Internal Language.....and Other Things to Think About

So my Girls' Weekend Out was FANTABULOUS! The theme of the trip was "You are Beautiful." I'm SO glad that it was, I really needed it (as well as a few others of us.)

On Saturday we all took a class that was entitled "You are Beautiful," and it was taught by 4 LOVELY ladies, who I look up to. One of them talked about changing your internal language to positive thoughts. She talked about her own personal journey, and encouraged the rest of us to do the same.

She talked about sitting on a rock for 4 hours and contemplating who we are....I hope to do this sometime soon.

She said that when we're having particularly negative thoughts, to write them on our hand (the negative on the left hand and the positive on the right.) Then we can choose which one we want to keep in our mind.

And she talked about figuring out our own personal internal sentence that defines who we are and make it something positive if it's negative. I have come back to this many times since she first brought it up. My first thought was to find my negative sentence, and I found it pretty quickly. It isn't necessarily something that I always entertain, but when someone sincerely compliments me and my first thought is negative, THIS is the sentence that comes first: "I'm fat, and fat is ugly."

I know, pretty harsh, right?

So then I was thinking about what I wanted my positive sentence to be, and realized that I already have one. On my happier, and more positive days I have a sentence that I think when someone compliments me: "I'm happy to be me, and I will not accept your criticisms."

I was pleased to know that I DO have some positive things to combat all those negative voices that sneak in.

That night we were having a special testimony meeting, and one of my most favorite people got up and talked about something that I've come to LOVE! She said that we needed to think about a woman we know who has the traits that we look up to and list them. She asked us to think of four traits (because that's her lucky number....) then she gave us time to think. I thought of a wonderful woman in my ward, one I love and have actually told that I want to be like her. My four traits for her were: 1. She's a happy woman. 2. She is confident. 3. She is hilarious (she ALWAYS makes me laugh.) And 4. She is kind.

After we'd thought about our traits, my friend said that those traits we listed are things that we have within ourselves. We can recognize them because they are apart of us. They resonate through our whole lives.

After hearing this thought, I realized that it was true...not necessarily at all times, but those ARE who I am.

My weekend taught me SO much about myself, and how to truly love others that I had misjudged. I want this feeling with me ALWAYS.....

Teach ME for Trying to be a Good Mommy....

So my last post was all about tattling on Steve and his mistakes. (Believe me, the only reason I posted it was because the man RARELY does stuff like this anymore....he just has had a bad couple of days....) Now it's time to tattle on myself....

Today I took Jake with me to the store. I've been watching Sonic's commercials for their hot dogs....and they look REALLY good. So I figured I'd make my own hot dogs for lunch, but I needed to get some decent hot dogs (I'm a weenie snob....I only eat Falls Brand Beef Wieners.) and some buns. I also decided to buy some chili blocks, and the only store that I KNEW had what I wanted was across town. I took my chances and went across town to get the stuff.

When we were checking out, Jake happened to see the soda display. I was in a good mood and decided to let him choose a soda. I have been craving a Dr. Pepper, so I opted for caffeine, knowing I'd probably fall asleep anyway, then I let Jake pick his own. He grabbed a new soda by Sunkist. In this part of the country, we rarely have caffeine in our Sunkist sodas. I figured he was safe.

Once we got home I made our lunch and poured Jake's soda into a cup. I refilled his cup 3 times. I ended up giving him about 1/2 of a 16 ounce bottle.

After lunch, I planned on making the boy take a nap, because he stayed up WAY late last night and woke up WAY early today. He was in DESPERATE need of sleep. I turned on his cartoons, and held him on my lap. (This is how I usually get him to snooze....it's also tradition for me to fall asleep sitting up and holding the child, possibly snoring in his ear. It's soothing, I swear!)

Two hours later, he was just wiggly and NOT ready to nap.

Finally, I thought, "Wait, doesn't SOME of Sunkist's drinks have caffeine?" I went to check the bottle. Sure enough, the fourth ingredient was caffeine. I wanted to hit myself in the head. Are you KIDDING!? I'd given my already hyper child ENERGY juice!?

(At this point, I WAS impressed that the boy sat still for me for 2 hours, but still....) So I let him run around....this only made the energy grow and grow and grow.

I will NOT be doing this again, I can assure you....

Heck, there's a special spot on the label that SAYS it has caffeine!

See, I COULD have saved myself SO much frustration, but I was only trying to be a good mommy.....

35 Gifts to Give your Children that They’ll Never Forget

I must admit, I did NOT come up with this list. I am borrowing the advice from a friend. It's a great reminder that the best things kids need are US.

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1. Affirmation. Sometimes one simple word of affirmation can change an entire life. So make sure your children know how much you appreciate them. And then, remind them every chance you get.

2. Art. With the advent of the Internet, everyone who wants to create… can. The world just needs more people who want to…

3. Challenge. Encourage your child to dream big dreams. In turn, they will accomplish more than they thought possible… and probably even more than you thought possible.

4. Compassion/Justice. Life isn’t fair. It never will be – there are just too many variables. But when a wrong has been committed or a playing field can be leveled, I want my child to be active in helping to level it.

5. Contentment. The need for more is contagious. Therefore, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is an appreciation for being content with what they have… but not with who they are.

6. Curiosity. Teach your children to ask questions about who, what, where, how, why, and why not. “Stop asking so many questions” are words that should never leave a parents’ mouth.

