Never-Ending Cycle

School is back in session (has been since last week, but who's counting?) and life moves quickly. Jake has done his own "school" a few times and loves feeling like a big boy.

I'm a little frustrated though.

Bedtime has become my nemesis....yet again. Jake and Cameron fight EVERY single night. I'm losing my mind and just want to sit in the fetal position crying.

It starts out innocently enough. We do our bedtime routine: scriptures, brushing teeth, and prayers. Then I encourage BOTH boys, "Leave your brother alone. I do NOT want to see or hear from either of you for the rest of the night." The boys respond, "We won't. Good night...."

Then the brawling begins. Cameron hurts Jake, Jake screams bloody-murder, Jake comes bawling down the stairs, "Mom, Cameron hurt me..." I yell at Cam, Cam yells down the stairs and Jake screams a little more.

This repeats nightly.

I'm SICK of it.

I thought the bunk-beds were to blame. Whenever we'd send one boy to bed, the other would follow (usually after the first was sleeping peacefully) and shake the heck out of the bed, waking the other boy and causing a fight. So I took the bunks away. The boys have been sleeping on their mattresses on the floor all summer long. Finally, a few weeks ago, I got what I THOUGHT would be the perfect solution: a day bed with a trundle. No touching of beds at ALL! Unfortunately, I forgot that due to the size restraints, the beds are still only 3 inches apart. The fighting STILL happens.

I'm tired.....more importantly, my BOYS are tired. I wish I knew what to do to fix this situation, but I'm at my wits end and going more and more crazy each night. Tonight I just let Jake sit on my lap until Cameron fell asleep....it wasn't until after 10:00.

This is ridiculous. What more can I do? Why can't they just get along!?

Trying To be Positive, But....

...sometimes it's SO hard.

Cameron has been doing different doses of his meds lately, because we're trying to see if he actually NEEDS more or if he's okay on a lower dosage. (Personally, I saw a HUGE difference once we bumped up the dose.) Bumping up the dosage, though, causes HUGE problems with Medicaid.

I don't know if it's bad that I fully admit that Cameron is on Medicaid, but truthfully, if he wasn't on it, we would NOT be able to afford his many therapies or doctor appointments. It's a necessary evil.

Anyway, every time we tweak his doses, the doctor's office needs to contact Medicaid and get a "prior authorization," or in other words, get permission to raise the medication. The thing is, Medicaid only distributes ONE month's worth of meds at a time. So, if he's taking one pill a day, they'll only authorize the pharmacy to give him 30 pills per refill. Well, right before Christmas, we were waiting for prior authorization for doubling his dose (60 pills per month...) and got a HUGE surprise when we found out that even after being approved for the medication, we still had to wait 24 hours for it to get into the system. (I had gone TO the pharmacy, all prepared to get the meds, and was denied once again, and I literally was in TEARS. Cameron had run out of meds THAT day and with vacation I KNEW I was going to go crazy with an unmedicated child. Seriously, TEARS!) Thankfully, after learning the 24 hour rule, we got the medicine quickly. I think Cameron was unmedicated for a whole 3 hours that he's normally medicated.

Things are a lot different this time.

Cam was going to be out of medicine on Monday, so I called for a refill on Friday. The nurse called me back to tell me that the doctor wanted to raise the dosage, yet again, to THREE pills per day. I didn't think to make sure she'd get the prior authorization done (mostly because I was overwhelmed with my kids at the time...) and went to pick up the prescription on Monday. Now, remember, Monday we were OUT of pills....no more, nada, ALL GONE! I took the prescription to the pharmacy, and the tech looked a little confused. I asked him if Medicaid was having issues with the prior authorization again, and he said that was what it looked like. He said that lately, even on GOOD days, it takes about 3 days for the prior auth to go through. I was frustrated, and told him so, but I left trying to keep my spirits up. It helped that my sweet Cameron was in the back seat of the van consoling me, "Mama, that man was just doing his job. It's going to be okay..."

I quickly called the doctor's office to find out what was going on with the meds, and found out that the nurse had left for the day. *Great!* I left her a message, and told her that we were literally OUT of meds, and I was worried about sending him to school without any medication, and then I waited.

Tuesday, I wrote Cameron's teacher a note, explaining what was going on, and just as a warning that he wouldn't be his *usual* self. That morning I took what little of the quick acting, short-lasting, miniature dosage pills that I had left-over and tried to dose up the kid, knowing it wouldn't last.

At the end of the school day, I asked his teachers how it went and they said that because they knew what was going on, they understood, and noticed, but gave him a little bit of wiggle room. For the most part he was good, but did have his completly distracted moments.

I had called the doctor's office again that day and asked if we could possibly get a smaller prescription written to cover the few days that we'd have to wait for Medicaid, but my begging was only heard by the voice-mail, yet again.

Today, I called the doctor's office, yet again, and actually talked to a FEW people before getting to talk to the nurse I've been leaving messages with. She said that on Friday, when she'd written the prescription, she'd called Medicaid to get the prior authorization going. But because Monday was a holiday, she didn't expect to hear anything from them until at LEAST today. (*grumble grumble*) She said that, actually, she'd have a few minutes right then and she'd call to get things moving a little more quickly.

I've heard nothing.

Cameron is still on the itty-bitty pills, and they're not QUITE cutting it, but they're better than nothing. He's very confused about why he's had to take SO many pills and I told him that they help him so that he can concentrate when he goes to school and therapy. He seemed to understand that.

There are times I am SO grateful for Medicaid, but when I'm getting the "prior authorization" run-around, I don't love them so much.

Just so you don't think I truly have a hate/hate relationship with Medicaid, I will share one more recent Cameron/Medicaid story.

