Is It REALLY So Easy to Change?

New Year almost always equals new resolutions. Some may want a hot new bod, some want to be more frugal, others want to give more of themselves....Me? I want to be a better mommy and wife to those I see every day.

I will admit, I'm an angry person. When my kids do things they're not supposed to, I yell and lecture them. When I need them to do something, I usually yell it at them, or plead over and over....and then I get no results so I resort to yelling at them because I'm angry.

I'm SO tired of it.

Being angry so often is exhausting.

My resolution WILL happen...it must. I want a happy home. I want to be able to tell my kids things and have them obey quickly and happily.

So far today, I've already yelled at the boys (they woke up WAY too early, and fought for an hour, all the while banging and throwing things around and screaming and yelling...) BUT I've also tried to stay calm and talk to them instead of lecturing. I must learn to pick my fights well. I need to let the little stuff go and focus on the big picture.

I can do this....I MUST!

A Work in Progress

Lately I have not felt like myself. I'm grumpy and angry at the drop of a hat. Yesterday was no exception.

I woke up early to watch the 9/11 things on TV (I am a 9/11 junkie, I watch so many shows about it and absolutely cannot get enough...) I was SO tired, neither of my boys went to sleep the night before until well after 10:30, and I was grumpy with having to deal with them all by myself.

Anyway, I laid on our comfy couch, snuggled under a blanket, and watched the show. A little ways into the show, the boys woke up. It was 7:00, and the boys were WIDE awake. I was still groggy and tired...even a little emotional, because of the 9/11 stuff, and they were needing a mommy.

I will admit, mornings are NOT my thing. I am a night-owl to the core. My boys, however, are early risers. Jake's justification to me has always been, "Mom, the sun is UP!" Yes, son, I know the sun is up, but that doesn't mean I have to be up.

So the boys are getting rowdy and I'm getting grumpier and grumpier.

Finally, I'd had it. I grabbed Jake, and took him upstairs. I was DETERMINED that he was going to get more sleep. (Anytime Cam would touch him, he'd whine and cry....I KNOW the boy was tired, he just didn't know it himself.)

I quickly fell back to sleep, but Jake did not. He laid in my bed for an hour. Finally he'd had enough, and wiggled and hit and kicked. He wanted out.

Anyway, I got upset, and so did Steve. At one point, Steve said, "FINE! I'll get up with the boys..."

Look, DUDE! I have been dealing with these children of yours all by myself for a VERY long time, and I have been awake with them, but this child needs more sleep.

If only I'd said that, right??

Instead, I got up with the wiggle-worm and went back downstairs where I got grumpier and grumpier.

Finally I decided that it was time for baths and took the boys upstairs to get ready for church. Generally, Jake goes first, because I can have him done REALLY fast, and dressed before Cam is even finished washing his hair.

I'm not even sure what exactly happened next, but Steve said something that set me off. I was looking through the clothes to get Jake dressed, and I had only found the boy's shirt and vest. I was in the midst of looking for his pants when Steve said whatever it was he said. I had it.....and I said so. I threw the clothes at Steve and said, "FINE! You get them (meaning the boys) I am DONE!"

Then I didn't look back...I went downstairs and took a time-out on my couch. I let Steve have FULL care of the boys.

When the boys came down, they were treading carefully. Jake came over and patted my knee. I did NOT move. Cameron looked like he wanted to ask me something, but he didn't. I just sat in my time-out and said NOTHING!

Then I realized something....the boys got dressed just fine without me harping on them for every little thing. They were happy, and I wasn't micro-managing every little thing.

At this point I realized: "The house is happier when we don't get angry and yell....it's best when I am quiet and listen."

Yes, a realization I should have had YEARS ago.....I have tried to be quieter since then, but I still have old habits that I need to break.....but I can do this. I can. I want a happier home and I'm sure my boys do too.

Ever Have One of Those Sundays??

Do you ever have one of those Sundays where EVERYTHING you hear at church seems directed at you? Every prayer, every talk, every lesson seems applicable to YOUR life? This was my Sunday.

Sacrament Meeting went well. Lately I've tried to make a conscious effort to concentrate on the Savior during the passing of the sacrament, and today, it just totally slipped my mind. When the deacons were returning the water trays, I remember thinking to myself, "Wait! I forgot! Can I have a do-over?"

Once the speakers started, I DID get my do-over. The first speaker talked about being Christ's hands and responding quickly to promptings. He talked about how we say our prayers praying for someone to help us and they come and DO help us, why can't we be the answer to someone else's prayer?

Then our choir sang one of my favorite songs, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." I sang with the choir, and before going up I warned my boys to be good....Jake followed us up onto the stand and then stood at the front and peeked over the edge. Nice, my son is the ward's entertainment.