7. Determination. One of the greatest determining factors in one’s success is the size of their will. How can you help grow your child’s today?

8. Discipline. Children need to learn everything from the ground-up including appropriate behaviors, how to get along with others, how to get results, and how to achieve their dreams. Discipline should not be avoided or withheld. Instead, it should be consistent and positive. (See Parenting with Positive Guidance by Amanda Morgan).

9. Encouragement. Words are powerful. They can create or they can destroy. The simple words that you choose to speak today can offer encouragement and positive thoughts to another child. Or your words can send them further into despair. So choose them carefully.

10. Faithfulness to your Spouse. Faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. Guard your sexuality daily and devote it entirely to your spouse. Your children will absolutely take notice.

11. Finding Beauty. Help your children find beauty in everything they see… and in everyone they meet.

12. Generosity. Teach your children to be generous with your stuff so that they will become generous with theirs.

13. Honesty/Integrity. Children who learn the value and importance of honesty at a young age have a far greater opportunity to become honest adults. And honest adults who deal truthfully with others tend to feel better about themselves, enjoy their lives more, and sleep better at night.

14. Hope. Hope is knowing and believing that things will get better and improve. It creates strength, endurance, and resolve. And in the desperately difficult times of life, it calls us to press onward.

15. Hugs and Kisses. I once heard the story of a man who told his 7-year old son that he had grown too old for kisses. I tear up every time I think of it. Know that your children are never too old to receive physical affirmation of your love for them.

16. Imagination. If we’ve learned anything over the past 20 years, it’s that life is changing faster and faster with every passing day. The world tomorrow looks nothing like the world today. And the people with imagination are the ones not just living it, they are creating it.

17. Intentionality. I believe strongly in intentional living and intentional parenting. Slow down, consider who you are, where you are going, and how to get there. And do the same for each of your children.

18. Your Lap. It’s the best place in the entire world for a book, story, or conversation. And it’s been right in front of you the whole time.

19. Lifelong Learning. A passion for learning is different from just studying to earn a grade or please teachers. It begins in the home. So read, ask questions, analyze, and expose. In other words, learn to love learning yourself.

20. Love. …but the greatest of these is love.

21. Meals Together. Meals provide unparalleled opportunity for relationship, the likes of which can not be found anywhere else. So much so, that a family that does not eat together does not grow together.

22. Nature. Children who learn to appreciate the world around them take care of the world around them. As a parent, I am frequently asking my kids to keep their rooms inside the house neat, clean, and orderly. Shouldn’t we also be teaching them to keep their world outside neat, clean, and orderly?

23. Opportunity. Kids need opportunities to experience new things so they can find out what they enjoy and what they are good at. And contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t have to require much money.

24. Optimism. Pessimists don’t change the world. Optimists do.

25. Peace. On a worldwide scale, you may think this is out of our hands. But in relation to the people around you, this is completely within your hands… and that’s a darn good place to start.

26. Pride. Celebrate the little things in life. After all, it is the little accomplishments in life that become the big accomplishments.

27. Room to Make mistakes. Kids are kids. That’s what makes them so much fun… and so desperately in need of your patience. Give them room to experiment, explore, and make mistakes.

28. Self-Esteem. People who learn to value themselves are more likely to have self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. As a result, they are more likely to become adults who respect their values and stick to them… even when no one else is.

29. Sense of Humor. Laugh with your children everyday… for your sake and theirs.

30. Spirituality. Faith elevates our view of the universe, our world, and our lives. We would be wise to instill into our kids that they are more than just flesh and blood taking up space. They are also made of mind, heart, soul, and will. And decisions in their life should be based on more than just what everyone else with flesh and blood is doing.

31. Stability. A stable home becomes the foundation on which children build the rest of their lives. They need to know their place in the family, who they can trust, and who is going to be there for them. Don’t keep changing those things.

32. Time. The gift of time is the one gift you can never get back or take back. So think carefully about who (or what) is getting yours.

33. Undivided Attention. Maybe this imagery will be helpful: Disconnect to Connect.

34. Uniqueness. What makes us different is what makes us special. Uniqueness should not be hidden. It should be proudly displayed for all the world to see, appreciate, and enjoy.

35. A Welcoming Home. To know that you can always come home is among the sweetest and most life-giving assurances in all the world. Is your home breathing life into your child?

Ever Have One of Those Sundays??

Do you ever have one of those Sundays where EVERYTHING you hear at church seems directed at you? Every prayer, every talk, every lesson seems applicable to YOUR life? This was my Sunday.

Sacrament Meeting went well. Lately I've tried to make a conscious effort to concentrate on the Savior during the passing of the sacrament, and today, it just totally slipped my mind. When the deacons were returning the water trays, I remember thinking to myself, "Wait! I forgot! Can I have a do-over?"

Once the speakers started, I DID get my do-over. The first speaker talked about being Christ's hands and responding quickly to promptings. He talked about how we say our prayers praying for someone to help us and they come and DO help us, why can't we be the answer to someone else's prayer?

Then our choir sang one of my favorite songs, "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." I sang with the choir, and before going up I warned my boys to be good....Jake followed us up onto the stand and then stood at the front and peeked over the edge. Nice, my son is the ward's entertainment.

