked about the toys we were getting and if the prices were REALLY worth standing out in the cold for. One lady said that if the toys we wanted were sold out that we could always tell the kids, "Sorry, but Santa lost the toys in the snow, watch for it to melt. You'll probably find it in the spring."

Soon, I was within 8 people of being IN the doors and IN the heated building. SO close! The spiky-haired-guard-of-an-employee stopped us and said that we'd have to wait at LEAST 20 minutes for the check-out line to get smaller. (DANG that jinx didn't work...) We could see the end of the check-out line....it was RIGHT by the front door. (No joke!) So we talked and stuck our hands and cold toes INSIDE the doors where the heat was blowing.

One woman, who was visiting her daughters from Washington, was freezing. She's not used to these cold Idaho nights, so I said, "If you promise to be good, I'll let you stand by me." (I was RIGHT at the door, I could feel, smell and TASTE the heat. She came up and said how cold her fingers were, I said that I could warm them up for her, she looked skeptical, but I really meant it. I held this poor woman's hand to warm up her fingers, and we laughed and giggled about how I was warm because I have extra padding (while I patted my belly and thighs.)

After a while of waiting AT the door, we slowly sneaked inside the front entrance, and waited between the front doors. It was nice and warm. Soon, we FILLED that little front room with lots of bodies.....as people began filling the room, we checked our watches. It had been 20 minutes. Some people began complaining, and I reminded them that the spiky-guard had said at LEAST 20 minutes....(some said it was giving her the benefit of the doubt...)

After another 20 minutes of waiting, people began to get impatient. And at the moment that things could have gone bad, who came to save us? Spiky-haired-guard-lady! She said she could let in 15!! I was one of the few chosen!!

Getting in was easy compared to FINDING things. It's not like they put the big sale items where you can find them, get in line and check out, they have to HIDE everything. I grabbed an employee quickly and she showed me where the toys I had been searching for were, then I decided to check on another toy that Cameron wanted. I'd found a good deal for THAT toy online, but it was the SAME price in the store, so I grabbed that as well. (Although, now that I'm home and checking the online deals, it's cheaper. But with the shipping, it really was less expensive to buy it in the store.) I also wanted something FUN for Jake, since I got something for Cameron, so I found another FUN toy and got in the check-out line, which started where I had entered the store.

An hour later, I was around the store and in a check-out line. Just as I was checking out, someone found a hidden stash of the Zhu-Zhu pets. PANDEMONIUM!! I watched grown women RUN to get these toys. I quickly paid for my stuff and LEFT!

As I was walking to Steve's car, which I had parked on the OPPOSITE side of the parking lot, I looked at the line, it was now visible from the front door. It only went halfway down the parking lot instead of all the way around it. I was happy to be out of there and WITH the things I had gone in for. I was leaving the store at 2:00 am, bag in hand, feet aching, but with a smile on my face.

Was it worth it? We'll find out on Christmas morning.

Oh, and honey, I parked the car right up front. I thought you'd like that. Can someone please find my brain now?

An Experiment in Baking Bread

Anyone who knows me could tell you that I do NOT bake. If forced to, I may, on occasion, bake cookies or cakes, but they have to be THE easiest recipes. I am not good at it, nor do I particularly LOVE it. I only put up with it because I love to EAT.

Lately, I've been inspired by some friends who have been making their own food (bread, chili, cakes, suckers, treats of all kinds). I've felt like if I had lived in pioneer times my poor family would have starved, just because I dislike baking and cooking SO much. But, because of these friends, I've decided to try doing just a little bit more. I mean, making my home and family happy is my job as a stay at home mom, right?

So today I got up the guts to make my own bread. I have NEVER made my own bread before (except in a bread maker, but that doesn't really count, does it?) I've tried rolls and cinnamon rolls, but they never seem to taste as good as they do when other people make them. NO more leaning on other people's successes for me; I'm going to be a *real* woman.

After a quick call to my mom (who ended up talking to me for a while, putting me off of the schedule I had planned...no biggie, I love my mom and we can talk about nothing for a LONG time...) I got some courage and decided to try.

Instead of following a big elaborate recipe, which would NOT be me....I decided to take a recipe I've already used in the past (for cinnamon rolls) and try to turn it into a bread recipe. It's actually a roll recipe, but how different can rolls and bread be?

I followed the simple instructions (and ended up with dough clear up to my elbows....) I put the dough in my two bread pans, let it raise and right now they're in the oven.

Oh, it smells delightful.

The tops aren't pretty, but I'm hoping the end result will be a happy, and filled tummy.