Sunday night, Cameron was arguing with his dad. (This happens a LOT. They're too much alike...) Because he was angry, he went up to his room, stomped around for a while, and then he "squeezed" his glasses. He must have REALLY been mad, because he BROKE his frames. (We've had this particular pair of glasses for ALMOST 2 months....) He came downstairs and immediately apologized and cried. I consoled him, and told him that we'd take care of it later.

Monday, the same day I tried to get the meds, we took the broken glasses to the eye doctor. They looked at them, said, "Oh, we can't fix these" (DUH!!) and then said, "Medicaid will replace this frame, easy."

Oh, what a weight was lifted (just before another was dropped...)

Being the mom to this boy is quite a job. Who knew I'd be so elated one minute and so bummed the next? BUT, after everything, it is DEFINITELY worth it. The fact that he tried to help me from getting VERY upset and crying again shows me that I'm doing a good job raising a concerned child! I can do this, but I will get frustrated from time to time...

Lessons Learned Tonight

DO NOT spend good money to see the Knowing. SERIOUSLY, it's STUPID!!
Do NOT get scared by stupid movie, only to realize later that it was NOT going anywhere!
Do NOT grill ANY food on a barbecue IN your freakin' garage. (This is for my STUPID neighbors!!)
When you see smoke there is NOT always a fire. (It could have been out for HOURS!)
When confronting stupid neighbors, make sure they speak English, and understand that you're UPSET! (MORONS!)
Make sure that your Land Lord can do something about it.
Smoke will last for hours and hours....making breathing difficult.
Sometimes venting to neighbors helps, but sometimes it just fuels your anger.
One more lesson, I should get a colonoscopy before I turn 30...but my week is filled! :P

Alive? Maybe, but then again....

So this last week was an off week for us. Usually I'm at my mom's house (where I do my online-ing....) but she's had strep throat!! So we kept the boys at home, hoping that they DON'T get what Grandma has.

Then we had some family dramas pop up. It's sad, but I think we're surviving.

I just wish my husband would be happier. He's pretty upset because his mom hasn't answered his phone calls since we went to Arizona at the beginning of August!! She's told someone else in the family that she's not mad at us, but that she thinks WE'RE mad at HER! Wha'!? Um....I've had Steve call his mom every night this week, we've yet to hear from her. In fact, we had to learn yesterday of his aunt's passing from his brother!
I just don't get this immature behavior.....why? JUST ANSWER YOUR DANG PHONE!!!

********

Vent over....I hope...

And as an added bonus, here's the boy's Halloween picture. I hope to get a picture of Jake with his new teeth, but we're still waiting for one to pop out. (When that one comes, he'll have 4!!)

Who's Following Me??

Um....I haven't been on my blog for a while, but once I logged on I noticed I have ONE follower. Should I feel loved or suspicious?? ;)

Babysitting is actually not too bad. As far as I know, which really isn't much, I'm not going to be paid for doing this. If I do, then it'll be a perk!! Cam and Kenneth are always running, screaming, playing, goofing off.....typical little boy things. Cam only has problems when Kenneth is either doing his homework or when he goes home. I really don't know if I can handle this full time or not, but for now I'm going to try.

Steve wasn't surprised that I volunteered for this job, but he was weary for me. He lets me know when he thinks I'm not handling it (and when I'm sick, it's really hard to put up with little boy stuff....) and he is a good help.

Still no word on baby Jonathan yet. My sister was officially "overdue" on Thursday, and even called her doctor's office to push back her Tuesday appointment to Thursday so she can give him more time to come on his own. Now, here's my little soapbox speech, if you don't agree with me, TOUGH!! It's my blog, I can complain if I want to!!

My sister lives in the middle of nowhere Nevada. She has to drive THREE hours to the nearest, delivery hospital. Her doctor lives there too. She wants her baby to come naturally. FINE, but if you want that, you'd better have a husband who can handle blood and guts (Her husband can't....) and be prepared to deliver your baby either at home or on the road.

My philosophy here is induce. Then you KNOW when you'll be making your 3 hour drive, and you're a little more prepared. Sure, the labor isn't the "best," but you're still going to have a healthy baby out of the deal....INDUCE!! Now, if you live 10 or even 30 minutes from the hospital, I'm ALL for whatever your heart desires....home birth, natural childbirth, whatever.....But a 3 hour drive is NOT what I would think of as a fun way to have a baby.

Okay, I'm done. PHEW!! I love my sister, and I want her to have the healthiest possible outcome all around. Is that so bad??

A Little Annoyed

I just got a phone call from some guy in my ward wondering if I would be able to babysit his son for him tomorrow! UGH!! (Thankfully, I didn't answer the phone...I screen my calls, and didn't know that one, so it was only a voicemail.)

First off, I babysit during the week, so the weekends are my days off. DO you want to do YOUR job on your days off?? I didn't think so...

Secondly, Hello!! I'm freakin' pregnant, about to pop soon (at least, that's how I feel....) Give me a break!!

Thirdly, whoever does this is in my ward and KEEPS giving people MY number. UH, I don't do ward babysitting unless I REALLY know the person, and only in emergencies. The last time I babysat for a ward friend it actually turned HORRIBLE on me...I ended up being used by people I considered my friends, and I just don't feel like going through that kind of crap again!!

Fourth, why not freakin' call a young woman in the ward?? That's what I'd do if I wanted a ward babysitter.....

GIVE ME A BREAK!! I am not the ward's resident babysitter.....

If anyone knows who is doing this, PLEASE let me know....I have a few words I'd like to share with them.

*********
Do I sound like a spoiled brat!? I really love other kids, I just need a break...honestly....and I absolutely LOVE the people in my ward....again, just been burned too many times!

WHY?!

It didn't take much to put me back into my "why me" funk. It's been building for a while.