The second talk was about forgiveness. I come from a long line of grudge holders, and have perfected this trait myself. In fact, I've been struggling lately, but I haven't really mentioned it here, but I will now, because I need some help and perspective to get past it.

About a month ago, on one of our many Family Home Evenings, I had a blow up with my step-grandma. She is constantly telling me what to do, and treating me like a little kid. She's not very nice about it, and acts like she's my mom and I'm an incapable child. Well, that night, she tried to tell me something (at the same time that my own mother was telling me the SAME thing) and I got frustrated. I've held in my true feelings for years. And unfortunately, I blew up. I yelled and screamed and basically acted like a baby. I told her that I was an adult, and that I did NOT need her to tell me what to do. I can take care of my own family and she didn't need to get in the middle of it.

Now, the message is one that she might need to hear (since she is a butt-insky and is always trying to micromanage everyone around her....) but my presentation was HORRIBLE! I felt terrible. I wanted to apologize to her for yelling, but not for my message. So after consulting with some friends, I decided to email her my apology, but tell her that I will not put up with her treatment of me anymore. I meant what I said, but that I felt bad about yelling and acting like a little kid.

That was the single most SCARIEST moment of my life. I did NOT want to hurt her feelings, but I felt like I needed to stand up for myself and let her know where I stood. A week went by...she had not responded. I felt like things were going to be okay, and she was just going to let this blow over. I was relieved that we were "okay."

Unfortunately that is NOT how it ended. By the end of the week she had sent me a very nasty email saying that I was a horrible mother and wife and that she needed to tell me what to do because I was so incapable of doing it on my own.

I was hurt and angry. (Truth be told, I'm STILL hurt and angry.)

I have not seen NOR spoken to her since then.....it's very odd, and I have guilt that she is keeping herself from the rest of my family because of me.

When I heard the forgiveness talk today I KNEW that it was Heavenly Father's way of telling me that it is time to forgive her and move on. I just don't know how....it's so hard to forgive someone who refuses to forgive me (yes, in the email she told me that she will NEVER forgive me....) and someone who treats me and my family so badly. (I've been thinking over and over at how she treats my sweet Cameron....and it brings Mama Bear out EVERY time.) Someone told me that I need to let go and stop stewing over her, especially when I haven't seen her or talked to her in such a long time. That it is Satan trying to get me into his nets.

I admit that I should, but I am SO good at holding grudges. I mean, I'm amazing at holding grudges.

All through his talk I felt the Spirit tell me, "You need to forgive her. Forgiveness will make you feel so much better and you know it."

I know I do, and so in the middle of that talk, I said a small prayer that I will be able to find a way to forgive her.

Sunday School was great as well. The teacher spoke of parables and how we need to change ourselves to be receptive to truths. (Hello, I must need to do a lot of changing, because forgiveness is one of my weaknesses....)

Relief Society was probably the place where I was touched the most. I will tell you, I love my ward. LOVE them. And I've been trying to sit in different parts of the room to get to know every body and to switch things up. I sat by one of my favorite people and settled in to enjoy the lesson. Our opening song was "As Sisters in Zion." Again, a hymn that I love and that means SO much to me. I didn't have a book, so I felt the power of the words coming through my heart. It was very special.

Then the lesson was about Charity. This is something I wish I had a better grasp of. Charity is something I wish that I had for everyone, but I've been learning that I am very judgmental and I don't love everyone the same way Christ does. I've been trying to change. It's started a while ago with my younger brother, who has made so many wrong choices. One day I commented that something he loves is for "weird people" and he chastened me by saying "no, it's for people who are judged...." I have been quick to judge first and not to love as quickly. I've tried to change this about myself, and can truly feel stronger love for my brother.

During the lesson today I realized, "Charity is the answer to your forgiveness.... You need to learn to love your step-grandma the way that Christ does. Not only do you need to find Charity in your heart for her, but you need to share this love with your husband and children. They are the ones who are most deserving of your love and understanding. Treat them ALL better and you will be happier."

I spent the remainder of the lesson in tears and being chastened by the Spirit. (The teacher didn't make the lesson out to be one where you feel bad, in fact, she did an amazing job! I just took the truths she was teaching and applied them to my situations.) The closing hymn in Relief Society was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir's version of "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus." As I think back to that song, I'm tearing up. It was beautiful and so true....we need to" love one another as Jesus loves [us]. Try to show kindness in all that [we] do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, for these are the things Jesus taught." It shouldn't be so hard, it should be simple and easy to follow in his footsteps.

I've tried applying these lessons into dealing with my children, and while I have fallen a few times (yes, I've failed a few times in the last few hours since church...) things are going SO well. My boys aren't going to turn to me immediately, but I believe that if I love them with the "pure love of Christ" then things will be better and I will be happier.

The best part of the day came after the closing prayer. My favorite lady, that I sat by, leaned over and said to me (while the tears were pouring down my cheeks...) "I want you to know, that whenever people mention 'Dawnyel,' I hear nothing but good things. You are so sweet and we all just love having you here." Could there not be a better way to end the day?

So many lessons learned in such a short amount of time. It's been a fantastic Sunday.

Spiritually Fed

This morning I went with some women from my ward to a regional women's conference in Rexburg. We left fairly early, and waited for an hour before it started.

The guest speaker was Sister Julie B. Beck, the general Relief Society president. This is a HUGE deal. The only other time we really hear from the general Relief Society president is during conference or the general women's broadcast which precedes General Conference.

