Uncalmable Mama

My husband and I were rudely awoken this morning by piercing screams growing louder and louder. Cam was running into our room screaming that monsters were in his room and biting his arm. Now, when he was younger I'd soothe the boy, and allow him to sleep with me in my bed, but now that he's BIGGER and harder to sleep with I refuse, unless it's for a short period of time. I searched all over my room to find out what time it was...using Cam's indiglow watch, scrambling for my glasses to read the VCR, but nothing was working. Finally Steve rolled over and mumbled something about it being 2:00 in the morning. UH...I need my sleep!! "Cam, everything is fine, go back to bed!"

My memories of the next hour are a blur of more screams, (on both sides) running back and forth from bedroom to bedroom, and frustrated cries. My son is almost 6 years old...I'm NOT used to this kind of behavior!! He normally sleeps through the night, and if he has problems, he'll cry for a while, but he'll quickly fall back to sleep! This screaming went on for an HOUR!! Both my husband and I had to be awake at 5:00...him to prepare to leave for work at 6:00, and me, so I could shower before I had to start babysitting at 5:30! We were sleepy! When Cam had woken us up we had been blissfully sleeping in a comfortable position. But after that hour of trying to calm things down so ALL of us could sleep, we were uncomfortable and grouchy! It took us a while to finally fall back to sleep, but it was a short time until the alarm went off!

Usually L and baby E will come over, and quickly fall asleep until 7:45 when it's time to get ready to take Cam to school. Not the case today. Baby E has been feeling neglected lately (Dad would rather play video games than tend to his screaming son...) and has not wanted me out of his sight for the ENTIRE day! On top of this, he's been having a belly ache lately...meaning...lots of puking and crying! He didn't fall asleep until it was time to take Cameron to school. By then I was EXTREMELY grouchy and tired!

I've devised this plan where I put L in the stroller and balance E in his baby carrier on top of the little stroller cover. With my friend's stroller it worked beautifully, but with mine...not so well! When I set the carrier on top, it balances on L's head! Forcing her to sit forward for the entire ride to school....not a fun ride for her!

So, we changed the accommodations for the pick up! E was IN the stroller (screaming) and L would hang on and walk with me. It worked, until she saw something else that was more fun! We managed to make it work...but at a VERY slow pace...L is only two, after all! We picked Cam up and for the rest of the walk home, E screamed his guts out!

At home, I went to feed the kids and as I was setting out the bowls of macaroni on the table, L went after Cam's bowl. He, naturally, told her no, and she instantly began screaming. (Here's where I get honest...) I had lost it by this time...screaming baby, lack of sleep, and now screaming toddlers?? Not a good combination! I screamed BACK to the little girl. Looking back, I know it wasn't a good move, but I was frustrated, and rather than beat the girl to death (my urge) I screamed! It was one of those primal screams...releasing all of my anger and frustration over my day...it felt good, but as soon as I was done, I felt guilt! L looked at me with shock! I didn't know what else to do, so I stuffed her face with food.

After feeding the kids, I went to feed the baby, then feed myself. The baby was in one of his freak-out moments...and was screaming for attention. I ate my lunch quickly, and picked him up to soothe him! He calmed down and eventually fell asleep. I quietly laid him down and tended to the other two kids.

Not too much later E had woken up and was uncalmable. (Is this a real word? If so, then I'm going to use it ALL of the time!!) He screamed and screamed...no matter what I did! He was fed, clean, and being held, but he was still screaming. I didn't know what to do! I was at my breaking point...lack of sleep, being screamed at all day long, and having fighting children....I did what I KNEW I had to do. I set the baby in his carrier...still screaming...and I took a time-out! I had lost it...I felt like I was losing my mind as well! I had enough and was FINISHED!! Poke a fork in me...I was DONE!!! I knew if I didn't put him down and take this time-out, then I would hurt the kid...and I DON'T want to EVER do anything like that!

Cam and L were staring at me like I was a crazy lady, which I had turned into at that point. I sat in my mama's chair, rubbed my temples for a few minutes, said multiple silent prayers for strength, and gathered my wits! At the end of this I wasn't completely calm, but something had worked...it had helped a little!
I soon calmed the screaming baby, and eventually settled the other kids enough to have naps! (I even napped for an hour as well!)

It was one of those days where I question whether what I'm doing is right for me and my family (being a stay-at-home-mom while babysitting other people's kids)...or if I really should consider doing something else! All the while I'm questioning my choices, a voice in the back of my mind was calming me down, telling me that I'm doing the right thing, but I need to take time to relax.

Am I the only one who wonders if I'm doing the right thing? Maybe I'm just a crazy lady who needs to be institutionalized! If I do, don't tell me...I don't want to think about it!

I'm seriously hoping that we don't have any returns from night terrors tonight...I'm already freaking out about tomorrow (my crazy babysitting day...) I need to refill my chocolate stash, and hope things go better than they did today!