I've been off of my regular meds, and waiting for the mail to come containing them stinks sometimes. Because I'm off of my medications, my body has been thrown for a loop!! Currently, I'm awaiting a visit from af. Let me tell you, this cycle is HUGE!! I usually go between 28 and 35 days on my cycles, but this one is on DAY 53!!! I'm going insane!! Add to this that it seems like everywhere I go someone is either pregnant or having babies. UGH! I just want to crawl into a hole and cry!!

These last few months have been some of the best for me! I was finally feeling peace with my family. I was HAPPY that I had a son, and that if nothing more happened to my little family, I THOUGHT I would be fine, but I was wrong!!

I'm the only one of my high school group of married friends who only has one child! I've been married for nearly 8 years, and I'm feeling like a loser! Why is my body betraying me this way?? Why can't I easily conceive like so many other women/teens??

I hate feeling this way, but I WISH there was some way I could easily dismiss these depressing feelings, and get back the peace I had not that long ago. I hate to whine, but I feel like I'm going to explode!!

Feel Like Rubbing It In??

I can't even believe that someone would do that, but it's true.

Here's the background story:

My brother-in-law, Andrew, and his girlfriend, C, are pregnant. They had their big ultrasound on Monday. You know, the one that tells you whether it's a boy or a girl?

Now the story with Andrew is that he and C don't have ANY plans at this time to get married. We all voice our disapproval to him whenever we talk to him, but it's not like we're going to change his mind.

Andrew and C found out that they are going to have a little boy. At the beginning of next year Steve and I will have a new little nephew in our family. We are MORE than thrilled about this baby boy, but we are frustrated with his parents' choices.

My background story:

Steve and I have been trying to get pregnant for the past 5 years!! FIVE YEARS is a LONG time!! Let me tell you, I measure most of the last 5 years in negative pregnancy tests. I can tell you how heart-breaking it is to see a single pink line....60 TIMES!! I've gotten to the point where I'm literally AFRAID to pee on a stick! I will avoid it at ANY cost!! ANY COST!!

Within those last 5 years, I've had many MANY growing Spiritual experiences. I will share one with you now, but please don't think that because I'm sharing it I take it lightly, because it's VERY special to me. To show you my FULL frustration, I feel that I need to share it. During one experience I felt VERY strongly that I will have more children, and one child in particular stood out. It was a beautiful little boy, and his name is Jacob. This little boy WILL come, someday, but I have to wait. I KNOW that his name is Jacob, and I have plans (that Steve is FULLY aware of) to name our next son, Jacob.

Final piece of background information:

Steve and Andrew are the ONLY children in their family. It's just the two of them....no other siblings!

When Andrew told Steve the news about his baby, Steve asked him what they plan on naming this new little boy. Andrew told Steve that they won't tell his name until after he is born. Which is FINE! In fact, if I had Cameron's ultrasound to do over, I wouldn't have told Steve's parents the name we had chosen....because of their input we named him Cameron....NOT Matthew like we had wanted!

ANYWAY, while Steve was talking with Andrew I very loudly said, "Don't pick Jacob!" Steve asked him if he heard me, and he said he had, but then he paused and said, "Too bad!"

*rub rub*

They have been considering that name!! In fact, from the sounds of it, it was the name they WANT!!

Andrew has heard my experience with Jacob, he knows my feelings about it, but chooses to be a stubborn idiot!!

His blatant refusal to leave this name for us feels like he's rubbing my face in the fact that he and his girlfriend are pregnant, but I and Steve are NOT! I just want to cry!! It FEELS like this person, who, in his own disregard for ANYONE'S feelings, has stomped on my heart!!

The thing is, even if Andrew and C name their son Jacob, I will STILL use that name for my next son! So the children on that side of the family will be Cameron, Jacob, Jacob! I don't really care!! It was my name first, and he can just go take a flying leap!!

Where Did this Child Come From??

Oh, me?? No.....I was a PERFECT angel growing up!! *laughing evilly*
I have just about had it today with my child!! He's been nothing but grumpy and ornery ALL day long!! It didn't matter WHAT little Baby J did, he would smack him, push him over, or just be a mean little punk to him! We had a marathon time-out session, in which the child threw garbage EVERYWHERE, threw a newspaper at my head, and basically screamed and let me know he was NOT happy!!
What can I do??
All I have to say is that it's a good thing that I love the boy, or he would NOT be alive!

I Don't Wanna Be the Mama!

Have you ever had those days where you just want to be YOU? Where if a little person calls you "mom" you think to yourself, 'Is he talking to ME!?'"

Today was one of those days. I don't think I slept very well....so when the alarm went off, I wanted SO badly to ignore it! Unfortunately, Cam ALSO heard the alarm, and came in and immediately began chattering away about some weird thing.

Then Baby J came, and he's been feeling clingy and sick....GEE, just what I want!

Both boys ended up yelling, screaming, fighting, and just being obnoxious. When Cam was being defiant, screaming "NO!" at me at the top of his lungs, and baby J was in the playpen screaming just to be held, I just felt like walking away from it all. Don't get me wrong, I DO love my son, I DO love babysitting, but there are days when I just want to go back to a time when I wasn't a mom. When the only person I had to worry about was ME.
Am I being selfish?? I guess looking back, I am, but I just need a break every once in a while! Some days I just don't wanna be the mama!