She started by talking about what a great time she's had and how she was a little nervous. Then she said that she would take questions from the audience and answer them. The Spirit was SO strong. She asked that the questions be able to help others and not be too terribly specific. The first question was great: How do we gain our own personal testimony of the Relief Society?

Her answer was to know who we are, that we're not below the priesthood, but that the Relief Society works hand in hand in Heavenly Father's plan. Women, along with men, are equal halves of a divine pair. Women have our roles, and men have theirs. We can't delegate to the other, we must do our own work.

Then she told us the mission of Relief Society: Increase our faith and righteousness, strengthen our homes and families, and seek others to help.

She said that the most revelation we'll receive will be when we get on our knees and ask.

Questions ranged from wayward children, to wayward friends, how we can strengthen our own spirits and endure, what we can do to prepare to serve a mission, how we can find balance in all aspects of our lives, how often to attend the temple, how to accept others and not use spite, how to better teach, how to guard against pornography, and how to prepare this world for Christ. It was one where we heard stories, searched the scriptures and encouraged one another.

A few of my favorite sayings that she said mostly had to do with parenting and being a good friend and sister.

"Don't ever assume that the person you are talking to doesn't need something too." (In other words, everyone is struggling with something, why not try to help out where we can.)

"Be a light, melt the spite."

"We want our Spiritual children to be kind and obedient. This is not what we were given. Our children are the Lord's toughest and strongest Spirits and they NEED strong teachers and leaders."

"We all have excuses about Visiting Teaching, but we need to get over them. The Lord doesn't care, he wants us to get to work."

Over all, a great GREAT meeting. I love it when my spiritual reservoirs are filled.

Doing Things WITH My Boys

A few weeks ago, when I had that fantastic Relief Society lesson about strengthening our families, someone mentioned doing things with your children. They said that it will take more time if you involve the little ones, but you won't regret the memories made or the times you have. Tonight, I did just that.

My latest love is Papa Murphy's cookie dough. I took Jacob with me to pick up pizza earlier this week, and he "helped" me out by grabbing TWO containers of cookie dough. I didn't see a huge problem with it, so I got it, for a special treat later this week. Tonight, the boys and I cracked out the dough and worked together.

I gave the boys the dough, and they "rolled" it into balls. Jake was SO pleased with himself. Cameron was a great help, because he really DID know what he was doing and showed Jake what to do. Every few minutes Jake would call out to dad (who was just in the living room), "DAD! We's makin' COOKIE dough!!" It was way cute.

Finally, they helped me put them in the oven and were thrilled when it was done.

The best part? The boys are proud of something they did with their mom, and it was something easy.

Baby steps, but I'm going to keep trying. :)

Must Share...

Saturday I went to the general broadcast of the world-wide Relief Society meeting. It was completely wonderful!

I usually go with my mom to her building, and when we got there, it was dark in the chapel. My mom is blind in one eye, and so her night-vision is horrible. (She doesn't drive at night anymore because she literally cannot see.) I had to grab her hand and lead her to the pew. We sat on the second row, pretty much by ourselves. The opening song was being sung, "Count Your Blessings." I sat and listened for a bit and started thinking about things. The first thought was, "I am truly blessed. I have so much to be grateful for, and now I'm honored to hear from a living prophet and church leaders tonight." I got teary and had to wipe my face.

After the song, the prayer was given, and in it, the woman mentioned that President Monson (the prophet) would be speaking. I was overwhelmed by a peaceful, excited feeling. He was going to be speaking to ME!

The meeting was wonderful, but the highlight WAS President Monson's talk. He made us all laugh and cry. It was wonderful. His topic was about not judging others. I've felt lately that I have been too judgmental. My younger brother, who's been rebelling for quite a while, made some comments a while back that has had me thinking.

My uncle was visiting at my parents' house and he asked my brother, Shad, what he was doing. Shad told him that he was working at Hot Topic. My uncle then asked him what Hot Topic was. Shad told him that it was a music store, and I added, "Yeah, it's where weird people go to buy weird stuff...." Shad then said, "It's where people go to be judged by others...."

I didn't think too much of it until the next day.

That Sunday I was helping my mom make dinner while my other brother was talking about how people had tried to enter the store he works at before it was opened that morning. I joked, "Keep the Sabbath day holy...." To which Shad said, "Judge not, lest thou be judged...."

Was I really that judgmental? I looked at myself and decided that I wasn't being very fair to him, so I needed to change my attitude.

Then when I heard President Monson talking about judging others, I was struck again. He told a story about a husband and wife. The wife would tell her husband every day that their neighbor, who hung her laundry out to dry, didn't know how to clean her clothes. She complained about what a lousy job this neighbor did EVERY day. One day, she looked and said, "Look, she's learned how to clean her clothes. What do you think happened?" Then her husband said, "I woke up early and cleaned our windows." Even though it's funny, and cute, it hit me. I need to stop judging others based on my poor view.

The whole talk was wonderful, and gave me hope that I can change and start to love others the way that Christ does.

I am trying harder to be a better mom to my boys as well. I've realized that I've been extra hard on them, and I need to give them extra love and understanding.

That meeting has helped me to see that I need to be a better woman, one who truly exemplifies Christ in ALL I do.

I'm a Porcupine, You're a Porcupine....

