Sadness

Tonight I found out that my great-aunt-step-grandma died. This woman started out as my great-aunt, then after her husband and my great-grandma died, she married my great-grandpa (who had been her brother-in-law.) They were married for about 10 years before my great-grandpa died.

This April she turned 100 years old. She was quite the amazing little lady. She was spry and full of life up until the end. I remember at one family reunion about 10 years ago, they called her to come up on the stage at the church we were at. Instead of going to the stairs, like any other person in her age-group would, she climbed up the front of the stage, jumping up onto the stage. She was 88 years old then. I remember commenting to my mom that I wished I could grow up to be like her.

At her 100th birthday party this year, I went to visit with her and her family. When I went in the house to give her a hug, she said, "Now, you're Dawnyel, right?" How amazing is that? I mean, she wasn't even my grandma, but she KNEW me.

She was cute and truly amazing. She will definitely be missed! Love you, Grandma-Miriam!

Confessions

Lately I've been feeling *off.* Nothing too drastic, but I am not liking myself much lately.

Today I stayed home with both boys and I couldn't stop yelling at them. Cameron kept acting like he was in charge, telling Jake AND me what to do. Then when I would correct him and tell him that I was the one in charge, he'd yell at me and then break down crying. Then Jake would get crabby and would start to bite or hit and I'd yell and scream for him to stop. Then HE would cry.

I didn't feel like cleaning up my house, but forced myself to at least vacuum, which caused stress and strife with the boys.

Then when I took a short break in the bathroom (yes, I hide in the bathroom, doesn't everyone?) I heard screaming, hitting, crying and then the door being hit.

I don't like myself when I'm grouchy with the boys. I don't like it when my house is a mess and I just don't know where to start. I don't like feeling helpless when the boys are pushing me to my limits. I don't like being this person I've been lately.

All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry...but I know I can't.

I need some uplifting thoughts and prayers.

Birthdays and Sadness....

Today was my 30th birthday. It was VERY enjoyable, and I had a great day, despite the fact that I was beginning to FEEL old. :P

My brothers think it's funny to glob the candles together so the flame is HUGE.

Steve gave me some earrings and Rascal Flatts new CD. Cameron wished me a happy birthday as SOON as he woke up. And my parents gave me some clothes and a dinner out. It was a GREAT day!

Then tonight I learned a good friend died this morning after battling brain cancer for MANY years. He just became a daddy a few months ago, and the last time I saw him he gave me a HUGE smile, dispite his many pains.

Love you, Jenn!! My prayers are with you and your daughter tonight!

Hug Your Kids

AND never let them go!!

The only other comment I have is that I'm so impressed with how at peace and calm Steve and Mindy were. I admire them and their family VERY much!

What I've Heard...

How small the world seems sometimes....

One of my other online friends is the aunt to the little boy I mentioned in my last post. Here's what she said happened.

He was having breathing issues on Sunday, and his parents took him to the hospital. I guess every time he fell asleep he stopped breathing. They were in the process of putting the little boy in a coma to transport him to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake when he died. It was very unexpected and sudden.

I've just had such a broken heart over this all week long. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose one of my kids. (I'm glad I can't imagine it....) Every time I even think about my friends I stop and pray for their comfort and strength.

I'm still heartbroken, but I will try to help them any way I can. The funeral is tomorrow.

Sad....SO Sad...

I just found out a friend of mine lost one of her twin sons yesterday. I don't know the details yet, but I'm devastated!! He was 3 and would have turned 4 in March.

My heart goes out to my friends. :(

(Anyone who knows Mindy or Steve Hansen....it was Joshua.)

Shock

My Gramma Sue just came to my mom's house to update us on the family drama.

My cousin's boyfriend, her baby's dad, died today. He was only 20! He's been involved in fights with his brother and had broken several bones and was in severe pain. From what I understand he overdosed on hydrocodone. He was living in my aunt's basement.

My poor cousin and her baby. I feel SO bad for them.

Why do the young have to be so headstrong and stupid? I know I could easily fall into the "stupid" category, but I like to think that I've learned a FEW things in the last several years.

I'm just in shock!

The Hardest Part

With Grandma gone things have been going nonstop. We're trying to get things put together for her funeral tomorrow. I was recruited to pull together a slide show of pictures of Grandma for the viewing tonight, my mom and her sisters have been practicing their singing for the funeral, my brother-in-law and sister have been typing up the funeral program. We're getting exhausted!

These things we're doing for the funeral really aren't that hard though. The hardest part in all of this is my Grandpa. He has Alzheimer's and can't figure out why Grandma isn't around. The family has had to tell him over and over that she's died and try to console him. The problem is that he forgets that he's been told and can't understand why he can't remember. We have been showing him that picture I had posted on my last entry where he's crying next to Grandma's body....it tears him up to see himself, but not remember being there. He's in a constant state of shock.

We've tried to get his mind distracted by asking him questions about when he was younger, but sometimes....and only sometimes....he refuses to be distracted.

Losing Grandma is something I've come to terms with. I still miss her laugh and her sense of humor, but seeing my Grandpa lose his wife time after time is hard!