Tears of Frustration

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, and figure if I spill my life story here then I'll feel better!
I've started going out for training with my new job, and it's great...except my trainer (who is seriously AWESOME) is calling me CONSTANTLY! If you know me, I'm NOT a phone person...at all! She wants me to be free to do appointments all the time, and that's just not me. Maybe I've gotten into this TOO fast, but I'm feeling overwhelmed there! (Not that I don't love the program, but just feeling a bit like I'm being pulled in a few directions at once!)
Then I had SUCH a good week with my scouts last Wednesday, and this week?? Well, we're back to them disobeying, running, screaming, fighting...blah! We are going to implement a new reward/discipline system NEXT month...I really hope it works!
Then today I had a meeting with Cameron's school about what our plans for next year will be with the kid. The meeting was scheduled for 8:00 am, meaning, I had to get Baby J here early, Cam and I BOTH ready to go, and hope that Steve was home from work, so I could drive down the street to school with BOTH boys in the snow and rain. (Yeah, the weather was kinda wet today!)
The meeting was SET to start at 8, but do you think they could get everyone there??? *muttering under breath* The meeting FINALLY started 20 minutes after it was supposed to, and we started discussing my sweet boy.
The first person was his teacher...who LOVES him and has worked REALLY hard with the kid all year long. She showed us his scores from the beginning of the year to just last week. The kid has seriously slipped in where he was compared to the rest of the class. The things they're studying are just too hard for the kid, so instead of getting like a 76% on his tests, he's getting a 43%! She said that he DOES do better work when his in-class aide is there, but he's starting to depend on her TOO much.
Then they asked the resource team what was going on with him in their room, and they mentioned that he's easily frustrated, and is showing signs that he's just not getting it.
Then they asked ME what he's doing at home. INSTANT tears! (I'm just SO emotional when it comes to my boy....almost TOO emotional.) I told them that he tries hard to help out and be a good friend. Then I told them that when I ask him to work on some of his homework, instead of telling me that he doesn't know what it is, he gets frustrated and cries. If you push him too far on something challenging, the kid shuts down. He's just easily frustrated. It's almost like he's afraid to admit that he doesn't know something. Like he just can't find it in his heart to say the words, "I don't know."
Then we reviewed his score from the testing they did at the beginning of the year...the one where he was labeled mentally retarded. (They actually have a different term, but for the life of me, I can't think of it.) Anyway, I'm actually grateful for this term now...because of the results he got, he's now qualified for many services he otherwise wouldn't be able to do. Because of this label, Cam will definitely get the aides and classes that he needs to learn at his OWN rate.
Because of all of these findings with the boy, the whole group came to the conclusion that he'll fare better in the DACC program instead of a regular first grade class. DACC (Developmentally Accurate Curriculum) has children from Kindergarten to 3rd grade in a setting where they will each get a specialized plan where they can learn the same things the other kids their age are learning, but at a slower rate. We figured he'll do even better if he's in DACC than he'll do just thrown into a regular class with an aide. Honestly, this is the LAST thing I thought I would agree to, but after seeing how he's not following or even getting some of the concepts, I think it's best.
I guess I'm just having a hard time admitting (to myself) that Cameron ISN'T like other kids. That he can't just go on to first grade, and learn like other kids. That my son is in the "special" class. I know, I shouldn't judge...I shouldn't put unreasonable expectations on my child...every child is different....he'll learn at his OWN rate....but it's HARD for me to admit it. My one big concern with him being in this program (which only has a maximum of 12 kids in at a time) is his social development. Will he be able to play with other kids his age, interacting with them like he does now? Will they tease him? Will he get the social time that he needs to grow in THAT area? The teacher who is in charge of DACC assured me that not only do the kids do intense learning in her classroom, but they do have inclusion times where they are with the "normal" first graders.
I KNOW in my heart that THIS is what he needs, but I'm just feeling a bit drained by it all. Steve and I fought SO hard to keep him from going to this type of program, but it seemed that it wasn't enough. And once I told the group at the meeting that what they suggested sounded like it was what we needed to do, they ALL told me that I'm such a good mom. (HUH!?) They told me that they'd like to clone me for other kids who have parents who don't care. I just broke down even MORE.
Not only is he going to start integrating into the DACC program now (like starting NOW they'll be taking him in there for a half hour a day...) but they're also adding in-school Speech therapy to the long list of things he needs. He'll also be doing summer school....sort of a requirement for being in DACC...and he'll be in a class without his little friends. He's constantly asking me NOW who will play with him, or who will be his friend that day...and now....It's all just breaking my heart. I know, I shouldn't be feeling this way.
And then I'm babysitting a lot more than I had expected. When I have Baby J, I really can't do much...I'm not helping in Cam's class anymore (which doesn't ease my guilt over being a lousy teacher to the kid...) and I'm stuck home with a cranky, clingy, whiny boy. And because his mom just started a new job, they sent her first paycheck to her in the mail...and she didn't get it until today!! We are late on MANY bills...checks bouncing like rubber balls...and I'm still doing the best I can! (She IS going to be able to pay us tomorrow though....YAY!)
With all of my crazy other things, my house has become ground zero. Laundry piles are EVERYWHERE, toys are scattered all over my upstairs, my bed is coming undone when I sleep on it, I haven't done dishes all week, and my vacuuming has stopped. Feeling lousy, just isn't a solution when you have a messy house.
Well, that's it...that's my frustrations....I hope I can handle things better. I just hope....

Next Stop...Complaint Central

Because I'm not quite done complaining yet...

After posting on here last night, I checked my voicemail to see who I'd missed. The first unheard message was from my friend, L. (You remember her, right? The one I had to STOP babysitting for!?) Anyway, she was wondering if I wouldn't mind being her "back-up" babysitter. Are you KIDDING!? Uh, NO!! Now I have to find a way to tell her. Doesn't being someone's "back-up" mean that they could dump their kids on you without prior knowledge?? That's the problem I had with her BEFORE!! I'm dreading her next call (and I know her...she WILL call me again, and again...) Honestly, I'm so nervous about it, I dreamed about it ALL night long!! (Although, I DID sleep better!)