This last weekend I bought a book that I have to admit is probably one of my MOST favorite books EVER!! I find myself underlining favorite or appropriate things and making notes in the margins. I LOVE this book.

"How to Hug a Porcupine" by Dr. John L. Lund is my NEW love.

I have to admit, I bought this book HOPING to fix those Porcupines in my life. I have several people in my life that I feel are toxic or behave in toxic ways. (A porcupine is anyone who has toxic personality traits.) Instead of ONLY finding them in these pages, I'm finding my OWN toxic traits...and it's scary! I don't want to be a porcupine! I want to be a fluffy muskrat.

The number one thing that I've learned from reading this book is: "The ONLY person I can change is me. I cannot change ANY toxic person, I may persuade or love them, but I cannot make them change."

It's SO fascinating. I've had my eyes opened and I am LOVING it.

For example, did you know toxic people cannot or will not give you the validation that you want? They'll also with hold love to assert their power over any given situation. They will chose a "favored one," so that the rest of the people that they deal with have hope to one day BE that favored one. And something I've always said, "You do it because I said so," is a forerunner to rebellion.

I'm learning that I really DO have a good relationship with my husband (despite what other people think) and that the way I've BEEN treating the porcupines in my life has been appropriate.

There are things that I've learned that I'm SURE will take time to sink in and for me to understand. Some of those are that love and trust are NOT the same thing. That the "art of parenting is not the art of hanging on, but the art of letting go."And that I really need to transfer responsibility to my children for their own behaviors and emotions.

Now, mind you, I'm only half-way through this book. I've read chapters about how to identify emotional porcupines and what some other people have done to deal with these emotional porcupines. NOW I'm at the point where he's giving me the "armor" I need to protect myself from these emotional porcupines.

It's SO fascinating, and SO helpful! I'm SO glad that this book was recommended to me (by several sources) and that I listened to them.

When the Mind Wanders....

....it's just too hard for my body to settle down to sleep. Right now, it's 2:00 in the morning and I just cannot sleep. My mind feels like it's on over-drive and I feel wide awake and not even sleepy, at all.

I've been thinking about how truly grateful I am for my little family. I am so glad that I was blessed to be the mother of these two energetic little boys and that I was given the opportunity to not only teach them, but to learn from them.

With Cameron, I've had to learn patience and accepting things that are hard. For a while now, I've wondered how far Cam will advance in his learning and growth. For many years now he's been stuck around the same mental age. It's very disheartening. Instead of being the typical 9 year old boy, he's on the same level as a 5 year old. It's frustrating to me and I'm sure to him.

I'm frustrated that he still hasn't grasped the concept of reading. This is terribly frustrating because I SO love to read. I read a lot, and I know he and Jake have seen me read for fun. But when I sit down with Cameron to help him sound out words, he just doesn't get it. He can make the sounds that all of the letters make, but he can't figure out how to put them together to form a word.

I've been wondering if my life will be spent trying to take care of Cameron's many needs and that I will forever have a 5 year old in my life. I love him SO much and wish SO badly for him to have an independent life, but right now, I just don't know if that will ever be possible.

With Jacob, I've had to learn to enjoy the small things and to stick to what I say. For the most part, Jake is a VERY happy child. He loves making others laugh, and finds joy in the simplest things. You show that boy a basketball and he is giddy for a WEEK! He thinks making the adults around him laugh is a huge accomplishment. For example, this week, he was eating dinner at the table, it was just him and Steve. Suddenly, Jake farted. He looked up at Steve and said, completely serious, "I fahted!" We've been laughing since.

But that sweet side has a very stubborn side. I've known since before this child was born that he was going to do things HIS way. My NSTs were HUGE pains, mostly because Jake wouldn't cooperate by sitting still and letting the nurses get a good reading. I was in the hospital for HOURS on end just trying to get a decent reading. His stubborn streak is still strong.

His new love is going outside to play in his truck and with his basketball. Since our neighborhood is scary and the fact that we don't really have a yard to play in, we have to play at Grandma's house. I don't mind it too much, and neither does Grandma (in fact, she worries if we DON'T show up!!) When we get to Grandma's house, instead of going inside to say hi and let her know we're there, Jake insists on playing with his truck. I've had to literally drag the kid into the house for a few minutes, just so I can drop off my diaper bag before he can play. Then when it's time to leave, because he loves it so much, he will scream (high-pitched, bloody-murder type scream) and kick and flail until he can scamper away for more play time. He honestly thinks that he's boss and very much in charge.

I've had to take things away from him and force him to do what he's supposed to, and it's NOT been easy. I worry that I'll forever be in a battle of wills with this child.

These little boys are SUCH a blessing to me, and I'm so grateful for them and the lessons they teach me. I only hope that I can be a good mommy to them, and teach them what THEY need to learn.

Family Home Evening Confessions

For many MANY years our little family has had our Family Home Evening each week with my parents and other extended family members. Our usual lesson has almost always been a story plucked from the pages of the Church magazines, most often from the Ensign. When it was just us, it was fine, but then we started bringing kids into the mix, and the stories, while nice and uplifting, were WAY over our kids' heads. Family Home Evening to them was a night they dreaded. It was a constant FIGHT for us to get them to sit still and listen the the adults babble on about things that they just didn't understand.

