It's forever preserved in my journals. I'm cringing just thinking about them.
I wasn't a PERFECT journal keeper, but I was pretty good about it. I would write down my EVERY desire, hope and dream. I confided my secrets there and I said exactly what I thought knowing that I wouldn't have to worry about what anyone else thought.
So knowing I could write whatever I wanted, I REALLY did.
Last week, I was having a hard time sleeping (which is actually a new thing....I can't sleep when I should...) so I pulled out my journal and read it. I figured it would help me remember all the fun things I love about Steve (since it covered the time right before I met him until about the time I started blogging...) and I realized something.....I WAS SO STUPID!
Oh, my heck. Don't say, "You're not stupid...really, you're such a nice person..." No, I was dumb. Like, naive teenager, dumb. I cannot believe that Steve decided to go on a date with me let alone fall in LOVE with me.
I thought I knew it all. I KNEW that one day I would marry ********* (fill-in-the-blank...) I just KNEW it.
Oh, gag me...please!
I guess you could call it the innocence of youth, but I just think I was plain dumb. Brain-dead...dumb.
I would share here, but I want you all to continue to think that I'm smart.
Let's just say, I'm VERY glad that over the past 10 or so years I've learned a LOT. I've grown a LOT! I've learned to rely on my family and my Heavenly Father over my friendships. (Not to say I don't have good friends, but I don't put ALL my trust in them.)
I will say that I had a ball in college. I loved my experience living in the dorms and making new friends.
Believe it or not, when I first went to college I was SUPER home-sick. I hated being on my own, and locked myself in my room crying for the first week. Eventually I learned that I didn't want to live my life like that, and I learned to like myself and to make friends with people who liked me too. After that first week, I became QUITE the little social butterfly. I went to dances, school activities...and I didn't make ANY apologies for who I was. (Although, looking back, I probably should...)
Now I've learned that I like who I am. I quite enjoy my personality (even though sometimes it CAN be a little loud and over the top) but I have also learned that I don't know NEARLY as much as I thought I knew. And that's okay.
I used to think it would be great to go back in time and re-live those days....now, with perspective, I'm happy to be where I am and WHO I am.
4 comments:
I SO know the feeling. We were making room for a couple boxes of Jonathan's clothes he's grown out of in our front cloest a couple months ago and I had Lars grab down the box with all my journals in it. I pulled out a few to skim to remember how much of a fun person I was since I was a total social butterfly, but really, it's MIRACLE people even talked to me! I can't believe how much emotion was coarsing through me ALL THE TIME! And boy did I have a mouth- for the most part in my journal only, but I'm eventually going back to black out some things out. Who knew it would become my history and people would actually read those things???
LOL...I remember the whole college experience. I never thought you were "dumb", but then I think I was in the same boat. I think sometimes we're taught to act that way through our environment. It's nice to know that we are able to out-grow it :)
I look back in my own journals and I blush/cringe at some of the things I said and did. I think it's just a stage we all go through. The I-am-so-stupid stage. :)
You're not the only one who feels like an idiot as you look back. I can hardly believe myself the things that I wrote; but then if I didn't do or so those things I wouldn't be the person that I am today. And I like the person that I have become. Thank goodness for time.
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