I also remembered something that can help put into perspective, what's going on with Cam. While I was back in the recovery room with Cam, my mom wasn't allowed in the room (too many parents in a cramped room...not good!) So she sat by a lady and her son who had been there before we got there. When Dr. S went to double check Cam's order, he waved at them. My mom, being who she is, sat down to talk. She found out that the lady AND her son both have NF1, and the son, who was almost 17, had a football sized tumor in his belly last year. It was the one that had turned nasty...fast-growing and cancerous! He had gone through the surgery and chemo, and they were there for an MRI to make sure he didn't have anymore! When I heard THIS story, I freaked!! This could be me! (It also might NEVER happen to me...) Just knowing that Cam has MORE tumors inside scares me. How am I to know now when he complains of a tummy ache that it's not just him being sick, wanting attention, or these DUMB tumors?? It's all a bit overwhelming, and frustrating too! I guess I'll just deal with this new thing the way I always have....deal with it, learn from it, and go ON with my life!

Update: And as a NEW feature to my blog, since NF1 is SO much a part of my life now...I've got links to information about NF1 in my sidebar.

Cop Update (yeah...I'm Not Feeling Like being PC!)

Sorry it took me so long to update...I've been doing OTHER things!

As an aside, right BEFORE the cop showed up, Cam broke the light cover on his bulbs in his bedroom....seems like the kid is bad with glass this week! So while I'm upstairs vacuuming the floor, Steve is letting the cop into our house! I go down, and Steve is telling the cop his story (yet again) in the hallway. I pass them, and the cop asked to go into the living room...Steve agrees.

Anyway, when Steve is really nervous (and who wouldn't be with a cop questioning you in your home over something like this...) he uses his hands like crazy to talk. He was nearly FLYING with waving his hands around....He told the cop the SAME story, and at the end, the cop asks, "Why would these people want to accuse you of doing something like this?!"

I wanted to pipe in with, "Well, the whole world is out to get us...Don't you think if we KNEW why he wanted to accuse us, we'd be able to inform you about WHY!?" (Dumb cop!)

Then he asks him again, if it came down to it if he'd take the poly-graph. He said that his lawyer recommended that he NOT take it, and he would stick with that advice. The cop then continues to pressure him into taking it...saying that if he doesn't take it, then it looks like he's guilty. He says, "I may look guilty, but the story WON'T change, and you know what happened." The cop says something like it's just to show whether you're telling the truth or not! (IDIOT!)

So he tells Steve that he'll write the report (which is exactly what Steve, and many of his employees told him BEFORE!) and says, "Whatever happens, happens!" He tells us that there really isn't any proof against Steve. DUH!

After the cop left, I asked Steve exactly WHY this cop wanted to come and talk to him IN our house. He said that when he talked to him before (yeah, I kinda messed that part of the story up...he was talking ON the PHONE with the dork!) he told Steve that he wanted to see his face when he told the story. It seems to me, that this cop really DOESN'T believe Steve...which is completely STOOPID!!

Honestly, I hope we're done, but it seems like the cop is just trying to assert his influence....I just want to SCREAM!!! (((((IDIOT!!!!!!))))))

What WAS I Thinking?

When I said that I'd be an assistant den leader? Sunday callings are WAY different from middle of the week callings!! WAY different!

For the past 2 weeks I've been going to scouts, hoping to pick up on what exactly I'm supposed to be doing. I've done my online training thingies, and filled out a background check form (uh...yeah!) and now I'm coming home from scouts thinking, "What is going on?"

Last week was my first week, so I just chalked everything up to me being new, and just not knowing exactly what to do. (Even the den leader I'm supposed to be working with doesn't really know what to do with me!) So I just cut papers, and tried to keep Cameron (yeah, had to take him with me...) occupied and the boys busy. That was insane!

Then this week, I prepared myself a little bit. See, we've been having the boys make decorations for next week's Blue and Gold Banquet. The monthly theme is something tropical (I would look it up, but I'm too stinkin' lazy!) ANYWAY, they've been making dried bean mosaics of fish and other undersea critters, and then painting their own surf boards. Did someone order some crazy?? Yup!!

The boys last week did pretty well, the surf boards took a few hours to dry, but it went off fairly well....with the exception of them not listening to how to properly behave in the church....but they're boys, right!?

Anyway, this week we had a few glitches. A new boy came, and he was not one who gets along well with others. I wasn't in the room when it happened, but I guess he started a fight. NOT GOOD!! Then the boys were just on major sugar highs (coming straight to scouts from their Valentine's parties at school) and just would NOT pay attention.

My question now is, what was I thinking? That scouts would be a piece of cake...like my last calling?? I do realize that it took me YEARS to feel comfortable there, but I hope it doesn't take me long to get comfy here! All I can do when I come home is fall down, exhausted, and pray that I can find a way to get to know these boys, and help them to grow into better scouts, and young men! Boy, that's not asking for much, is it!?

And The Answer Is...

Sunday is nearly over. I absolutely LOVE having church start at 1:00! Maybe it's the teen-ager longing to get out of me, but I love being able to sleep in.

Yes, as I mentioned earlier, I was released from my calling as Primary Chorister. I was so sad over it too! But my NEW calling is: (funny enough, when I asked for guesses, someone got it RIGHT on the nose!!)

Assistant Cub Scout Den Leader (or whatever they call us now!)

I'll be working with another lady (who funny enough, was the Primary pianist when I started as the chorister) and we'll be working with the Wolves and Bears. Our ward is in the process of finding someone else to help out with the Webelos. I'm nervous, excited, and ready to go. I definitely felt the need for my setting apart (which turned out very well...being admonished 4 or 5 times to seek the Spirit) to help me feel more comfortable in this position. I can't tell you how strongly I feel about being set apart...I tried doing a calling for almost 4 years WITHOUT being set apart, and I hated, HATED it! I could never figure out what to do...how to do it...or anything. I was frustrated beyond words. Then when I got the calling again, I was all upset over it, but got set apart. That was the ONLY difference. I loved the calling (and now I'm sad to be leaving it!) Thoughts came so easily, and ideas just worked out!