A few weeks ago, I decided to change things up. A friend had posted a website that boasted A Year of FHE. I went to the website thinking that it wouldn't hurt to just look for ideas. I fell in love with the lessons. They were right on the kids' levels and a good review for the adults as well. We started with a lesson about showing love through our words. My sweet Cameron, who most of you know has developmental delays, was VERY involved. In fact, he followed along well and answered my questions. It was a HUGE success.

The discussion after the lesson usually drones on and on, but that week it was very good, and it was decided that giving the lesson at the kids' level was what is really needed. Since then, I've been the unofficial designated lesson giver. The lessons have varied, but we've all learned lessons.

The important thing about it all?? My kids are paying attention better (instead of running a marathon around grandma's living room) and they're starting to *get it.*

I'm SO grateful for this website, and I can say that my boys are happy too.

Lessons in Mothering

Sleep is far from my mind. My brain is swirling with the things I've learned at church. It was a truly great day for me. I felt the Spirit SO much, and I felt prompted in the things I've been struggling with.

First off, the sacrament meeting speakers touched on things I'm not doing, but should be. The first one spoke of consistency in the little things (prayer and scripture study). I do pray, constantly, but my personal scripture study has fallen by the wayside since I finished my goal last year to read the Book of Mormon. I need to do better.

Then in Sunday School we talked about the parallels between the story of Abraham and Isaac and Christ. The one thing that hit me was that when Abraham was commanded to sacrifice Isaac he didn't complain, he did it obediently with no other words. What a great example of obedience.

And finally, in Relief Society we discussed Dallin H. Oaks' talk about Love and Law, how Heavenly Father is bound by laws, but that doesn't change his love. I tried to apply this to my parenting style. I've felt like SUCH a failure as a mother at the end of a trying day. I've felt discouraged when my sweet son gets SO angry with me that he storms upstairs, slams his bedroom door, and screams, "I HATE YOU!" (This was NOT what I had expected my life as a mother to be.)

The teacher, who is someone I've looked up to for a VERY long time, was talking about how Heavenly Father can't make everything in life "fair." He can't give EVERYONE the exact same things, because THAT wouldn't be fair. Then she drew a parallel between my Cameron and her son. Cameron has some pretty severe delays, he still has problems with his speech, and he can't read. Her son, on the other hand, is a typical child, and has no problems with his speech or reading in the same way that Cameron does. She was saying that we can't ask them both to do the exact same tasks, because it wouldn't be fair to either one. (Of course, as she was talking, I had already been thinking about this and completely agreed. But I felt the Spirit SO strongly, that I was bawling....) I wasn't offended, in fact, I learned SO much in that one thought that I feel like I should have learned YEARS ago.

Lesson 1: My Cameron is different. He cannot be held to the same standards as *typical* children. He can't compete, and that is okay.

Lesson 2: His delays make him more compassionate and loving. He is FAR closer to being like Jesus and Heavenly Father than I am.

Lesson 3: Even if he never "catches up" to his peers, he needs to be loved and treated well.

(See, these things are "duh" things, but things I've never really taken the time to THINK about.)

On the flip-side, I also learned some things about parenting Jake.

Lesson 1: Just as Cameron is special, so is Jake. They may not be special in the same way, but they both have great talents and abilities that are theirs alone.

Lesson 2: It wouldn't be fair to Jake OR Cameron to hold both boys to the same standards. They're different and learn differently.

Lesson 3: Both of my boys, even WITH their differences, have a great ability to love without boundaries or limits. They're a great example to ME of how to love unconditionally.

Lesson 4: I need to love both boys and parent them individually, because they are individuals.

My eyes were opened, and I am SO grateful for the Spirit that taught me SO much about me and my family. I just need to remember these lessons....always!

Experiment Update

So far, Cameron is a much better behaved child. He was a little scared by the lack of gifts, but once he was told that they were taken away because he's been misbehaving and has been selfish, he changed his tune. He knows that the gifts will return once he has proved that he can be less selfish and better behaved.

The tree looks bare, but the lessons being learned are WELL worth it!

The Christmas Experiment

This year, we are VERY blessed. We were able to put many presents underneath our tree this year. It is humbling to have SO much.

We decided that since we have enough for our needs, we'd like to help others out, in the same way we've been helped out in the past. We went to the store on Saturday (how crazy are WE?! It was insane!!) and bought some toys for a family that we know will not be getting anything for Christmas this year. When we brought the gifts in the house to be wrapped, Cameron began crying. He was upset because he wanted the toys. They were JUST what he wanted. When I told him that these toys were for kids who wouldn't have a Christmas, he just cried that he wanted them even more.

I was in SHOCK!

I did NOT raise him to be such a selfish child. I promise.

Not only was he wanting these particular toys, but he also has been BEGGING for things when we go to the store. When he wrote his Santa letter, he kept thinking of MORE things that he wanted to ask Santa for.

I just realized how selfish and SPOILED he really is. It needs to be stopped NOW!

After thinking about it, and conferring with a parenting expert (thanks, Mom), we've come up with a solution. Not a nice solution, but one that I HOPE will open the eyes of one selfish little boy. We are taking ALL but one present of his from underneath the tree. We'll only leave him and Jake ONE present. We will then inform Cameron that since he has SO much, and is SO blessed, we decided to donate his Christmas to kids who need it. (Really, we're just trying to get a reaction, we won't be giving his things away, unless he NEEDS them taken away...) I may have a VERY sad boy on my hands tomorrow, but something drastic needs to happen.

