PANIC!!!

We close on the house in less than a week. We still have a BUNCH of stuff to do ON TOP of the packing. I'm overwhelmed. I can't do it all.

I'm going to suck it up and ask for help. I know there are people who are more than willing to help (I've already had TONS of offers that I've kind of blown off....) I'm taking them up. I need help. I want OUT of this crummy apartment and into my cute little home.

Holiday Haze

Driving around town at night, I've noticed the brilliant light displays that many have put up already. Not only have I noticed them, but so have my boys. Jake will say, "Mom! They're all ready for Christmas." When he says this I notice that it's with a bit of jealousness.

Normally, any other year, our family tradition is that we put up our tree on Thanksgiving evening or the day after. This year, not so.....Why would I want to put up a tree only to take it all back down to move to a different house?

So our house is totally untrimmed....and a bit chaotic with the boxes filling up and things being moved around.

I'm not a Scrooge, I promise....I'm just moving.

Thankful

Today has been an absolutely WONDERFUL holiday.

I spent the morning making pies. I was in charge of assigning people the things to bring, and didn't have many people for making pies, so I volunteered myself. I told my mom that I would make the cream pies (banana, coconut and lemon meringue). I baked the shells yesterday and then went to work this morning making the filling. I had never made a meringue before, so whipping up the egg whites got to me. I didn't realize that it took SO long to whip them when you have a little ol' hand mixer. After a VERY long time, I finally had my stiff peaks, and I baked them. Oh, my GOSH!! They were SO SO SO yummy.

I also volunteered to pick up my grandpa from the assisted living center and bring him to my mom's house. This was a chore.

Grandpa will go for a long time, having good days where he remembers and then he'll have bad days....today was a bad one. He spent the morning calling my aunt (one of 4 phone numbers that he remembers) to see when he was going to be picked up. She reassured him that someone would get him and that he wasn't forgotten. Then she called my mom who called me. When mom called me, I'd JUST finished my food preparations (I also made a salad and dug out a can of cranberry sauce....) and finished my shower. I promised her that I would be leaving the house shortly.

I left my boys in the suburban while I went in to find Grandpa. I had fully expected to find him in the front lobby waiting impatiently. When I entered...he wasn't there. I went to his room and found him napping on his bed.

SERIOUSLY!?

So I told him that we were going to Thanksgiving Dinner and that he would probably need his jacket because it was cool outside. He then told me that he probably didn't have one there, because he didn't live there all the time.

Um, okay?

I finally got him ready, then we slowly (and I DO mean SLOWLY) sauntered down the hallway. I told him that I would check him out at the front desk and meet him at the doors. He tried banging the doors open, but there's a code to open them (dang good thing...) I got him in the car and then he asked, "Are you going to pick up mom now?"

*Sigh* These are the moments it's hard to have a grandpa with a memory problem....

I told him, "Grandpa, Grandma died 3 years ago now. You don't live with her..." My boys, in the back seat, chimed in: Cameron said, "She's in heaven, Grandpa." Jake said, "She's in a hole in the ground."

Things were silent after that.

Soon enough we were at my mom's house, and I took in the food and then sat down to rest. My cousins and aunts soon arrived and the house was busy and full of happy noises. The kids were begging to go outside to play and the adults sat around and talked. My mom had miscalculated the time the turkey would take, so we waited an extra hour for dinner to be ready. Unfortunately, Steve had to hurry off to work, but did manage to get his food before going to work. He also took a few plates of food with him to share with his employees.

After dinner, we were all beyond stuffed, and sat and talked. I got to talk with my two female cousins who showed up. It was so fun to just sit and talk and laugh. I wish I could do that MORE often.

We ate our pie, and then it was time to go home. My grandpa had been having a VERY rough day and was in and out of the bathrooms the WHOLE time. (I swear, when he was supposed to be eating, he was in the bathroom 10 times.) He'd had an accident, and it was TIME to take him home. I didn't let him sit (it's hard to get him up off of a chair if he DOES sit...) and herded him to the suburban. I put a towel around my seat, so he wouldn't make a mess....and then I opened the door so he could get in.