Now I'll be working on getting certified and learning what to do. I'm pretty excited!

Another "perk" of being in this new calling, I get to attend the "big people" meetings. I haven't done that forever!! For pretty much my entire adult life, I've been in Primary. I don't know if I'll know how to behave...sit still...or anything. That's where more nerves are showing. Although, Steve is THRILLED to get to sit by me in Sunday School! ;)

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Tonight was the SuperBowl, and sadly, the team Steve was rooting for won! ;) I thought I could "root" for the Bears, but I just wasn't really into the game. The Colts fought hard, and deserved to win, even thought I was more interested in watching the commercials. Laughing at some, and rolling my eyes at others. The one that REALLY got me was the Snickers one, where there's two guys working on an engine, and one guy starts eating a Snickers. The other guy bites onto the other end of the candy bar, and for a split-second the two manly men "kiss!" EWWWW!!! Then they immediately decide to do something "manly!" They rip open their shirts and pull some of their chest hair off! OUCH! I have to admit, it did make me giggle!

The thing I used to look forward to most on SuperBowl Sunday was the half-time show. I remember YEARS ago when Michael Jackson was the half-time entertainment and it was really impressive and something I enjoyed "rocking out" to. (As much as you CAN rock out to MJ!) Now, we have Prince. ICK! I cannot stand the man. The whole time we were commenting on his "do-rag." WHY does a grown man wear something like that!? Especially when it has a fancy bow on the front!?

I wouldn't have been so upset over it if he had sung some of his songs, but he was singing OTHER people's songs! Sure, he sang Purple Rain at the end, but he was singing Tina Turner (Rollin' on the River) and Foo Fighters (don't ask me what the song was, I don't listen to them...my youngest brother had to point out that it was a Foo Fighters song!) How upsetting. Thanks, Janet Jackson for ruining future SuperBowl half-time shows FOREVER!!

So Mad Right Now! I MUST VENT!

Have you seen that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond that's all about PMS? I'm LIVING that episode right now! I'm just glad my husband doesn't have a tape recorder to record the things I'm saying!
OOOH! He just makes me SO mad sometimes! I just got back from taking Cam to therapy and doing some errands. I was telling him what was going on when he starts in lecturing me about things I'm going to HAVE to do next week. (Just so you know, I'm on jury duty next week, and I have to call into the office at least ONCE a week while I'm on....) So he's telling me all of this stuff that he says I HAVE to do...like calling in EVERY DAY, and I tell him, "No, I just have to follow their instructions." Now granted, when I said this to him, I didn't really SAY it to him...I pretty much growled and yelled at the same time. Then he goes into a whole lecture about how grouchy I am.
THIS IS NOT HELPING MY SITUATION! Telling me I'm grouchy when I'm grouchy is a one-way ticket to GROUCH-VILLE! UGH! Learn from past mistakes, dude!
Then when I sit down on the couch and I grab the remote and change the channel to something I'd rather watch. He then demands to know what I think I'm doing. I tell him I'm changing the channel. To which he again LECTURES me on how he was there first. Uh....How many times do you do this to me?? Try everyday! I say this to him...yes, I'm still pissed off, and he then mutters UNDER his breath, "PMS!"
With those three letters I'm off. I chuck the remote at the dork, and fume up the stairs to cool off. Is it working? Not quite!
On top of my "grouchiness" we've got a few other things going on. Steve's grandpa is in the hospital in Spokane, undergoing some pretty intense things. He's got some blood clots moving to his brain and they're attempting to destroy the clots with laser surgery. (Don't ask me all of the details, all I hear is what Steve's family tells HIM.) They're calling and texting everyone to let them know what's going on. I'm stressing about that, and getting PMS isn't really helping me cope! UGH!
My parents took in another exchange student last week with the idea that they'd be able to keep him for the rest of the school year, but due to some international rules, they can't. And I really bonded with this guy! I don't want to see him go, but he's going.
We have very little food in the house and I'm STARVING, but even if we DID have food, I couldn't eat much of it anyway because my jaw is KILLING me!
Then I'm STILL recovering from my teeth being pulled yesterday. It still hurts like it did before they were pulled, but now I have tender gums where they yanked the teeth out of my head. I had to wake up and take some pain killers early this morning, then try to sleep. Let me tell you, it was NOT a fun morning!
I'm so sorry for this post, but I had to get it all out of my system. I'm not really feeling up to doing the game today, so I'll do it another time. I just had to vent and try to get my feelings OFF my chest and see things in a different way.
The ONE ray of happiness in all of this crud going on is that my friend Carrie had her baby today. She called me and we talked for a while. I'm just glad she and her family are doing fine.

Overly Sensitive?