The second talk was about forgiveness. I come from a long line of grudge holders, and have perfected this trait myself. In fact, I've been struggling lately, but I haven't really mentioned it here, but I will now, because I need some help and perspective to get past it.

About a month ago, on one of our many Family Home Evenings, I had a blow up with my step-grandma. She is constantly telling me what to do, and treating me like a little kid. She's not very nice about it, and acts like she's my mom and I'm an incapable child. Well, that night, she tried to tell me something (at the same time that my own mother was telling me the SAME thing) and I got frustrated. I've held in my true feelings for years. And unfortunately, I blew up. I yelled and screamed and basically acted like a baby. I told her that I was an adult, and that I did NOT need her to tell me what to do. I can take care of my own family and she didn't need to get in the middle of it.

Now, the message is one that she might need to hear (since she is a butt-insky and is always trying to micromanage everyone around her....) but my presentation was HORRIBLE! I felt terrible. I wanted to apologize to her for yelling, but not for my message. So after consulting with some friends, I decided to email her my apology, but tell her that I will not put up with her treatment of me anymore. I meant what I said, but that I felt bad about yelling and acting like a little kid.

That was the single most SCARIEST moment of my life. I did NOT want to hurt her feelings, but I felt like I needed to stand up for myself and let her know where I stood. A week went by...she had not responded. I felt like things were going to be okay, and she was just going to let this blow over. I was relieved that we were "okay."

Unfortunately that is NOT how it ended. By the end of the week she had sent me a very nasty email saying that I was a horrible mother and wife and that she needed to tell me what to do because I was so incapable of doing it on my own.

I was hurt and angry. (Truth be told, I'm STILL hurt and angry.)

I have not seen NOR spoken to her since then.....it's very odd, and I have guilt that she is keeping herself from the rest of my family because of me.

When I heard the forgiveness talk today I KNEW that it was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that it is time to forgive her and move on. I just don't know how....it's so hard to forgive someone who refuses to forgive me (yes, in the email she told me that she will NEVER forgive me....) and someone who treats me and my family so badly. (I've been thinking over and over at how she treats my sweet Cameron....and it brings Mama Bear out EVERY time.) Someone told me that I need to let go and stop stewing over her, especially when I haven't seen her or talked to her in such a long time. That it is Satan trying to get me into his nets.

I admit that I should, but I am SO good at holding grudges. I mean, I'm amazing at holding grudges.

All through his talk I felt the Spirit tell me, "You need to forgive her. Forgiveness will make you feel so much better and you know it."

I know I do, and so in the middle of that talk, I said a small prayer that I will be able to find a way to forgive her.

Sunday School was great as well. The teacher spoke of parables and how we need to change ourselves to be receptive to truths. (Hello, I must need to do a lot of changing, because forgiveness is one of my weaknesses....)

Relief Society was probably the place where I was touched the most. I will tell you, I love my ward. LOVE them. And I've been trying to sit in different parts of the room to get to know every body and to switch things up. I sat by one of my favorite people and settled in to enjoy the lesson. Our opening song was "As Sisters in Zion." Again, a hymn that I love and that means SO much to me. I didn't have a book, so I felt the power of the words coming through my heart. It was very special.

Then the lesson was about Charity. This is something I wish I had a better grasp of. Charity is something I wish that I had for everyone, but I've been learning that I am very judgmental and I don't love everyone the same way Christ does. I've been trying to change. It's started a while ago with my younger brother, who has made so many wrong choices. One day I commented that something he loves is for "weird people" and he chastened me by saying "no, it's for people who are judged...." I have been quick to judge first and not to love as quickly. I've tried to change this about myself, and can truly feel stronger love for my brother.

During the lesson today I realized, "Charity is the answer to your forgiveness.... You need to learn to love your step-grandma the way that Christ does. Not only do you need to find Charity in your heart for her, but you need to share this love with your husband and children. They are the ones who are most deserving of your love and understanding. Treat them ALL better and you will be happier."

I spent the remainder of the lesson in tears and being chastened by the Spirit. (The teacher didn't make the lesson out to be one where you feel bad, in fact, she did an amazing job! I just took the truths she was teaching and applied them to my situations.) The closing hymn in Relief Society was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's version of "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus." As I think back to that song, I'm tearing up. It was beautiful and so true....we need to" love one another as Jesus loves [us]. Try to show kindness in all that [we] do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught." It shouldn't be so hard, it should be simple and easy to follow in his footsteps.

I've tried applying these lessons into dealing with my children, and while I have fallen a few times (yes, I've failed a few times in the last few hours since church...) things are going SO well. My boys aren't going to turn to me immediately, but I believe that if I love them with the "pure love of Christ" then things will be better and I will be happier.

