My Infertility Struggle

My dear friend, Lei, has asked me to participate in her Woman to Woman discussion on infertility and recurrent loss. Now, I can't really talk much about recurrent loss, since I've only had 3 pregnancies, with one loss. But infertility, that's something I know.

When you're in the throes of not making a baby life revolves around your cycle. You're in one of these phases, AT ALL TIMES: disappointment (af is here), hope (beginning of new cycle...there's hope, right?), exhaustion (from trying to MAKE the baby), waiting forever (seeing if all your hard work really paid off), and finally fear/frustration/anxiety. You think PMS is bad?? Try living this cycle NON-STOP!! There are months where I felt like just giving up. I would think, "I should be grateful, especially where I have a child." Heck, you really couldn't consider me infertile if you knew that, right?? But secondary infertility is painful too. I can't say that it's the SAME pain as regular infertility, but it DOES hurt.

I know of someone who, like me, had SI, and when she went online to find support groups for infertility, she was shunned when it was revealed that she had a child. WHAT? Can we not all feel that pain of wanting something we DON'T have? The pain is there, whether you have one child, or none!

There were times when I felt betrayed by my body. How is it that a teen-ager, with NO hopes of becoming a mother, can sleep with her boyfriend once and get pregnant and I, an adult woman, married with a stable life, tries for YEARS and gets nothing? In those times I'd just cry and blame my body. It was letting me down, and I HATED myself for it!

During that time I even had irrational fears....I feared home pregnancy tests. Yes, in the 5 and a half years it took us to get THIS baby, I probably peed on 60 sticks and every time it was a bfn (big fat negative.) That was probably the hardest part of my own struggle, seeing one line!

The other hard parts came when my friends and family would get pregnant and announce it. Having a child is a miracle no matter who it happens to, and how fertile or infertile they are. It SHOULD be celebrated, but when you're in the cycle of pity, it's hard to feel the same excitement that others around you are feeling. Those nights I would go to bed crying and WISHING that I, too, could have that blessing! Why was my body doing this to me? It hurt SO badly!!

It really hurt when no one around me understood my feelings. I *thought* my husband would understand, but his feelings were VERY different from my own. My thoughts were: "Why is this not working?? Is there something SERIOUSLY wrong with my body?? Am I not worthy of this blessing in my life?? Should I just get USED to the idea of ONE child??" His were not so self-absorbed. (Maybe that's just the difference between men and women.)

The unknowingly rude comments hurt a LOT. I once confided in a good friend that I had been trying for another baby for a long time and was hoping that some new drugs would help. She emailed me back saying, "It will happen if the Lord wants it to." I wanted to smack her. Honestly, did she not KNOW that I had been wanting this forever?? (Of course, she is fertile-Myrtle...and was pregnant with her SECOND child in 2 years...) I know that saying that to me was her way of trying to "do good," but it hurt SO badly and I even refused to email her for a LONG time after that. (If was being totally honest, I'd tell you that I really don't seek out her advice anymore. I only email her when she emails me first...)

The pain is always there, and it's SO hard to overcome, but here's the new twist I've recently found. We tried for another baby for five and a half years....that's a LONG time! Now that I'm pregnant with a healthy child, it doesn't seem like those years were as long as they felt. But the one thing I DO feel....complete gratitude. When I was pregnant with my son, I worried about how labor would feel, and selfishly, I didn't want a baby! I didn't want to go through that pain. (Yes, it's something I've *NEVER* told anyone...) But this time?? Any little ache, pain, sick feeling, gives me a feeling of excitement, and joy! For the first week that I knew I was pregnant I prayed multiple times a night letting my Heavenly Father know of my gratitude for this blessing, and the strength to handle whatever came my way. And you know, I think He's blessed me!