He couldn't do it. He couldn't raise his leg to get in, he couldn't put his feet on the running board to get IN the car, he couldn't do it. I stood behind him, knowing that he was wet and gross, and thinking, "This is taking WAY too long....should I just push him in and wash my hands later?" I resisted the urge, and after 6 minutes of struggle, went into my mom's house for a step stool. By the time I got back out to the car...he'd managed to get in. *sigh*

I took him home, and on the way he said, "Now, remember, I need to go home." I looked at him and said, "Oh, don't worry, I remember." As I pulled into the assisted living center, he began to complain, "I don't live here....why are we here!?" "You live here, Grandpa." "I DO NOT!" "Grandpa, you've lived here for about 3 years now....I promise." "You have GOT to be kidding me!" "Why would I kid you about something like this?? Is this funny!?"

I parked the car outside the closest door to his room, and he asked, "So, do you want me to stay here until I will be dropped off?" "Nope, you are being dropped here."

I helped him in, and he feebly made his way in the door. I had to hold his hand as he walked the 20 feet to his room....then he collapsed on his couch.

As I left him I worried that he would follow and ask me more of the same questions. It's hard to tell him over and over that his wife is dead and that he doesn't remember it. I think I told him that at LEAST 5 times today. It's hard to leave him in an assisted living center when I know that he'd rather be in his own home. It's hard to hear him talk about driving himself around, then telling him that no, he can't drive, and that he really can't do much of anything.

Dementia/Alzheimer's is rough on the family as much as it is on the person who is suffering from it. I just want to cry after visiting him when he's had a bad day. I think he's beginning to forget the simple things now. (How to climb into a car.....) It's just sad all around.

I have to say though, I am grateful for my family and the love we have....and the memories we make.

Still Plugging Along

Yup, we're still here. We're in the midst of all of the house-buying things. Last week we had our inspection, which turned out not so bad. We do have an older house, so there are many little things that need fixed, but we can still live with a lot of things.

I'm also going through things in the current house and purging and donating things that we don't wear, use or need anymore. THIS is what's sucking....both my time and just in general.

I know that once we move, things will be SO much better....especially if I can get rid of the extra things now, but right now I'm in the middle of it, and it just stinks.

I Think I Forgot To Mention....

...that after a few months in the Primary Presidency....I got released.

I knew it was coming, the current president had been in for 3 years, but I was SO sad to lose such a fun, wonderful, fulfilling calling.

Because the bishopric member knew about the house hunt, he hesitated to extend me a new calling, so as of right now, I'm without a calling. I haven't had THAT privilege since we first moved into this ward....EIGHT years ago.

I am, however, keeping busy. There's a class that has no teacher and while they find one, I'm the "permanent" substitute. I don't mind it at all...I'm just glad to still be in Primary.

And to address the 8 year comment, yes, it's absolutely true. We moved into this apartment when Cam was 3 years old and one month. He'd just started preschool, and I had to wait to put him into the new school district for over a month.

This means that I have EIGHT years of accumulation to go through and purge and pare down. This will NOT be an easy job. BUT I am hopeful that a lot of the boxes I've neglected over the years are easily de-junked and tossed. I can do this....I can do this....I can do this....

We Got the House!!!!

I'm SO beyond thrilled. Honestly, right now I've got perma-grin.

Steve called me with the news, and I asked if they'd counter-offered....they DIDN'T!!

OH MY GOSH!!! I've got a house, and at a SCREAMING deal too!!!

I am just overwhelmed with happiness right now, you have no idea!!

Waiting Stinks

Last night, Steve and I put in another offer on the house that I dreamed about. It took a lot of talk and discussion to get us both on the same page, but we're both there....and anxious.

We wait to hear back with nervousness and anxiety....and giddiness.

I have to admit, I'm BEYOND giddy about this house. I can't wait to hear whether they'll accept our offer or counter-offer.....