What do you do when little things rub you the wrong way? When something that shouldn't bother you completely throws you off kilter!? I'm feeling very out of sorts lately, and I can't figure out why!
For example:
Today I took Cam to therapy, sat down in the waiting room, and proceeded to read a magazine that was lying around. As I'm getting into some really interesting articles, another client comes into the building with his mom (or maybe it was his van driver...I really couldn't tell...) Anyway, the therapist that was supposed to be working with the little boy starts up a major conversation with the mom. Now, there are signs all over the waiting room that say something to the effect: as a courtesy to our staff and clients please keep the noise level in the waiting room to a minimum. I'm constantly getting after Cam to keep his voice quiet, so he doesn't bother others. Anyway, this conversation between the therapist and the mom gets louder and louder. Pretty soon I'm having a really hard time concentrating. Now, I realize that those signs AREN'T there for my personal quiet-time, but come on! The conversation lasted for 25 minutes! TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES!! Therapy sessions only last 45! The poor kid got back to the room with just enough time to play and therapize (yes, I know it's not a REAL word...) for 15 minutes! Geez! Talk about being unprofessional! I just wanted to lay into them...telling them that they're not being paid to gossip, but I held it all back! I was so thoroughly annoyed that I had to complain about it to Steve. He tended to agree with me, which makes me think I should have said something about it, but it was a bit late for that! I don't know why it bothered me so much, but it did!
Today wasn't the ONLY time little things have been annoying me lately. There have been other things. Like when my sister was visiting for the weekend, and she said an innocent comment that just got me all annoyed and bothered! Cam is a boy! (I know, it came as a shock to me too!) And little boys are not known for the best potty behavior...anyway, he missed the hole in the toilet, and my sister came up to me, patted me on the shoulder and said, "Cam's mama, you need to teach him to clean up after himself when he goes to the bathroom..." WHY did this bother me!? I should teach him! Maybe it's the fact that my sister is such a neat freak...or the fact that she doesn't have any kids and acts like she knows what's best...whatever the situation...it bothered me when it shouldn't have.
Or what about when I got Cameron's psychological test results that said he was "mentally retarded," and his teacher confided in me that she thinks the results were wrong? Why does it bother me that the school is now labeling my son with that term? And why does it bug the heck out of me that the test results may be wrong? And why does it bug me that after I realized the results may be wrong that the psychologist isn't getting all over re-testing him? WHY!?
And why do little babies crying for no good reason just make me crazy? It used to not bug me so much, but now I want to fix it and make it all better! When I can't control things I just go crazy!
What is my problem!? Am I getting OCD...really bad? Sometimes I feel like I have PMS, but it's NOT time for that...or is it!? Oh, well. Go ahead...tell me to get over these things...I'll accept it...but in the mean time I'll be constructing a post in my head complaining about how THAT bothers me too!

My Week at a Glance

I'm overwhelmed. I don't want to get into TOO much detail, so here's an abridged version:

• I've been babysitting extra girls...way too much energy, and too much conflict for my taste!
• A neighbor man died, and we're having to tell the little kids what has happened. It seems that they're handling it fairly well.
• I've become the sounding board for my visiting teaching partner...I'm glad I can be there for her! She really needs a good friend right now.
• Cam's IEP has come up and along with it have been suggestions from my FAVORITE (can you sense my sarcasm?) principal for DACC and more special ed! UGH! NO!! (His teacher agrees whole-hearted with me!)
• A family friend's husband has turned into the creep who wouldn't give up! Supporting HER needs has become very important to our everyday lives! We constantly worry that he'll pull some crazy stunt that will end up hurting her or her children!
• I'm seeing people's true colors in the face of adversity. Some turn to their own, selfish needs, others reach out in help of others, and some just close in on themselves. Dealing with these problems is what shows our true characters!

So, that's my life for the past few days summarized. All I can say is that I certainly hope that the kids I babysit will allow me a chance to sleep and recuperate! I need it!

Yeouch!

We went to preview our fancy, dancy photos taken last weekend and had a list of pictures that we needed replacements for. I thought, "Since this is a professional photographer, the pictures are going to be MORE expensive than I'm used to with my Walmart photo shoots. Hopefully it won't be more than $150 or $200."
We drove on the highway during a bad rainstorm/hailstorm/thunderstorm. There was only ONE accident, but my husband handled the car and my nervousness VERY well.
When we got to the studio there was an inch of hail on the ground, and Cam asked if we could play in the "snow." We hurried the boy inside...trying our best to distract him from the fun that he was missing out on. The lady who was going to show us our pictures told us that she had a few more minutes that she needed for downloading, and we could go see the pictures soon. We sat in the waiting room and looked through the many photo albums available to us, while Cam was stuffing his face with cookies. Soon enough the gal showed us into a room that had the feeling of a private movie room that you would see inside a celebrity's house.
They had a movie screen where we previewed our pictures. THEY were SO cute! I was hoping that the photographer had taken tons of pictures of Cameron by himself, but he didn't get very many. We watched the whole thing as a slideshow, then worked on whittling the list down to our top picks.
As we were shrinking down our list, we asked about prices. The smiling helper pulled out the price list and told us that we could choose from any of those packages. Steve looked at the first package available...the biggest one they offer, and immediately saw spots. The price was over $2000!! GULP! He hurried and handed the paper to me...the lady suggested that we look at the smaller packages. I looked at the cheapest one, and it was WELL over my mental $200 limit. We told her we knew what pictures we wanted, and asked to pick out the pictures individually and make our own package. We slowly went through our list and braced ourselves for the final verdict.
We did have a few things in our favor...we spent enough to get a "free" portfolio (normally $139) and we had already paid $75, and our gift certificate granted us ONE free 8x10...but our final price...UGH! $675!! Can you BELIEVE that?? GOSH! Well, there goes our Christmas budget for the year...I hope everyone doesn't mind getting pictures of us...cuz that's ALL we can afford. Poor Cam is only going to be getting small things for Christmas. We feel that getting these pictures will be worth the money we'll be spending. I just hope that we won't over extend ourselves even more!
That was only the FIRST of my ouchies for the past few days.

Yesterday when I was babysitting L and E I noticed that they were both wearing the SAME clothes they had been wearing on Wednesday! Three days in the same clothes makes for stinky, gross kids. Not only was poor L wearing the same onsie, but her hair was in the same hair-do that I had fixed for her on Wednesday! And when I had fixed her hair on THAT day she had food in her hair, making combing a crying experience for the girl. In my mind I realized that they hadn't been bathed since Tuesday at the earliest! How gross is that?! So after dropping Cam off at school, I gave both kids the bath that they deserved! Instantly L was happier, and full of energy. And baby E was happier as well!
My problem? How can I mention to the parents that I find this kind of thing disgusting? I can see not giving your child a bath EVERY DAY, but at least every other day! COME ON!