Feeling Manly

Today Steve noticed we had a flat tire. (Thankfully we were parked somewhere and not ON the road.) He sighed and pointed it out to me. Because it's Sunday, I was wearing a dress, but I got over that one, and went over to help him.

He'd emptied the trunk (which was FULL of stuff) and found our donut and jack. He couldn't quite figure things out, so I started playing. I twisted the knob and found out that if I lifted it enough, the little side fell off, and that was our wrench.

Long story short, I helped Steve change the tire, and I feel REALLY good about myself. I've NEVER changed my own flat tires before, and now I'm more educated.

YAY for accomplishing new things!

Pretzels are for Mouths...

....not noses.

Cameron cried to me that something was up his nose, when I asked what it was he said, "A pretzel."

*shock* *laughing*

When I asked him WHY he did it, his exact words were, "I don't wanna talk about it."

Thankfully, Community Care is a good place to take kids with things up their noses. The doctor pulled out a very LONG pair of tweezers and pulled out a very mangled pretzel stick.

The nurse asked if I wanted to save it for the scrapbook....

Um, no thanks, I'll just keep the story! ;)

Lessons Learned Tonight

DO NOT spend good money to see the Knowing. SERIOUSLY, it's STUPID!!
Do NOT get scared by stupid movie, only to realize later that it was NOT going anywhere!
Do NOT grill ANY food on a barbecue IN your freakin' garage. (This is for my STUPID neighbors!!)
When you see smoke there is NOT always a fire. (It could have been out for HOURS!)
When confronting stupid neighbors, make sure they speak English, and understand that you're UPSET! (MORONS!)
Make sure that your Land Lord can do something about it.
Smoke will last for hours and hours....making breathing difficult.
Sometimes venting to neighbors helps, but sometimes it just fuels your anger.
One more lesson, I should get a colonoscopy before I turn 30...but my week is filled! :P

What Did I Do, Officer??

Tonight I drove Steve to get some dinner at a restaurant on our city's busy street. After going through the drive-thru, we looked into the road and saw in the turn lane an ENGINE!! (No, I'm NOT kidding, it was a full-blown-ENGINE!) I pulled out and tried to avoid the dang thing, and continued on, talking with Steve about what I had done that day.

As we were talking I saw the flashing blue and red lights in my rear-view mirror. *SIGH* I pulled on to a side-street, rolled down the window, and waited for the cop to tell me what I'd done wrong. (Steve was saying, "It's not OUR engine...our car is running....")

The officer asked for my license and registration and proof of insurance. I pulled out my license (which took me a minute to find, since in wintertime I don't believe in purses....it's all piled into my coat pocket....) while Steve looked for the registration and proof of insurance. The officer asked us if that was indeed an engine and we said it was, but luckily it WASN'T ours, since OUR car was running so nicely. Then he told me that whether our turn signals worked or not, he didn't notice me using them. I honestly told him that I didn't use them, and he commended me on my honesty, and just let me go with a warning, and a friendly reminder to use my blinkers.

Gotta love small town cops!! :)

Visiting Dr. H

Seriously I love my doctor, but MAN, is she EVER busy!!

Today I went for what was SUPPOSED to be a blood pressure check.....I didn't get back for an HOUR!! Plus, today I was babysitting, so I had to monitor every move that little J did (especially when there was a Christmas tree all decorated nicely in the lobby!)

Then back in the back, I was chasing that little boy ALL over the place....it was new, and he wanted to explore!!

The highlight of the visit?? Peeing into the cup! Yeah, anyone who's had to do this KNOWS what I'm talking about. Why do they make those darn things SO small?? And not only that, but I never knew that just being told I had to use the restroom could inspire SO much urine!! I filled that little cup nearly to the top!! (Yeah, more than you PROBABLY wanted to know!) Then I was asked to carry it to the exam room, while tagging along a curious little boy and his bag of fun. UH, I spilled....and THAT'S NOT pretty!! :P

Then when the nurse checked my blood pressure (which, of COURSE, had risen since I had been chasing little J all over....) it was HUGELY high!! The nurse was a little worried, but told me to lay back on the table and relax. Then she left me to "relax." Is it even POSSIBLE to relax when there's a one-year-old boy running around an enormous EMPTY room?? I tried laying back on the paper covered table, with pillow paper-covered as well, but everytime I did, the pillow would NEED to deflate!! This, in turn, caused a grin to cover little J's face, ear-to-ear!!

Soon (okay, so it was probably 20 minutes later) Dr. H came into the room and invited me to follow her to the ultrasound room. I was thinking to myself, "Do I NEED another ultrasound?" But apparently this is how Dr. H works! (My mom wonders if she likes to do ultrasound instead of finding the heartbeat with the little doppler-thingy...) She closed the door, neatly rounding up little J...who immediately proceeded to whine, and began the ultrasound.

Last week I could see the heartbeat SO easily, this week?? Uh....it was all blobs to me. Dr. H assured me that it looked just fine, but this time I noticed something else....the baby was spinning circles. Anytime she'd get ready to point out the heartbeat, the baby would spin!! It was CRAZY!! I hope this isn't a sign of things to come!!