Not knowing is SO hard.

House Hunt

We've been looking for a house for MONTHS now. The first day we looked, Steve found the house that he loved. I thought it was nice, but it just didn't FEEL right to me. Then the next week I found a house that I loved, but Steve didn't like.

Then we'd been on the fence for a while. Steve told me that he felt like either house that we picked (of the two we both liked) would be fine. I thought we should still look, and we agreed to not decide anything yet.

Then last week we went looking again. We saw a BUNCH of houses....and none were really speaking to us. Then we visited a house that we BOTH were in awe of. We both really liked it, and both felt really good about it.

That night we put in an offer on that house....and found out there was already another offer.

Today we learned that they went with the other offer.

When I heard that, I was relieved. That night that we signed the papers for the offer, I had a bad feeling and dreamed about my first dream house...the one that I love, but Steve was having a hard time seeing us living in. ALL night I dreamed that we lived there, that we were happy there, that we were content.

I ignored those dreams, and bad feelings, because I didn't want to tell Steve that we'd made a mistake.

I actually prayed that we would be approved for the house that was MEANT to be ours, and if the house we'd put an offer on was wrong that we'd be denied.

I guess I got my answer, didn't I?

I really and truly feel like we need to put in an offer on that other house. I feel at home every time I think about it, drive past it, look at pictures of it....

Now I just have to convince Steve of that....

Halloween

We had a long road getting TO Halloween this year. The boys were threatened on a regular basis with it being taken away....but they both made it.

We walked all up and down Grandma's neighborhood and got a GOOD haul. The boys were completely exhausted by the end of the night....

Now we move to the other holidays!!

Choo Choo.....Joining the Potty Train...

Jacob is 3 and 4 (almost 5) months old. He understands when he's messy. He usually hides when he poops....all signs he's old enough to go to the bathroom on the toilet, right??

I've been asking the boy for MONTHS if he wants to potty on the toilet and the answer has always been, "No, thanks." (Yes, he's polite...) Finally, after Cameron went back to school and it was just the two of us at home, I'd had enough and I started FORCING the issue.

I would like to report (happily) that for the last 5 days Jake has had VERY few accidents. In fact, out of the last 5 days he's only had 3 accidents, and they were in the last 24 hours. On top of this, he's been sick. On his sick day last week, I offered a pull-up instead of his underpants and he began crying hysterically. His words were SO cute, "No, MOM!! I wanna be a BIG boy!!!" I allowed him to be a big boy and sure enough, he was dry all day long!

Potty training is one of the things I absolutely HATE about being a mom, but right now, it's not as bad as I'd remembered. :)

Dreams

I've found myself having similar dreams lately....all of them with us in a new house.

I wish the house-hunting process was easier, but it's not...and I'm frustrated. My boys fight constantly because they don't like sharing a bedroom. And I mean, who can blame them, right? Neither one has his own space, and he wants some room for himself.

Frustration comes when after hours of screaming and fighting there seems to be NO end in sight.

*sigh*

This too shall pass, I guess.

My Momaversary

Tonight I've been reflecting on where I was 11 years ago. I was laying in a hospital bed, anxious for the birth of my first child. I was having blood pressure complications, and was nervous about everything that was going on.

I was so anxious that my nurse (who happened to be a good family friend) gave me a shot of morphine to help me relax. The night seemed to drag by. At that point, I had been pregnant for 3 years....or that's how it felt.

Little did I know the excitement that was awaiting me the next day. Loss of heart-beat, drop in blood pressure and an emergency c-section later I was a mom.

It hasn't been ANYTHING like I had imagined, but it's been the most wonderful, exciting, scary, frustrating adventure I've EVER been on.

Happy birthday, Cam. I can't believe you're SO old.

Update

It's interesting to me that when I complain, my sweet hubby decides it's time to take action.