A few years ago I babysat my cousin's daughter, and he had the same disgusting habit with her...and I got fed up with being the primary care-giver for her, and not getting the results I had wanted! So finally I just told him that it wasn't working out for me, and I completely stopped babysitting any children for nearly 2 years.
I worried that if this was going to become a habit with this couple, I'd have to do the SAME thing...stop watching their kids. So when my friend came to get her kids, she noticed her daughter was in a different outfit, and asked if she had wet through her pants...I casually mentioned to her that I noticed that they were dirty and I had bathed them. She seemed VERY embarrassed! She told me that she had hoped that her husband had taken care of that, but it seemed that he hadn't.

Did I do the right thing? I feel bad about it, but I don't feel bad about how I made the little kids feel. I could tell that ALL they wanted was to be clean...
How would you have handled that situation? Did I go too far? What else could I have done? HELP!

Uncalmable Mama

My husband and I were rudely awoken this morning by piercing screams growing louder and louder. Cam was running into our room screaming that monsters were in his room and biting his arm. Now, when he was younger I'd soothe the boy, and allow him to sleep with me in my bed, but now that he's BIGGER and harder to sleep with I refuse, unless it's for a short period of time. I searched all over my room to find out what time it was...using Cam's indiglow watch, scrambling for my glasses to read the VCR, but nothing was working. Finally Steve rolled over and mumbled something about it being 2:00 in the morning. UH...I need my sleep!! "Cam, everything is fine, go back to bed!"

My memories of the next hour are a blur of more screams, (on both sides) running back and forth from bedroom to bedroom, and frustrated cries. My son is almost 6 years old...I'm NOT used to this kind of behavior!! He normally sleeps through the night, and if he has problems, he'll cry for a while, but he'll quickly fall back to sleep! This screaming went on for an HOUR!! Both my husband and I had to be awake at 5:00...him to prepare to leave for work at 6:00, and me, so I could shower before I had to start babysitting at 5:30! We were sleepy! When Cam had woken us up we had been blissfully sleeping in a comfortable position. But after that hour of trying to calm things down so ALL of us could sleep, we were uncomfortable and grouchy! It took us a while to finally fall back to sleep, but it was a short time until the alarm went off!

Usually L and baby E will come over, and quickly fall asleep until 7:45 when it's time to get ready to take Cam to school. Not the case today. Baby E has been feeling neglected lately (Dad would rather play video games than tend to his screaming son...) and has not wanted me out of his sight for the ENTIRE day! On top of this, he's been having a belly ache lately...meaning...lots of puking and crying! He didn't fall asleep until it was time to take Cameron to school. By then I was EXTREMELY grouchy and tired!

I've devised this plan where I put L in the stroller and balance E in his baby carrier on top of the little stroller cover. With my friend's stroller it worked beautifully, but with mine...not so well! When I set the carrier on top, it balances on L's head! Forcing her to sit forward for the entire ride to school....not a fun ride for her!

So, we changed the accommodations for the pick up! E was IN the stroller (screaming) and L would hang on and walk with me. It worked, until she saw something else that was more fun! We managed to make it work...but at a VERY slow pace...L is only two, after all! We picked Cam up and for the rest of the walk home, E screamed his guts out!

At home, I went to feed the kids and as I was setting out the bowls of macaroni on the table, L went after Cam's bowl. He, naturally, told her no, and she instantly began screaming. (Here's where I get honest...) I had lost it by this time...screaming baby, lack of sleep, and now screaming toddlers?? Not a good combination! I screamed BACK to the little girl. Looking back, I know it wasn't a good move, but I was frustrated, and rather than beat the girl to death (my urge) I screamed! It was one of those primal screams...releasing all of my anger and frustration over my day...it felt good, but as soon as I was done, I felt guilt! L looked at me with shock! I didn't know what else to do, so I stuffed her face with food.

After feeding the kids, I went to feed the baby, then feed myself. The baby was in one of his freak-out moments...and was screaming for attention. I ate my lunch quickly, and picked him up to soothe him! He calmed down and eventually fell asleep. I quietly laid him down and tended to the other two kids.

Not too much later E had woken up and was uncalmable. (Is this a real word? If so, then I'm going to use it ALL of the time!!) He screamed and screamed...no matter what I did! He was fed, clean, and being held, but he was still screaming. I didn't know what to do! I was at my breaking point...lack of sleep, being screamed at all day long, and having fighting children....I did what I KNEW I had to do. I set the baby in his carrier...still screaming...and I took a time-out! I had lost it...I felt like I was losing my mind as well! I had enough and was FINISHED!! Poke a fork in me...I was DONE!!! I knew if I didn't put him down and take this time-out, then I would hurt the kid...and I DON'T want to EVER do anything like that!

Cam and L were staring at me like I was a crazy lady, which I had turned into at that point. I sat in my mama's chair, rubbed my temples for a few minutes, said multiple silent prayers for strength, and gathered my wits! At the end of this I wasn't completely calm, but something had worked...it had helped a little!
I soon calmed the screaming baby, and eventually settled the other kids enough to have naps! (I even napped for an hour as well!)

It was one of those days where I question whether what I'm doing is right for me and my family (being a stay-at-home-mom while babysitting other people's kids)...or if I really should consider doing something else! All the while I'm questioning my choices, a voice in the back of my mind was calming me down, telling me that I'm doing the right thing, but I need to take time to relax.

Am I the only one who wonders if I'm doing the right thing? Maybe I'm just a crazy lady who needs to be institutionalized! If I do, don't tell me...I don't want to think about it!

I'm seriously hoping that we don't have any returns from night terrors tonight...I'm already freaking out about tomorrow (my crazy babysitting day...) I need to refill my chocolate stash, and hope things go better than they did today!