Crazy Mother on the Loose

I just realized today that I'm NOT ready for my son to grow up! (For those of you with children over 5...you're probably thinking I'm INSANE for thinking this, but it's true!) When I was younger I lived in a very nice neighborhood...there were tons of kids running around and we pretty much knew everyone who lived around us. My parent's would let us roam the neighborhood and didn't really worry too much, I think. Well, tonight the rowdy neighbor kids came over and asked if Cam could come out and play with them. My first reaction was to scream out "NO WAY!!" and slam the door in their faces, but I held back and told them that I was making dinner and he was going to have to eat soon. Cam then looked up at me with those bright blue eyes as if to say, "Please, mom, you never let me do anything." I'm such a softy...I told the kids to wait for him to put on his shoes and he'd be out for a little while. Cam was so thrilled with that idea that he hurried and had his shoes on and was out the door before I could say, boo!

I cannot convey to you the feeling of panic that overcame me. If I could have I would have shrunk myself down to teeny size and stood outside to keep an eye on him the ENTIRE time while trying not to embarrass the kid, but since I don't have access to that machine I stayed inside making dinner. I stood next to the window the whole time. If I didn't see his body or the kids he was with, my heart would palpitate and I would get light-headed. I was SO worried about him that I almost burned dinner! Our neighborhood is not the same kind of place that I grew up in...it's freakin' scary!! One of my friends who lived here told me once that she looked up the registered sex offenders in our area and noticed that our neighborhood was almost all red with the dots marking where they live. Ever since then I've tried to stay inside of our home and keep the doors locked tight. It's a rare day when our street isn't mentioned in the police log for drugs, domestic violence, or something like that. Even without knowing that this is the breeding ground for those scumbags, I'm a worrier. My husband will be late coming home from work and I'll imagine him in a horrible car accident, dying in the hospital, or losing his memory and not knowing where he lives. I know it's bad, but I can't control these thoughts. So here I am...literally pacing my small kitchen praying that dinner will cook quickly so that I will have an excuse to call Cam in for the night. Every car or truck that passed was, in my mind, a potential murderer or kidnapper. When dinner was finally finished I was relieved to call him back into the safety of our home. He was so mad at me for calling him in, but I knew it would pass. So, during dinner we had one of my famous conversations. During the time he was outside, I realized that I'm way too paranoid and I need to let the kid grow, play, and learn things for himself. So our conversation consisted of the new rules that he must obey if he wants to go outside ever again. As I was getting on in my speech the poor kid covered his ears and said, "I don't wanna talk to you, no more!" I threatened him that if he didn't listen to me then I wouldn't let him leave our house ever again. He, naturally, threw a fit, then he calmed down and listened to the rants of his insane mother.

Am I alone in this crazy paranoia? Please give me hope that I can get through this time in his life. I think this crazy side of me coming out is a HUGE sign that it's time for another child...which I know all too well. Other than getting that other child we've been wanting what can I do?? HELP ME!!