Last week we decided that it's time for us to find a house of our own. The boys need their own rooms, and we are officially on our own with our rent now (Steve got a raise, and Cam now has supplemental Social Security....) so we decided that it's time. On Tuesday we looked at 3 houses. The first one is one that I fell in love with online, but once we actually SAW it, it was a different story. It was SO teeny. Steve couldn't even stand upright to go down the stairs. I stood at the bottom and the ceiling was grazing my head. Definitely NOT the house for us.

The second house was nice. It's one that someone had fixed up and was trying to flip. The floors were new, new carpet, paint, it was cute, but it didn't have NEARLY the room I was hoping for. Steve fell instantly in love with this second house.

The third house was one of our friends' houses, and while the upstairs was cute and nice, the downstairs needed a LOT of love and attention. It was missing walls and just a mess. I knew it was more than we could do.

That night we went back to see the second house and show Cameron. The boys were SO in love with the backyard and didn't want to leave. I wasn't feeling the same level of love for this house that Steve was, so I was trying to find it's positive features. We told our realtor that we would love to put in an offer on this house, but we'd like to keep looking as well. He thought that was a great idea, so this week we're going to be looking at a few more houses.

I hope we can find something that will work for us, and won't kill us financially. It's a scary/exciting time for our family.

Why??

Why can't my boys stop fighting me on every request?

Why can't the two of them sleep in the same room at the same time without World War 3 breaking out?

Why doesn't the 3 year old understand that he can't do everything that his big brother can?

Why is it that I make too much money to be poor, but I'm too poor to be rich?

Why can't I seem to fall asleep when the rest of the world does?

Why can't I have a house?

It's because it's life, right? Things can't always be perfect, but I can keep on plugging along....at least, that's what I tell myself when I feel this pity party coming on.

Preparing to be a Missionary

This week was my turn for Sharing Time again. I was grateful. I actually ended up switching with the other councilor, because she was leaving town....and I had NO idea what I could do for next week.

Anyway, this week's lesson was about how we can prepare NOW to be a missionary. It helped a TON that we had a missionary speak and the high councilman spoke about missionaries. I took my lesson from this site. I did all the same things, except I didn't read ALL of their explanations. The kids loved it and educated me a bit as well. (*giggle*) Did you know that frying pans are to kill people with?? ;) Thanks, Tangled.

Anyway, I think it went well....and it was fun too. Now to unpack and put things back where they belong....that's MY problem though. ;)

Jake, In Real Life

I've been thinking about how different my two boys are. Cameron is a sweet boy (unless he's with his brother...) and is extremely shy. He is just now learning how to read. He is somewhat hard to understand if you haven't been around him (he slurs his words together, for example, "Family home evening" would be "famihomevening" coming out of his mouth). He loves basketball, and will do ANYTHING to play. He is always seeking out verbal approval from those around him.

Jake is very verbal himself. He can say things that Cameron can't. He is very inquisitive, and when he's super tired and doesn't want to sleep, he'll ask questions that he KNOWS will be answered. He makes up stories and has an incredible imagination. He is an all-around jock. He loves playing baseball, soccer, football, basketball....anything he can. He's even asked grandma if he can dig holes in her front yard so he can play golf. He is constantly busy and can just run circles for hours when he has nothing better to do.

Jake is SUCH the story teller. A few months ago, we went to a movie for family home evening. My parents took the boys (because the boys begged, and my parents are suckers for those little kids). On the way to the theater they passed a police car. Jake started his tale: "My daddy got pulled over by a police officer. He was speeding and got a ticket...." My parents asked us if that was true, and of course, it wasn't. But Jake can be very convincing.

Cameron loves to have very short hair. He complains loudly if it gets too long (he pulls it out on his own if I don't buzz it for him, so usually when he complains, I buzz both boys' hair.) Jake wants "long" hair. We've got school pictures coming up this Friday, and I want Jake to look nice, so I kept offering to trim around his ears. I kept promising him that I wouldn't buzz his hair off, but he kept turning me down. Finally, yesterday, I grabbed the scissors while he was in the tub and the whole time promising him I would be careful, and that I wouldn't hurt him, I trimmed his hair. But it was a HUGE fight.

