Thursday, October 19, 2006

My Many Moods

I feel refreshed! I had NO kids today (well, other than Cam...) and I got to do whatever my heart desired! So, why did I feel so guilty?
I woke up at the time I would normally be getting up for my normal Thursday, and couldn't sleep. I began stressing about all of the things going on in my life, then I started to feel guilty over not having any real responsibilities today. Ugh! I tried and tried to sleep, but got nowhere, so I pulled out my most recent book, hurried off to the potty-room and read until my husband woke up for the day.
Soon after he woke up, I fell asleep, and didn't really want to wake up! But I did.
I have been feeling like I'm trapped in a swirling black hole and I can't find myself. I figured if I focused on my family, and more specifically on Cameron, then I'd be able to find myself again. So I made a plan.
I picked up Cam from school, and told him that after lunch I would take him to the park and then maybe we'd go for a walk and gather up fun leaves. The kid was THRILLED beyond belief. With me babysitting nearly everyday he's been feeling neglected, and has even been whining to just sit on mama's lap...just for a little while. After eating lunch, we were off to the park. I let him play on the toys, and just watched as I felt myself sink lower and lower into self-pity and depression. I then made a decision: I'm going to have fun with my son...whatever he wants me to do, I'm going to do it!
I had fun! Cam wanted me to slide on the slides with him, and I did...a little! I played monster with him...and spent a good majority of the time "in jail." We rolled and romped in the fallen leaves and had a leaf fight! After playing with him for a little while I felt better...not healed, but better! We had a fun walk home, and ended up making rubbings of our treasured leaves. He seemed to enjoy himself, and wants to do it again tomorrow...which we can't do, because I'm back to babysitting, but it was fun for the short time we did have!
Please bear with me...I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am determined to NOT let it take over my life. I know I am bigger and better than how I feel at the moment, so I'm seriously thinking about changing my life around...getting more active...and NOT feeling guilty for putting myself and family first! It's a change that will take time, but I'm determined to overcome!

11 comments:

wendy said...

I'm glad you had a nice day without any extra little ones. Babysitting is such hard work!

You can do it, You can do it!

CareBearMommy said...

That's awesome that you had today off. I'm glad that you were able to have such a fun time with Cam at the park. Ihope your days get brighter, and that you are able to find some sort of peace to save you from insanity. And as always, good luck with the babysitting.

Millie said...

I think you're an awesome mom, Dawnyel. This post made me feel so happy for Cam. Tell that guilt monster to go bug someone else. :)

Mel said...

I'm so happy for you that you had a break from extra kids and could take the time out with your son. Babysitting is exhausting so I can understand why you are having a hard time. Your awesome!

Mama D said...

Wow! It sounds like you and I had a similar day. Ick. Feeling guilty about getting rest. We are just weird aren't we?

I'm glad you and Cam had a good time this afternoon. Wish you were able to do that everyday!

Anonymous said...

You've had a lot on your plate recently, its Ok to have some post-trauma breakdown! It's so great that you got to hang with Cam for a day, that's sweet therapy.

Remind yourself that taking time for soul healing isn't selfish -- remember the story of Mary and Martha. Somethings are good and somethings are necessary.

nikko said...

Don't ever feel guilty about being a mom and having fun with your kids. Sometimes we need to do that -- just spend a day having fun and doing what they want to do. It's amazing what it does -- changes everyone's moods!

Way to go!

One Scrappy Gal said...

Sounds like a great time with Cameron!! Please don't feel guilty for doing the things you feel you need to do and for putting your family first!!

I want to add you to my pitiful list of links since I read you regularly...but won't if you don't want me to. Just let me know. :)

Anonymous said...

Like everyone said- DO NO feel guilty for putting yourself first. Remember the well scenario? If you give all your water- what's left if no one puts water back? You need to make sure that you take care of yourself- that way you'll be better for everyone else as well. :)

Kristine said...

Dawnyel...take the time to make sure your heart and spirit are healed. Look for ways every day to sneak in some time just for you. I've been where you are and had to change the way I looked at my "selfishness" as I had thought of it before. Now I refer to it as my "sanity break". I am much happier knowing I have drawn the lines and made myself important. It sounds like you are on that path already...just don't be afraid to stay there.

Amanda said...

You gotta do what is best for you and your family. Family comes first!! It sounds like you had a wonderful day with your son and were able to overcome those negative feelings. That is half the battle, at least for me.