The best part of the day came after the closing prayer. My favorite lady, that I sat by, leaned over and said to me (while the tears were pouring down my cheeks...) "I want you to know, that whenever people mention 'Dawnyel,' I hear nothing but good things. You are so sweet and we all just love having you here." Could there not be a better way to end the day?

So many lessons learned in such a short amount of time. It's been a fantastic Sunday.

Inspiration

My boys have been at one another all day long. Why do we HAVE to celebrate dead presidents anyway??

I've been slowly going a bit crazy. I walked past their hole of a bedroom and about lost it, then I thought, "Let's make this a game...."

I came into the living room and said, "Okay guys, I need you to do something for me...as FAST as you can....go upstairs and throw ALL the toys into the toy box...on your mark, get set.....GO!" Both boys were off. Within a few minutes they came back wanting more....

Work doesn't have to be hard...it can be fun too. :)

Remembering I'm In Holland and Not Italy, Yet Again

Last night, I came across a documentary on PBS called I'm an Artist. I was hooked from the moment I found that show. It's about a school in New Jersey for special needs kids of all different levels, ages...and their preparation for an art show. The teachers were loving to each of the students and encouraged them to show their creativity. The art teacher's saying was, "There is no right or wrong in art." You could tell that the kids truly believed it and they created the most BEAUTIFUL pieces of art I think I've seen.

The kids on the show reminded me of my sweet Cameron. The teachers reminded me of the wonderful teachers that he's had over the years. Then it hit me: Cameron IS a special needs kid. (Yeah, it's not something that I've EVER really let sink in....) For his whole life, we've treated him like he was a kid who would catch up to his peers eventually...a typical kid. We've been rough on him, but only because we felt it best to train him the way you'd train a typical child. Here's what I realized: I need to treat him like the special needs kid he is.

I was reminded over and over of the story I posted on here a while back about going on a trip to Italy, but finding yourself in Holland instead. I've always treated Cam as if he would one day "snap out of it" or he'd suddenly "catch up." It's been recently that I've realized that Cam might not (probably won't) ever catch up. He may never be the kid I'd hoped he'd be, and I need to treat him accordingly.

I think treating him like a typical kid is beyond his level of skill, so I think treating him with extra patience and kindness and showing him that no matter what he does, it's still beautiful will go a LONG way.

Not So Innocent

Jake has been saying a little phrase over and over for months. He KNOWS what it means....and has learned to use this to his advantage.

Whenever an accident happens, the boy says "Oops!" (Almost sounds like he's saying "Iips," but still cute.) He drops a toy, "Oops!" He can't find his boots, "Oops!"

It's a very commonly used phrase.

Today, I've learned something that his little mind has figured out LONG ago. If he says the beloved phrase, he gets a free-pass.

Let me explain: Today we were waiting for Cameron at one of his therapies. This particular facility has a mini play-room and it is one of Jake's FAVORITE places to go. There's a little table and chairs and books and even colored pencils and a coloring book. He LOVES it.

One of the mini chairs was being used to hold open the door and Jake decided that he NEEDED that chair to sit on. He pulled it away from the door, causing the opened door to slam shut. "Oops." I grinned at him and said, "Yes, that was an accident."

Then he purposefully pushed the chair end over end so that it was upside-down on the floor. "Oops!"

"Oops," my butt!! You did that on purpose you little fink!! But you knew if you said "Oops" that I would grin and let you get away with it, right?

Soon after the chair, he was ripping pages from the coloring book. I kept telling him, "That's enough, no more ripping the pages out!"

After 5 pages, and 5 exclamations of "oops" I took the book away and said, "Pick up the ripped papers, we make a mess, we clean it up!" He looked at me, and then he looked at the pile of papers and began doing his typical Mexican hat dance on the pages. That's when the mommy voice came out. "JAKE! Pick UP the papers, NOW!"

He picked them up and as I held out my hand for him to put the papers in he threw the paper (again, totally ON purpose) over my hand. "OOPS!"

I guess the cute-ness is wearing thin. The kid's true colors are showing through.

And Now It's Story Time

My friend, Sketchy, sent me a BEAUTIFUL story that I've heard before, but want to share. I feel very fortunate to have my different little boy, but there are DEFINITELY days where I wish I was in Italy. (By the way, I don't know who wrote this story, so I apologize now for not telling you who the author is.)

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"Welcome to Holland"

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this.......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.

"But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandt.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But.... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

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I want to shake this person's hand and thank them for putting this SO beautifully. It truly is amazing to have a child with differences. Maybe part of MY learning experience from having my son is learning to put aside those dreams that I thought were mine, and dream of what I have. I think that's something I will work harder on: finding peace and happiness in the life I DO have, instead of mourning the life that isn't mine to live. Sure there will be bumps along the way, but I will get up, and will try again!