Jake also loves to eat. He is always begging for food all day long. I swear, I feed the kid, but when you've got as much energy as this guy does, you burn through your food pretty quickly.

He's pretty independent as well. If you don't get right on whatever he asks, he tries to do it himself. I've caught the boy trying to run his own bath, climbing on a chair to get food out of the fridge, moving things, just because he wants to.

He's very different from his brother, but there's no one would would stand up more for Cameron in the whole world. Whenever Cameron gets in trouble, I get the wrath of Jake. He will come up to me, and in his deepest voice he will say, "THAT'S MY BROTHER!!" I try to calm him down by saying, "That's my son..." but my argument has NO validity with him.

He has a wicked sense of humor too. He will do things just to make us laugh. He pulls the best faces and knows he's funny.

What a fun boy I have in Jake. He's nothing like I would have expected to have when I first learned I was pregnant with him, but he's everything our little family needs. We really love, Jake.

A Work in Progress

Lately I have not felt like myself. I'm grumpy and angry at the drop of a hat. Yesterday was no exception.

I woke up early to watch the 9/11 things on TV (I am a 9/11 junkie, I watch so many shows about it and absolutely cannot get enough...) I was SO tired, neither of my boys went to sleep the night before until well after 10:30, and I was grumpy with having to deal with them all by myself.

Anyway, I laid on our comfy couch, snuggled under a blanket, and watched the show. A little ways into the show, the boys woke up. It was 7:00, and the boys were WIDE awake. I was still groggy and tired...even a little emotional, because of the 9/11 stuff, and they were needing a mommy.

I will admit, mornings are NOT my thing. I am a night-owl to the core. My boys, however, are early risers. Jake's justification to me has always been, "Mom, the sun is UP!" Yes, son, I know the sun is up, but that doesn't mean I have to be up.

So the boys are getting rowdy and I'm getting grumpier and grumpier.

Finally, I'd had it. I grabbed Jake, and took him upstairs. I was DETERMINED that he was going to get more sleep. (Anytime Cam would touch him, he'd whine and cry....I KNOW the boy was tired, he just didn't know it himself.)

I quickly fell back to sleep, but Jake did not. He laid in my bed for an hour. Finally he'd had enough, and wiggled and hit and kicked. He wanted out.

Anyway, I got upset, and so did Steve. At one point, Steve said, "FINE! I'll get up with the boys..."

Look, DUDE! I have been dealing with these children of yours all by myself for a VERY long time, and I have been awake with them, but this child needs more sleep.

If only I'd said that, right??

Instead, I got up with the wiggle-worm and went back downstairs where I got grumpier and grumpier.

Finally I decided that it was time for baths and took the boys upstairs to get ready for church. Generally, Jake goes first, because I can have him done REALLY fast, and dressed before Cam is even finished washing his hair.

I'm not even sure what exactly happened next, but Steve said something that set me off. I was looking through the clothes to get Jake dressed, and I had only found the boy's shirt and vest. I was in the midst of looking for his pants when Steve said whatever it was he said. I had it.....and I said so. I threw the clothes at Steve and said, "FINE! You get them (meaning the boys) I am DONE!"

Then I didn't look back...I went downstairs and took a time-out on my couch. I let Steve have FULL care of the boys.

When the boys came down, they were treading carefully. Jake came over and patted my knee. I did NOT move. Cameron looked like he wanted to ask me something, but he didn't. I just sat in my time-out and said NOTHING!

Then I realized something....the boys got dressed just fine without me harping on them for every little thing. They were happy, and I wasn't micro-managing every little thing.

At this point I realized: "The house is happier when we don't get angry and yell....it's best when I am quiet and listen."

Yes, a realization I should have had YEARS ago.....I have tried to be quieter since then, but I still have old habits that I need to break.....but I can do this. I can. I want a happier home and I'm sure my boys do too.