All in all, I've learned a FEW things: If at all possible DO NOT take a curious child with you on routine visits. Peeing in a cup is a talent, but carrying the filled cup to the room is an art. And you will ALWAYS be surprised!! ALWAYS!! ;)

I'm SO Glad I'm a Grown Up!

It's interesting the people we run into and have conversations with....

Case in point: I went on a fun "date" with Steve to the Temple. It had been closed for weeks, and we'd heard about the new updates and we were anxious to see them for ourselves (they're GORGEOUS, by the way...)

While on my way to the dressing room, I ran into my old high school science teacher, Miss Jordan.

When I had Miss Jordan, I was a self-centered, snobby teen. To my mind, Miss Jordan was a million years old, and would NEVER change her ways. She was known for wearing a bun (ALWAYS) and for wearing her springy key-ring around her upper arm. And she was a "Miss." She taught school FOREVER, had a very monotone voice (for a woman) and was VERY particular with our assignments. We had to fold our assignments lengthwise, and write our name and class period on the OUTSIDE of the paper. Her love in science was with ROCKS! The woman would lecture forEVER on rocks, tectonic plates, and the different layers of the Earth. Yes, I have many memories of this woman...none of them are happy or with me being very kind to her.

Back to today, she stopped and looked at me, and I kindly said, "Hi, you probably don't remember me, but you taught me a LONG time ago." She smiled, her wrinkly smile, and said, "You look familiar...."

We went on to talk for a few minutes. It was a VERY nice time. This woman, who I was so RUDE to, was interested in my life. She asked about my family, and even, get this one, JOKED with me!!

I guess time is a good thing....and I'm so glad that people don't hold my past against me! (I'm afraid I would have NO friends if that was the case!)

Epiphany

So I'm slow and often need a good whack on the head before I realize things, but I just learned something important last week.

First, let me give you some background information, so you'll understand the lesson I learned a bit better.

I am the oldest of 6 kids, and we grew up in a very conservative, religious home. My brothers were all expected to go on missions when they turned 19 and the girls were expected to be good little Mormon girls. For most of us, that's pretty much how we turned out. So far two of my brothers went on missions, and my baby brother is planning on going on his next year. My sister and I both grew up to marry wonderful men in the Temple. So far, so good, right??

Well....

While growing up all of us knew there was something different about Shad. He really wasn't WEIRD, weird, but just enough that we knew that something was up. One of my best memories of Shad was when Carrie and I were walking home from school. Shad was always behind us (Yeah, and WE dawdled!!) Anyway, on this particular day he had gotten a package of M&Ms. He was SO happy!! He had them out and was whooshing them around like they were an airplane or a rocket. Carrie and I, of course, were giggling at his antics, and soon enough we heard him say, "Mission TO MARS!!" Then he pulled out a little M&M and began talking to it like it was an alien. Then he promptly popped it into his mouth. That was it, we BUSTED up laughing!!

Shad was always good for a few laughs!

In High school he was finally diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's is a very high functioning autism. Because of this, he's easily persuaded to follow the crowd, and MANY times has!

After he went on his mission, he REALLY changed. His demeanor went from someone who was innocent and happy to a defensive punk. Soon afterward, he began to smoke cigarettes openly. We learned he'd started smoking in high school. Not only was he smoking, but he was drinking and doing drugs as well. I was FURIOUS with him. He had gone on a mission. Taught the gospel to SO many, and here he was, doing exactly what he KNEW he shouldn't do! I refused to talk to him for a LONG time!

Not only was he doing this JUNK, but he began sleeping around. BIG TIME!! He ended up hitch-hiking to Seattle because a girl, who was only 14 AND who he'd only met a few weeks before, accused him of being the father of her baby, which she was only 5 weeks pregnant with. Uh, that didn't add up, but he still freaked out and ran.

He's been doing this kind of stuff for YEARS!! My sweet Cam loves his Uncle Shad, but whenever he gets excited to see him.....I just barely acknowledge him. I have been THAT mad at him.

Now, fast forward through my anger and frustration to this last week.

I was at home flipping through the channels and found that Saturday's Warrior is on. Yes, I admit it's cheesy, but I can't help but watch it when it's on. So I'm watching, and it's kind of in the middle of the movie. The family is sitting around, being pleasant when Jimmy and Benji come in fighting. Jimmy, the family rebel, pushes Benji down. And his siblings come to his aid. The discussion begins. Jimmy has FUMED out of the house, and the family is left in his wake. What are they going to do with this brother of theirs? He treats their parents badly and they are just frustrated.

Julie pipes in, "But he's our brother..."

I STOP! Wait, I've got a punk brother, who treats MY parents badly, and one who I'm HIGHLY frustrated with. I must listen to what their solution is.

Pam (who is Jimmy's twin sister) says, "We just love him, that's all. But if we can't.....BUT we CAN'T!"

Again, I'm struck with the force that the lesson hits me.

Shad is my brother. If I don't show the boy love, who will?? Sure he's made some rotten choices in his life, but that shouldn't matter....because he's my brother.

Coming to this realization has been easy, gaining Shad's trust back has been another. Since I've been hurt and felt angry by the things he's done, I've treated him really badly! So all this past week whenever I saw him, I'd smile, and say, "Hi, Shad! How're you doing?" He grunts and goes into my parents' basement to hide out.

It's a long road, but one I'm willing to go on for as long as I need! He's my brother!!