Circle of Life

This past weekend was quite a busy one for my family. It all started on Thursday when we realized that my Grandma F was WAY worse than anyone thought so soon. My mom called all of her siblings and encouraged them to come here to say goodbye as quickly as possible. Several left immediately and drove through the night to be here.

On Friday things started going even faster. My poor Grandpa F, who has severe short-term memory loss, couldn't understand why there was a hospital bed in his living room, or why all of his kids had come to visit when he hadn't planned on them coming. He also said over and over that he didn't know Grandma was SO sick.

Saturday morning I got a phone call from my mom. The hospice nurse had come in to check on Grandma and said that she was "actively dying." My mom said she wasn't planning on leaving and wanted me to call my sister and let her know what was going on. All throughout Saturday we got phone call after phone call that Grandma wouldn't last an hour, so we crowded into her tiny home so that we could be with her. My aunts and uncles started singing some of Grandma's favorite church hymns and almost instantly her dropping stats would rise.

We went through the cycle over and over. Tears, saying how much we love Grandma, singing, dispersing, laughing, telling stories, tears.

That night we stayed until late. Steve and I have been planning to bless Jacob in church and decided that no matter what we would follow through with the plan. The only change was the after-blessing luncheon was moved to Grandma's backyard.

Sunday morning we got things ready and went to church. All of us that went (which, with the number of extra aunts and uncles in town was quite a large number) took our cell phones with us....set on vibrate, of course.

Steve gave Jacob a beautiful blessing, and even got our nephew Jayden blessed. We had the sacrament and we'd started in on testimony meeting. I knew that things may move quickly, so I quickly got up and bore my simple testimony. Soon after sitting down, my brothers, mom and dad got up and left, whispering to other family members what was going on. My sister came over and told us that Grandma had breathed her last breath. Half of the congregation got up and walked out. (Anyone who was in my ward and saw our mass exodus, I hope you weren't offended....)

Steve and I hurried to Grandma's house where all of the male relatives were outside crying. Grandma had died around the time we had blessed Jake.
I was told that the women were dressing Grandma, and I was told I could go inside.

I'll never forget the look of loss on my poor Grandpa's face. He knew, absolutely, that his beloved Mona 'Dean was gone and he looked like he would be lost.

We dressed Grandma in her pretty pink dress and the younger granddaughters placed beautiful roses around Grandma.

It was a busy, sad, peaceful day. But I am truly grateful that I know that my Grandma's spirit is still alive and that she is now where my sweet Jacob dreams of.

She's Sick...

And I'm not quite sure how I feel yet.

My mom called me today in tears. Her mom's doctor's office had called her to tell her that they found an aggressive, fast-growing cancer in her mother. They're doing as many tests as they can, but the first concern was getting Grandma under control. (I guess she's been super sick for days...throwing up and just feeling miserable.)

They've found tumors in her lungs, liver and colon. To me, it sounds like the NF1 at work.

Grandma just turned 74 on Fathers' Day. I've already lost one Grandmother to cancer...I don't know if I can handle losing another the same way.

Babies Having Babies

While watching tonight's newscast, I was in SHOCK!! According to the news a 10-year old girl gave birth this last weekend to a baby. A BABY!! TEN YEARS OLD!! I'm absolutely mortified!!

I guess a man had raped the poor girl and he's going to court next week. But I feel awful for that little girl. And yes, even though she had a baby, she's STILL a little girl!!

I'm just sad, mortified and upset. How can this happen!?

In the Air

This weekend my little sister and her husband came for a visit. While they were here they announced that they are expecting. I think my sister wanted a bigger reaction to the news, but we've all been hoping for this for so long that it was a pleasant surprise instead of instant shock.

She's due in September and so far has had no morning sickness. Am I a bad sister to wish that she experience what I had??

I'm excited and pray that all goes well for her! :)

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While she was here we went to let my grandparents know the happy news, and I'm getting sad about the fact that my grandpa's memory is gone. We were there for an hour and a half, and in that time he asked me multiple times if I was pregnant. (Which they've known for a while!) I'm pretty sure the poor man has alzheimers, and I'm sad to see that change. Looking in his eyes I could see a child-like innocence.

Thankfully, he's not gotten agressive with us, but he's not so nice to my grandma. I worry about them!

Gordon B. Hinckley 1910-2008

He was a great man, who influenced me for good many times.

There were 2 times when I was directly in his presence, and both times I felt the confirmation that he is truly a prophet of God. The first time he was teeny tiny (I was on the top balcony of the Conference center) and I remember the silence that filled that hall when he entered. I then remember the sweet feeling that brought me to tears. Then, in his sweet way, he took his cane and motioned for us to stop standing for him and to sit. We all giggled.

I love him, and will miss him, but I also know that he's very happy with his sweetheart tonight! What a sweet scene that must be!

He died around 7:00 pm surrounded by his family at the age of 97. I love you, President Hinckley!

Sorrow

A great man has died, and I'm very heart-broken over it. You can read more about it here if you want to.

I always loved to hear President Faust's stories and funny jokes. His testimony was SO strong, and just listening to him you could feel it. I saw him in person a little over a year ago, and he was so frail, but his soul was strong.

He was a wonderful person, and I will sorely miss him!