So I'm slow and often need a good whack on the head before I realize things, but I just learned something important last week.
First, let me give you some background information, so you'll understand the lesson I learned a bit better.
I am the oldest of 6 kids, and we grew up in a very conservative, religious home. My brothers were all expected to go on missions when they turned 19 and the girls were expected to be good little Mormon girls. For most of us, that's pretty much how we turned out. So far two of my brothers went on missions, and my baby brother is planning on going on his next year. My sister and I both grew up to marry wonderful men in the Temple. So far, so good, right??
Well....
While growing up all of us knew there was something different about Shad. He really wasn't WEIRD, weird, but just enough that we knew that something was up. One of my best memories of Shad was when Carrie and I were walking home from school. Shad was always behind us (Yeah, and WE dawdled!!) Anyway, on this particular day he had gotten a package of M&Ms. He was SO happy!! He had them out and was whooshing them around like they were an airplane or a rocket. Carrie and I, of course, were giggling at his antics, and soon enough we heard him say, "Mission TO MARS!!" Then he pulled out a little M&M and began talking to it like it was an alien. Then he promptly popped it into his mouth. That was it, we BUSTED up laughing!!
Shad was always good for a few laughs!
In High school he was finally diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Asperger's is a very high functioning autism. Because of this, he's easily persuaded to follow the crowd, and MANY times has!
After he went on his mission, he REALLY changed. His demeanor went from someone who was innocent and happy to a defensive punk. Soon afterward, he began to smoke cigarettes openly. We learned he'd started smoking in high school. Not only was he smoking, but he was drinking and doing drugs as well. I was FURIOUS with him. He had gone on a mission. Taught the gospel to SO many, and here he was, doing exactly what he KNEW he shouldn't do! I refused to talk to him for a LONG time!
Not only was he doing this JUNK, but he began sleeping around. BIG TIME!! He ended up hitch-hiking to Seattle because a girl, who was only 14 AND who he'd only met a few weeks before, accused him of being the father of her baby, which she was only 5 weeks pregnant with. Uh, that didn't add up, but he still freaked out and ran.
He's been doing this kind of stuff for YEARS!! My sweet Cam loves his Uncle Shad, but whenever he gets excited to see him.....I just barely acknowledge him. I have been THAT mad at him.
Now, fast forward through my anger and frustration to this last week.
I was at home flipping through the channels and found that Saturday's Warrior is on. Yes, I admit it's cheesy, but I can't help but watch it when it's on. So I'm watching, and it's kind of in the middle of the movie. The family is sitting around, being pleasant when Jimmy and Benji come in fighting. Jimmy, the family rebel, pushes Benji down. And his siblings come to his aid. The discussion begins. Jimmy has FUMED out of the house, and the family is left in his wake. What are they going to do with this brother of theirs? He treats their parents badly and they are just frustrated.
Julie pipes in, "But he's our brother..."
I STOP! Wait, I've got a punk brother, who treats MY parents badly, and one who I'm HIGHLY frustrated with. I must listen to what their solution is.
Pam (who is Jimmy's twin sister) says, "We just love him, that's all. But if we can't.....BUT we CAN'T!"
Again, I'm struck with the force that the lesson hits me.
Shad is my brother. If I don't show the boy love, who will?? Sure he's made some rotten choices in his life, but that shouldn't matter....because he's my brother.
Coming to this realization has been easy, gaining Shad's trust back has been another. Since I've been hurt and felt angry by the things he's done, I've treated him really badly! So all this past week whenever I saw him, I'd smile, and say, "Hi, Shad! How're you doing?" He grunts and goes into my parents' basement to hide out.
It's a long road, but one I'm willing to go on for as long as I need! He's my brother!!
9 comments:
*sigh* I have a brother who does not function normally and does bad stuff, too. He's a white supremacist, foul-mouthed, violent person. I love him, but I don't have to like him.
that's a great lesson, thanks for sharing.
Is his name really Shadrach? Mormons name their kids the oddest things :) (this coming from a woman who came THIS CLOSE to naming her son Helaman)
Anne/kq: I know exactly what you mean...love them, but don't condone what they do. I think Shad dabbled a bit in the white supremacy stuff too, but don't quote me on that.
TXMommy: LOL...no, his given name is ACTUALLY Shad. My mom watched a movie with a little boy in it named "Thad" and liked it, but wanted to change it just a bit...hence, Shad! (Yeah, LOOK AT WHAT THE WOMAN NAMED ME!! LOL)
HAHA. I totally remember the M&M's thing. It brings a smile to my face. Too bad so many of his actions have created such unpleasant memories. Below all the crap, he really is a nice person.... I'm glad to hear that you haven't given up on him just yet. You are a good sis.
Those kind of events are such a gift sometimes! I felt somehow betrayed when my bro started messing around with that crap too...I wasn't happy with his choices and I let him know it. He was my best friend growing up...and it hurt to see him trying to find happiness in that way and failing miserably at it. It hurt my parents too. After awhile my Mom asked me what she should do...I said we should love him...and we have. At first my bro never wanted to be with the family. We saw him only in passing. He moved out to get away from my parents and our family. He never came to family parties or events. We kept loving him. We made sure he knew it.
He still isn't coming to church...but he now loves to be with us! He is married to a fabulous woman and they have a wonderful kid. He has come a long way!
I KNOW that if you keep loving Shad you will someday have a good relationship with him again. He may never return to the church in this life...but he might. Never give up on him! You never have to love what he does, but loving him because he is your brother will do a lot more for him than treating him badly! You are on the right track!
It's hard to stand by and watch people we love make bad choices. I'm glad that you came to an understanding about the situation and I'm sure that you feel better too. :)
I have a brother like that too. I think some of the changes you're making are really important. He needs to know that you love him before you have any chance to make any impression. Don't give up on him, he'll probably not trust the new loving you, but keep at it. Remember its not you he's rejecting, its really himself. He knows he's not living up to his own standards and a part of him hates himself for it. So he will automatically assume you do too.
HUGS I think you are awesome for wanting to reach out to him. It might help if you tell him your resolution and your sorrow for the mistakes you made (don't go into the million more he made, lol). He may not seem like it matters to him but it will.
Ha Ha. I actually have a cousin named Shad. Always thought it was a cowboy name, and I agree with TX Mommy- we do name our children, odd things. I really wanted to name Ethan, Nephi, but my husband wouldn't let me. His middle name though is Alma.. which outside the LDS faith, is a girls name, sooooooooooo go figure.
Wouldn't it be nice if Shad read this blog. Then he would know what is in your heart.
I've been the rebel, and it does really help to know that no matter what you do, the consequences are yours to face- but the love that comes from your family will always be there.
What a great lesson you've learned (or been reminded of), I truly believe that God speaks to us, in all kinds of ways.
Just keep being a good, loving sister to him. In time, maybe he'll be moved by your actions and it will make him want to trod a better path. Hey... it could happen, right?
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