Never-Ending Cycle

School is back in session (has been since last week, but who's counting?) and life moves quickly. Jake has done his own "school" a few times and loves feeling like a big boy.

I'm a little frustrated though.

Bedtime has become my nemesis....yet again. Jake and Cameron fight EVERY single night. I'm losing my mind and just want to sit in the fetal position crying.

It starts out innocently enough. We do our bedtime routine: scriptures, brushing teeth, and prayers. Then I encourage BOTH boys, "Leave your brother alone. I do NOT want to see or hear from either of you for the rest of the night." The boys respond, "We won't. Good night...."

Then the brawling begins. Cameron hurts Jake, Jake screams bloody-murder, Jake comes bawling down the stairs, "Mom, Cameron hurt me..." I yell at Cam, Cam yells down the stairs and Jake screams a little more.

This repeats nightly.

I'm SICK of it.

I thought the bunk-beds were to blame. Whenever we'd send one boy to bed, the other would follow (usually after the first was sleeping peacefully) and shake the heck out of the bed, waking the other boy and causing a fight. So I took the bunks away. The boys have been sleeping on their mattresses on the floor all summer long. Finally, a few weeks ago, I got what I THOUGHT would be the perfect solution: a day bed with a trundle. No touching of beds at ALL! Unfortunately, I forgot that due to the size restraints, the beds are still only 3 inches apart. The fighting STILL happens.

I'm tired.....more importantly, my BOYS are tired. I wish I knew what to do to fix this situation, but I'm at my wits end and going more and more crazy each night. Tonight I just let Jake sit on my lap until Cameron fell asleep....it wasn't until after 10:00.

This is ridiculous. What more can I do? Why can't they just get along!?

Summer's Last Hurrah!!

Every Labor Day weekend, my family goes camping. It's kind of our own little family reunion of sorts. All of my aunts and uncles from my dad's side (well, with a FEW exceptions) goes hunting and camping on Labor Day weekend. We look forward to it every year.

A few years ago (when Jake was a baby) I was camping alone with my boys. I was trying to zip up our tent (the zipper was broken) and looked out to see a coyote just a FOOT away from my face. I screamed to scare the beast away and ended up scarring Cameron for life. The boy will NEVER forget the night we saw a coyote.

We almost double the size of the little city we camp at, but they love it.

This weekend will be our last summer hurrah. We won't be able to go camping after this....unless we want to freeze our buns off. We are going to eat SUPER yummy food (dutch oven ribs, chicken, cobbler...) and we'll laugh and have a good time.

The highlight of the trip for my boys is going shopping in Salmon. We hit up Kings and Alco and find some obnoxious or cool finds. The boys have already discussed what they HOPE to find.

All in all, it should be tons of fun. Enjoy your last little bit of summer before autumn really sets in. (And I get REALLY happy for the cool air and the pretty colors.)

Sharing Time Update

I think Sharing time went well. The message was "reading, watching, and listening to wholesome things helps keep my mind clear." The manual had only 2 paragraphs to fill the 15-20 minutes I have to teach this concept. Seriously, it wasn't enough.

I found some great ideas from this blog and used the Sunday Savers book. I had two glasses of water, one with mud and gunk in it, the other clear. I asked if they wanted to drink from the muddy cup, and one boy in senior primary ALMOST did...gross. Then we talked about how we want our minds to be clean and clear. Then we had several scenarios where you either had a good thought or a bad thought. We separated the thoughts into happy and sad bags. For the kids to pick out of the bag, they had to wear my goofy glasses. I found some giant sunglasses at the dollar store, popped out the lenses (you couldn't see through them anyway...) then I taped ears onto the side. I even had a hat that I taped a "clear mind" to. The kids absolutely LOVED it!! They didn't want to stop playing when time was up.

Anyway, I think it went well. I already love those kids, and now I just have to teach them. I think I'm going to be okay.

(Oh, and Kim, I'm not so sure teaching would have worked out for me....I don't have much patience past an hour or so of time. ;)