Results to follow shortly....If it tastes as good as it smells, I will share the recipe....then you too can feel domestic! ;)(Recipe....)

After Dinner Rolls

1/2 cup warm water

1/2 cup sugar (it was a LITTLE much, next time I'm only using 1/4 cup)

3 Tbs. yeast (Saf Instant is BEST!)

2 eggs, beaten

1 can evaporated milk (12 oz.)

1/8 tsp. salt

5-6 cups flour

1 cup boiling water

Mix together. Form into balls and place on baking sheet and let raise. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes.

To make bread, follow the directions for rolls, except place half the dough (formed in a ball) into two bread pans (one batch makes two loaves). Bake at 350 degrees for 40 minutes.

Echo......Anyone there?

So I realize that I'm a horrible blog-reader/blog-commenter. This is not news to me. (I didn't always have this problem...it's a fairly recent thing....you know, since we had our computer die on us.)

But I have very little comments, and I'm feeling a little sad. :(

Maybe if I tell a funny anecdote then I will get the comments I crave.

Yesterday, I was in church with Steve and the boys. This IS news, usually Steve is working, or sleeping from working all night. It's actually really nice to have the man WITH me at church.

ANYWAY...

I had my first post-partum visit from my aunt. Yes, THAT aunt. Anyway, I really really wanted to wear my cute khaki skirt to church, and even thought for a MINUTE that it probably would be best for me to wait until next week, but I quickly dismissed this thought, thinking I had some protection, I was covered....

Well...

Just as sacrament meeting was ending, a kind friend, (you know who you are....THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!!!) leaned over and told me that I had a red spot on my skirt. I was MORTIFIED. I knew it was a possibility, but I didn't think it would happen.

Here's WHY I didn't think this would happen: I happen to subscribe to the bigger the better when it comes to protecting myself. I happen to wear (on a normal day) the Super Deluxe Over Night Maximum Extra protection. It is so long, that it covers EVERYTHING....well, I *thought* it did.

Apparently there was ONE spot...ONE....that wasn't quite covered.

I quickly handed off Jake to Steve and made a mad dash for home. Thankfully we only live around the corner from our church building, and we DROVE that day. I ran into the house and quickly changed into the navy skirt I SHOULD have worn to begin with.

*Note to Self: Don't wear light colored clothing if you KNOW your Auntie is visiting!*

Uninspired?

Things are happening in my life, but I just don't feel the inspiration to write them. UGH! It's so bad that I don't know what to write to my little brother in my weekly emails to him.

I guess no inspiration is better than BAD inspiration, right?!

Anyone got something to inspire me? A topic you're curious about, maybe?

Wishing I was Creative Right About Now....

Scouts for tomorrow is cancelled....why, you ask?? Well, the "official" reason is because my partner can't be there, so I don't want to have to find a sub or do it myself. The real reason? I've got NO good ideas on what to do with rambunctious boys for an hour.

Our themes for scouts are off, but just a bit....We're doing January's theme: Cub Scout Car Show. Yes, I realize that we don't HAVE to follow the themes for den meetings, but it's SO much easier for me if we do. My problem is that I have no good ideas. We are having our Pinewood Derby at the end of the month for Pack meeting, but that's the ONLY thing that's really set in stone.

Not only this, but I really have very little going on in my life that isn't scheduled. I feel like I'm in a rut. Yes, that rut will be changing soon, but I'm just getting tired of the same ol', same ol'....

The little boy I babysit is even showing me that he's tired of doing nothing as well. The poor kid has a box of toys that I let him play with downstairs, but I refuse to take him into Cam's room while Cam's at school. He lights up whenever anyone pays him attention, because, honestly, I'm very good at ignoring his whines and complaints.

I'm having problems figuring out a decent color scheme for my blog. Right now, I think the orange is a tad too much....why can't I have a cute blog?!

Maybe it's just a bad day....maybe I'm a lousy person.....maybe I just need to get creative! :P

Hi, My name is Dawnyel, and I'm a Junkie....

....an America's Next Top Model junkie.

All week I've been watching a FULL OUT marathon of all NINE seasons of the show. It's going 24/7, and I just can't stop sometimes!!

Sadly, I've seen most of the seasons all the way through, missing one or two shows here and there, so I pretty much know when a season starts WHO will win, but I like to see her transformation and HOW she gets to the top.

My husband thinks it's dumb. He tells me that it promotes poor self-esteem. But come on, I'm NOT comparing myself to any of these girls, I just like to watch and think about how young and stupid I used to be.....

*SIGH*

Is there an anonymous group I can report to??