I YAM Who I YAM!!

While at this retreat this last weekend, I met many online friends. (Okay, so it was an ALL online friend meet-up.) The thing is that I was voted the one who "Was exactly like we thought you would be." I guess that's either a comfort to you, or utter fear, but what it boils down to is that I represent who I am online VERY well.

The fun thing about meeting up with these women is the feeling that we already knew one another. We didn't have to sit and say, "Okay, so my name is Dawnyel, and I have weird quirks." These women ALREADY knew!! So when I wore my bra on my head, they didn't care!! ;) It's nice to finally know who I am, and not worry that I won't be loved for being me! No, this is NOT my bra.....but I thought it would be hilarious to put it where it would do the most "coverage...." IF you know what I'm talking about! ;)

I'm SO Glad I'm a Grown Up!

It's interesting the people we run into and have conversations with....

Case in point: I went on a fun "date" with Steve to the Temple. It had been closed for weeks, and we'd heard about the new updates and we were anxious to see them for ourselves (they're GORGEOUS, by the way...)

While on my way to the dressing room, I ran into my old high school science teacher, Miss Jordan.

When I had Miss Jordan, I was a self-centered, snobby teen. To my mind, Miss Jordan was a million years old, and would NEVER change her ways. She was known for wearing a bun (ALWAYS) and for wearing her springy key-ring around her upper arm. And she was a "Miss." She taught school FOREVER, had a very monotone voice (for a woman) and was VERY particular with our assignments. We had to fold our assignments lengthwise, and write our name and class period on the OUTSIDE of the paper. Her love in science was with ROCKS! The woman would lecture forEVER on rocks, tectonic plates, and the different layers of the Earth. Yes, I have many memories of this woman...none of them are happy or with me being very kind to her.

Back to today, she stopped and looked at me, and I kindly said, "Hi, you probably don't remember me, but you taught me a LONG time ago." She smiled, her wrinkly smile, and said, "You look familiar...."

We went on to talk for a few minutes. It was a VERY nice time. This woman, who I was so RUDE to, was interested in my life. She asked about my family, and even, get this one, JOKED with me!!

I guess time is a good thing....and I'm so glad that people don't hold my past against me! (I'm afraid I would have NO friends if that was the case!)

Like Mother, Like Daughter

The older I get, the more I realize that I am slowly becoming my mother. When I was younger if someone had told me that one day I would be just like her I would have gone to my room brooding and being angry for a long time, but now it's not so bad!
There are several ways I'm becoming like her, first off are the sayings we use. When I was younger I remember that my mom always said WEIRD things. She would say, "I can NEVER have nice things." Or the famous, "Just wait until your dad gets home!" She would always curse us with, "One day you'll have kids that treat you the same way that you treat me, and then you'll understand." There was a time when I thought that these comments were uncalled for and that she was just rambling....but guess what...I now say these things and I understand where she was coming from when she uttered them....She was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. The one phrase that I find myself using a lot is the famous, "Just wait until your dad gets home!" When I was told this, I would immediately freak out and hope she'd forget...I feared my dad. When I utter this to Cam, he simply nods his head and carries on in what he was doing. He has no fear of his father. It's sad that this SAME phrase, uttered in the same exasperated tone of voice has such different responses.
The other way that I'm becoming my mother is the fact that I need quiet time daily. When I was younger she'd gather all of us into the living room (I'm the oldest of 6...so there were lots of bodies sprawled out all over) and she'd turn on a quiet cartoon (usually the Flintstones or Tom and Jerry) and she'd conk out and insist that we'd either nap or quietly watch cartoons. I LOVE that tradition that I'm carrying on with...the only problem is I cannot get Cam to realize that this is a GOOD thing! The little girl I babysit EASILY realizes the brilliance of this plan and will sleep for me for a good hour to an hour and a half. Cam on the other hand is a pill!! I'll turn on cartoons and turn the volume WAY down to where he can barely hear it, and I will fall into my beloved nappy time! All the while Cam is roaming the house trying to find something to keep him occupied and entertained. The boy just won't obey me!
And finally...the way I'm morphing into my mother is the fact that we both have the same warped sense of humor and sense of justice in the world. We both laugh at the same STRANGE things...both get angry at the same things....and we both realize now that the only thing a mother ever truly wants in her life is peace and silence!
I love my mom. She and I are a lot alike, but it took us many years, many hours of crying, many hurt feelings, and many arguments to get to this point. I love her and I'm glad that I grew up to be JUST LIKE HER! (Happy my birthday to my mommy! After all, she is the one who made me possible!)